A rant to regret?

Too much shared online. Not enough facts. But quick to be judged. Clever. Beautiful. Intelligent. Deep thinker. Mysterious. Kinky. Insightful. Wise. Intellectual. Nice. Helpful. Understanding.

Ammunition for every new fight. “You always pretend to be so deep, clever, intelligent, insightful, and understanding. You are just another dumb cunt. You don’t know anything at all. About life. Or pain. You have no idea. Not the slightest clue what it means to suffer.”

And they are right about one thing. Not about the other. I never pretend to be anything. I like to be myself, with all that makes me me. The little and the big things. The qualities and the flaws. I know who I am. And I know who I am not. That doesn’t stop others from pretending that they know too. And judge. Misjudge? And when I say that I am not like that at all, they say I am bashful, unsure, too self critical, modest or humble. They say I am fishing for compliments or any such things.

I am rather cold and distant. Factual. But I am also emotional. I can be harsh. And I ghost people when they get too intrusive. I can be intense and over sharing when I feel safe or understood. But I can also be silent and unapproachable. I am kind to everyone I meet, or I try to be. But that does not mean I can’t be a mean bitch too. I am not a nice person. Very often I am not. And I use it as a shield to keep unwanted people away from me.

We all do that in a way, don’t we?

I hate when people tell me that I am this and that and turn it against me later.

They always seem to think it’s a compliment when telling me that I am mysterious or deep or wise. And maybe for them it is. For me, it is simply an expectation I will never be able to meet.

I know that I am not dumb, but I would never think that I am the most intelligent in a room. And it irks me so much to be judged all the time and that I need to defend myself when it turns out that I am not like they thought I was.

It’s a rant that doesn’t make sense. But in short: don’t put me on a pedestal, I don’t want it and I don’t deserve it. And don’t be too disappointed when you find out that I am simply me, and not the person you wanted me to be.

xx