She wrapped herself in the comfortable blanket of darkness. There it was; again. Like an old friend visiting after months of silence. There they were; again. The tears that had no reason to be there. The emotions that were amplified by the fact that she had not taken her feel-good meds in weeks. They were there; again. She had known they would be back. Parts of her had been looking forward to the emotional embrace. Parts of her had dreaded the impact and the force of the reappearance of her old friend. The comforting blanket of sadness came just in time for the holidays. Was it worth fighting and going back to being numb? Or was the cold and empty reality the better choice? Irrational thoughts caressed her insecurities. Nothing and no one was irreplaceable. Not her. Not her emotions. Who was the true her: the one who was smiling, nodding, and accommodating everyone around her, or the one who easily let her emotions flow, who missed intimacy and closeness?
And while she was overthinking, crying silent tears, she wondered how many of her recent thoughts had been fake and manipulated by the intake of chemical happiness. She took a deep breath, smelling her pillow. A comforting witness of passed memories and deeply felt sorrow. I felt abject loneliness without you.
reflections of an unquiet mind 