mild trigger

Okay, so after a while of silence, I am aware that two posts in one day is a lot.

So… About the title… I was watching a show on Amazon Prime, where one of the main characters went to visit their parent, for the first time in 35 years. And while most people don’t understand how one could miss that much time with their parent, I completely understood. Unfortunately. And I cried. The characters cried too. I just felt triggered and guilty. For not visiting my mom. Truth is: I have not seen her since December 2021 when she was in ICU. In the meantime, lots has changed, like me changing jobs twice. I like spending time with my dad. He drink and laugh and talk. Never about anything deep, and yet. But with my mom and her illness… It’s hard, very hard. And the older I get, the harder it gets too. I mean, I know that a phone works both ways, but she does not call either. Oh and it sounds so very petty.

I am so used to repressing my émotions and feelings toward my mother and her illness (multiple sclerosis) that I never know how to feel. Guilt is a big part. Ashamed too. Overwhelmed and like a stranger. I wish I knew how to love a parent. But I don’t.

But I know how to love my kids. I know how to be a loving mom to my three teenagers. Even if my recent smoking habit upset them for a moment.

Anyway… I felt triggered tonight. Mildly.

I haven’t taken my meds in a week… And it starts to show… Shit… I guess I really do need them…