I’ve been

rather outspoken about my mental health on this blog. I have been open, sharing ups and downs and everything in between.

These last days, coincidentally with the start of the new job, I noticed that I am hyper. Talking a mile a minute, having 100 thoughts a second in my head. And I am laughing, joking, feeling – happy (?). And it is an alien emotion. One I haven’t felt this intensely in 5 years. Which also coincidentally was the start of the first time I worked at the place I am working now. (Different division, different position, more responsibility now…) but yeah. It feels as if I am home again and as if I can breathe. It feels as if going back was the best decision I made in a long while, although, there was a lot of anxiety attached to this. And really, after one week, maybe I am just wishful thinking.

My ADHD makes me an overthinker. We all know that. Now, I mentioned my mental health earlier and the sense of happiness? I don’t trust that too much. It’s been exactly 2 months since I am on Sertraline. I lost 10kg and these last 4 days, I have been different from anything I have been in the last years. And that too is either scary or comforting, depending on which way I am looking at it.

You see where I am going with this? Am I content, at peace and happy because of the job and life circumstances that are quite alright right now? Am I feeling this way because of the meds? Is this a residue or side effect of the COVID-19 infection I suffered two weeks ago?

And why am I not doubting any of this as much as I usually do? Meds?

I feel stronger than I have in a while. I am not frightened of the future. I feel loved by the right people. And I know that everything will be okay. For me, and for my friends who are suffering. Because right now, I am strong enough to support myself and my friends who are suffering.

It feels as if I don’t need to be performing right now, as if I don’t need an excuse for feeling my emotions. For the first time in a while, it feels okay to be me. Just me.