River. My River.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
And I stood with my naked feet in the river, feeling your strength pulling at my legs. I knew you would pull me under sooner or later. And it was no surprise when you did. I didn’t stand a chance. I held me breath and I gave up. Without a fight. There was nothing – no one worth fighting for. The noise of the waves breaking above my head was deafening and my heart began to race. I was scared. Afraid. Alone too. And yet, I couldn’t swim. Because I knew that you wouldn’t be there waiting for me at the shore. You wouldn’t save me. You weren’t there the moment I needed you most. I closed my eyes and let my body float. Weightless. The water took care of me. I pretended to be ready to be taken and held my breath. But I was not. I was not ready to lose. I was not ready to go.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
For a moment I considered praying. But what good would it do? I don’t believe. Not in God. Just in you. And I refused to ask for help. Just like I always do. My lungs were burning and my feet began to move. My legs began to tread water. With all my might, I pushed myself out of the river’s grip and took a deep breath of fresh air.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
Trembling and crying hot tears, I did my best to swim to the safety of the pebbled beach. Waves were still lapping at my legs and it was cold. So cold. My breath froze in the evening air, forming little clouds around me. I closed my eyes. So tired. Too tired. But my mind was cold and my bones were freezing. Sleep was not near. No redemption for me. The winter sun set behind the trees and the night sky became dark. Black. No moon. No stars. Hopeless, just like me. The world was eerily quiet, except for the waves of the river singing a soothing song. Just for me. Only for me.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
I couldn’t keep from shaking and my mind – my thoughts, they belonged to you. A serenity claimed me and heat spread around my heart like a warm blanket. I opened my eyes and I saw you. Felt your presence.
I can see you. You are the light. You are the love. You came to get me. My heart ached, but it was also filled with joy. My lungs burned with every breath I took, but it all went away the moment I took your hand. Completed by you. Filled by you. I became aware that this, this was my final moment. My last breath. My end. And I spent it with you.
River. My River.