Fall

“Smile!” She reminded herself looking at her reflection in the mirror. She sighed and tried to muster a smile, but it looked more like a grimace than a smile. Her teeth showed, but her lips didn’t move and her eyes didn’t light up. She shook her head in defeat. Without sparing herself a second glance, she slipped into her daily evening routine. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair. She washed her face and removed the remnants of her make-up. The cotton piled up on the edge of the sink. The reflection caught her eye again. She propped her arms up on the sink and lowered her head. “Smile. Your life could be worse.” She told herself, but she didn’t believe the words she heard, even if it were her own. Or maybe just because it were her own. “Shut up!” She demanded, lifting her chin in defiance. “What do you know anyway? You have no idea. I am single – again, or still. I am out of work. My car broke down. Everything is falling apart. Why am I even here? Nobody cares if I am dead or alive.” Angry tears ran down her cheeks and fell down in the sink. They rolled down and vanished in the drain, effectively concealing that the tears had ever existed.

“Do you really think so? There are many reasons to smile. At least you are alive and have a roof over your self-pitying head.” The conversation with herself took another turn.

Keeping her hands on the sink, she sank down on her knees. She started sobbing. “I don’t want to be here. Nobody loves me anyway.” Here words were drowned out by the heavy sobs and the way she gasped for air. Shaking herself, she took a deep breath and got up again. She faced herself in the mirror, hating how pathetic she looked. Snot was running out of her nose and over her lips. Her eyes were red and swollen, the lashes wet from her tears. With her hand, she wiped away the snot under her nose and washed her hands with soap afterwards.

“You have to love yourself before anyone else can.” She tried to pull herself up with quotes and positive memes she had read on the internet.

“There isn’t anything lovable about me.” Her voice was but a whisper. She shook her hands and drops of water landed on the mirror.

“You are smart and beautiful. Witty and you have a great sense of humor. You have good manners and you are intelligent.” The woman in the mirror told her.

“I am a smart ass and a nerd who can only talk about music and movies.” She countered.

“See it as a gift.”

“Did you know that gift in German translates to poison?” A small smile tugged at her lips this time.

“I am just too tired to fall down this dark and lonely pit again and again.” She admitted and looked herself straight in the eye. She straightened her stance and brushed her hair out of her face to pull it into a loose ponytail.

“Smile. Think positive. A positive attitude makes your life positive.” She snorted. “Get out of my brain, Jon.” Another smile crept up on her face. She had met Jon on Twitter and he posted many positive and inspirational tweets every day. She wanted to live more like him and take him as her role-model, but she couldn’t see her life and herself in a positive light most days. She dried her face with a soft towel and left the bathroom. Jon made her happy and every day, she waited for his tweets to show up in her timeline. Some days, Jon would include personal messages just for her.
She pulled her knitted cardigan closer around herself and shivered. It was end of October and it started to cool down outside.
Before long, she emerged from the kitchen, holding a steaming mug of hot tea in her hands and sat down in her favorite armchair. It was set close to the windows that had a view over the park.
The leaves were turning beautiful shades of orange, red and yellow. She looked at her phone, begging silently for a notification or a message to pop up on her screen. She took a sip of her green tea and let her gaze roam over the beautiful landscape.

“Bad attitude, I apologize.” Said her phone and vibrated in her hand. A new message from Jon. “Do you love the fall as much as I do?” He asked and she debated how to answer and if she should answer at all.

She knew two kinds of fall. The one she had felt mere moments ago in the bathroom. It had made her heart heavy and her thoughts dark. Sadness was like a warm and comforting blanket when she experienced a fall like that. She hated that fall. The other fall, with the colorful leaves, the days which became shorter and the nights that became longer – that was the fall she loved.
Another tweet made her phone vibrate. We all deserve happiness. She agreed and pushed the little star to favorite these four simple words.

Her mood was rising.

She was not complicated. Sometimes all it took to get her back on track was a song or a quote or a message from the right person. Jon was the right person. Every message that he sent and every tweet he published made her fall in love with him a little more. She took another deep breath and drank another sip of her tea. Maybe the conversation with herself had been right and good. Maybe she was lovable after all. This time, her fall had been stopped before she had hit rock bottom.
She opened her email client and started typing a message.

Dear Jon,

I like the fall, but not to fall…