Tag: thoughts

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I’m tired and pensive…

I am replaceable. My words are replaceable. Forgettable.
But
The love I share and give willingly is not.
I am replaceable. We all are. Which is good.
But
That doesn’t mean that we/I don’t leave holes and gapes and imprints on soul that will last longer than we/I do.

I always thought that I don’t want to be replaceable or forgettable. I never wanted to be one in a million, not even one of the few. I wanted to stand out and be special. I never did anything to deserve that though. That doesn’t mean that I am not standing out and that I am not someone special for someone else. And even if I am forgotten, isn’t it more important that the love I gave isn’t? Isn’t it more important that I touched three or four souls instead of hundreds or thousands? And will I ever know how many people truly read my words, my poems, my letters; how many are touched and changed? The answer is No. Because I will be forgotten and all that will be left of me are words on paper or screens. A thought. A touch. A shared moment. A memory. Maybe even a name. Most importantly, a feeling. An emotion that was stirred.

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Sunday morning musings

image

As soon as perceived perfection is achieved, it is not perfect enough anymore and we strive for something else.
More.
Always more.
Paradise doesn’t exist as long as we can’t accept it when we see it.
True love stays a myth as long as we destroy every meaningful relationship with our need for more.

Catherine Micqu xx

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I am fighting a war today. With me and myself. I am tired. And a woman. (sorry, TMI. I know). But my thoughts suck tonight. And there is only one person I would like to call. But my head tells me to let him be. And it makes me even more miserable. I feel as if I am sinking. And then the addict inside wakes up. Come on! Just once. You’ll feel better afterwards. Trust me. But as I said; I am fighting. And running in a circle. I try to escape myself, but – a circle. There is no escape. And I would talk to a friend. But in this kind of mood, my mind tells me that I don’t deserve to bother someone else with my ridiculous self-made problems.

Sometimes, I feel like I am running out of words and out of sound and all that comes out of my mouth are trivialities, because I simply can’t find a voice to tell the people around me how I really feel. (From this ancient post moods… )

 

The Cure  -Plainsong

 

SO I sit here and keep fighting. I am alone. No kids around. The music is loud. “Disintegration” by the Cure. I might need a cure for my own disintegration soon too.

A week or so ago, a friend told me that one of my qualities is that I never lose my humour. It just gets darker.

 

And I wonder, if I really fill his holes, why doesn’t he send a life sign. Nothing in weeks. Maybe he doesn’t want his holes to be filled. Maybe he likes to stand in the rain and the way it soaks his soul. And the creative in him can use the feelings of hurt he inflicts on himself to write. And I will be the reason for the rain and the pain. But I am not. I can’t be. Please don’t make me into someone I am not.

 

drowning internally One of those poems I have written a long time ago. From time to time, the emotions in it become true again.

 

xx

Cathy

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Love hurts

Love hurts

I wonder if that is true. Does love always have to hurt? Why is it so scary to allow love. To feel love and to receive it?
Mind you, I don’t have answers to the questions I’m asking.
I’m just wondering why feeling is scary as fuck.
Because it is. It is terrifying to feel an all consuming love for someone. It is terrifying to feel connected to someone. It is terrifying to know that there is a perfect match for you. It is terrifying to find that someone when we never thought that we deserve love.
It is scary and terrifying. A coward just hides in his shadows, pushes the other away. A strong person accepts the facts the heart and the soul already know.
What if we silenced our brain for a moment and just acted upon our feelings?
Can we love more than one person?

So many questions. And no answers.