Tag: last year

This December, this blog will turn 10 years old. (On 21st, to be precise). For a couple of days now I have been thinking about deleting the entire content on that day and start fresh. You know, a new beginning. At the same time, I am aware that the blog and me changed a lot since 2012 and it would be a bit sad to push that natural “evolution” away. I like writing these personal posts, at the same time, I wonder if those truths shouldn’t stay offline. Then again, I am not sharing any secrets, I am not writing personal stuff about people I don’t know. Poetry, creative writings like the Dear Stranger letters or many untitled pieces are complete (or 97%) fiction. The music I share is not to review it, it is just to share songs that touch me or took me by surprise that day. These days, it feels as if the blog lost its purpose. And let’s be honest, since I took that job in September, I am in a good place mentally and the inspiration or muse I had before almost vanished.

I used to be a talented writer, that’s for sure and I believe in my talent. I am not blocked for words, that’s for sure too. I am still talented, but I also think that I wrote the same words for years and they lost their depth and their meaning. For the writer and the reader.

Clearly, I am overthinking this. Some things never change.

What else am I overthinking? The year 2022… Here is an sample of a post that I began to write but will not finish…

• 2022 was a bit of a weird year, filled with self-reflection and also (it sounds weird) self-improvement
• In hindsight, I feel as if I have been wandering aimlessly for many years. My mental health was bad and worse for years and I was in a fog for a long while. I see clearer now and it feels good
• I worked three different jobs in 2022. I don’t really like to admit it because if feels like a failure of sorts, but I needed it to arrive at the place where I am now.
• When the year started, I was working at a foster home for pregnant teens and teen moms. In May, I began a job assisting parents during visits with their kids. This work was court ordered and although I loved both jobs, they felt wrong. I felt wrong there and I missed the work with kids. In September (after a late-night chat with a former boss) I got back to the place of work I had left in June 2021. I work in a different position now and I don’t work at the nursery anymore. Now, I work with schoolchildren. And it is a lot of fun. For a long while, I said that I would not want a job with children of that age – but erstens kommt es anders und zweitens als man denkt.
• It sounds weird and as if I was undecided what to do with my life but truthfully, I embrace the experiences I made and the people I met. All of them. I am very grateful and many moments of the last year definitely shaped my future.
• I haven’t written much, and it feels okay. Sometimes I try, but the words don’t really feel relevant or as if they need to be shared. And with that, I mean writing fiction. In 2022, the blog was all about me and my personal development. And here too, I wonder if I share too much and why am I doing it in the first place?! By the way, on December 21st, the blog will be 10 years old. A decade of words and music… We’ll see if I can come up with a post that is worthy of a decade of words.
• In 2021 I had shoulder surgery… My arm never fully recovered and I still have moments when I am in excruciating pain. I try to ignore it, but as so often, when you want to ignore something, it slowly turns into a monster. That’s an important life lesson, isn’t it?
• The last third of 2022 I noticed how I became more and more serene. I am not sad, and I have a good life. I have a small handful of Friends and of those there are the very few that I confide in without holding back.
• I also learnt how important personal boundaries are and how important it is to voice them. This applies not only to the career, but also to matters of the private life. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Not everyone can appreciate this honesty, but it feels good to show that kind of integrity at all times.
• Another lesson from 2022 (from 2021 actually): even when you know people for seven years or more, a friendship can still and always change. 

I will be 40 next February. That number does not scare me anymore. I was made aware of how much I achieved in my life time, how many obstacles were in my way and pushed away. I am often surrounded by people who are younger than I am. It’s only now that I am beginning to appreciate the fact that I can teach them things – simply because I am experienced in this thing called life.

Life is beautiful for now. I cannot sleep well and being under the weather for such a long time sucks, but the wonder and beauty of life prevails and I am lucky that I have incredible people in my life who are just a swipe of the screen, a phone call or and arm’s length away. My kids are awesome teenagers, funny, intelligent, beautiful. A fact to add to the list: in 2022 i fell in love with my husband again. I did not mention him often because I thought it would keep up some kind of mystery about myself – but I love that man. There is no better feeling that looking in his Green eyes and knowing exactly what he thinks. Or sitting at a table with him, talking for hours (after 22 years as a couple). Or watching TV with him, either sitting on the opposite ends of the couch, or me resting my head on his big round belly, his hand on my thigh…

Nice.

I’ll turn my phone off now. I don’t often turn it off at night, I want to be there (available) for a friend who has crippling nightmares and nightly panic attacks. Sometimes, he needs support and comfort at night… And most often, I am there to provide.

But not tonight…

G’night