Every Wednesday Aaron publishes a prompt on his blog. This Wednesday the prompt was “reflection”. Aaron is a prolific blogger who has a couple of reoccurring categories, check out his blog, I am pretty sure there are things you’ll like. For me, the Wednesday prompts help me to stay creative and, for now they also help me to keep the streak going. I haven’t posted daily in a long while, but did so for the last 53 days. As for yesterday’s post; it was just a sentence but it was exactly what I was going through. As I mentioned on Friday, I had guests and I think we grossly overdid it. At least I didn’t drink and write.
###
She sat on the couch, looking out the panoramic window. In the distance she saw the orange and red reflections of the street lamps. It was raining outside. It had been raining for many days straight now. Leaves were blown off the trees, she saw the shapes and shadows of them flying in the rain, but it was dark, there were no colours. In her living room, candles shone their light across the floors. She pulled the blanket tighter around herself and held on to her cup of freshly brewed tea. Her gaze was still focussed on the flickering lights in the distance. It was a beautiful and captivating view.
Lately she kept thinking about that one friend who was more than a friend but not exactly a lover either. Or was he? For years she had not wanted to label things. After all, everything they had was weird and she was sure to keep their first years together a secret. No one needed to know the intimate details of their relationship. What was born out of a drunken night chatting with a stranger on the internet and had turned into a sexual thing right away, had turned into a deep friendship without anything sexual involved anymore. It had taken time. A lot of time. Years actually. And many silent periods too, but they had always found a way back together. Like two halves that could only be complete in each other’s orbit. There were feelings. The kind of feelings that made it hard to keep things the way they were. There was love and care. Not strictly romantic but more than platonic either. Maybe it was love and she didn’t know it. She hadn’t felt love in a long while. Maybe she didn’t know what love really was?
She was aware that she did not know a lot about him. She only got to see glimpses of what he chose to show her. And the same could be said for her. She didn’t want to show him how damaged she really was out of fear to make him leave. She allowed him to talk and she provided a safe haven for him, it was important to her that he felt safe with her. Sometimes he spoke so much that he took all the air in the room and all the space in the world and she did not have any place to put in a word or a thought herself. And most days that was okay for her. She was a listener, a thinker. But there was that one day she could not forget. The day they had a huge fight on the phone and he kept yelling at her that he was suicidal and that his family had suffered for most of his childhood. He got angry when she said that she understood him well, insisting that no one had experienced the hell he had endured and survived. Well, she had. And when he finally listened to her and let her explain what exactly she understood and why, he calmed down immediately. He stopped yelling. He apologised and told her that he had had no idea their pasts were close to the same. Of course he also asked why she had never said anything earlier, after all they’d known each other for years by then. He wouldn’t have listened, she replied. And he agreed. It was the first time he acknowledged that he had been using her for years and for many different things and reasons. When he had alienated everyone of his friends, she was still there. When he was fighting with his brother or his girlfriend, she was there to listen. She was always there for him. He had been hurt often, but she had always been there to lick his wounds with him. “Now I love you even more,” he had said that evening, assuring her that one little fight would not be the end of them and asking the same of her: to not push him away because of the angry words he had uttered.
But who was there for her? Who was willing to listen when she was in pain, when she wished she could erase her existence from this earth as easily as one can erase a mistake from the screen? Not for the first time, she noticed that she had trust issues. She didn’t trust anyone to bare all of her. It was the reason why she was alone and felt lonely sometimes too. She only showed small parts of her to the people around. She played her cards close to her chest. Not because she wanted to appear mysterious, but simply because there was no other way for her to exist. She didn’t know anyone who was willing to get to know her. Or maybe there were people but she kept them at arm’s length out of fear of not being loveable enough. And yet, there he was. A daily part of her life. Someone she dreaded to lose or push away with something stupid she said. It was why she didn’t dare opening up to him all the way. It was why she did not fight for her own rights when she was with him.
The tea in her hands had gone cold and she saw her own reflection in the window now. Her overthinking mind had made her miserable once again. She sighed. If she could only be braver and stronger than she was. Her phone vibrated next to her, announcing an incoming text message. She sighed and took a deep breath before she looked at the display. Of course it was him. It was a simple “hello” but it made her smile. She wanted to keep him in her life. She needed him to be in her life. Even if her thoughts became a hurricane during lonely hours; overthinking everything they had said and shared, and even the things they had never said or shared. “I’m all yours”, she replied. “I know Sweetie. We have to talk…” Fear gripped at her, and her heart was racing when the phone in her hand rang. His voice was soft, and almost fragile when he told her about his day, and about thinking about them and their past. She wondered if he had had the same thoughts as she had had. “It’s time we face the truth, Sweetie. We belong together.” Her own face was still observing herself through the window. She was shaking, almost in physical pain. Outside, leaves were still dancing in the dark. This was the moment she had been dreading for such a long time. Would he leave her now or would he come clean? And while she was still overthinking, he explained that he had been reflecting their relationship for most of the day and came to the conclusion that he loved her. He was in love with her. He wanted to get to know every facet of her without holding anything back. He was not asking for anything in return just yet, only for her to love him back. And she did, but she didn’t have the words to admit it for now.
She stood up from the couch, wrestling her comfortable blanket off her legs. “Are you sure?” she asked, looking at herself in the window, and wincing at the question that had just left her mouth. She heard him talking but couldn’t understand everything he said. From the inside out, there was a sort of relief claiming her, overwhelming her with a lightness that almost had the ability to make fly. Nothing made sense, except, everything made perfect sense. She had been unsure of him for a long time, and now she knew that whatever they were, whichever label fit them best, was unimportant. The important thing was that there was love and care and understanding. But mostly love. There was a lot of love. Her fears lost their heaviness with his confession. And she began laughing out loud. “Yeah?” he asked and she replied “Yes”. They kept talking on the phone the same way they so often did, but this time there was a silent promise in every word that was said. A certainty that fortified their existing bond.
And every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face smiling at her. She shook her head. Overthinking often made her miserable and it made her avoid situations where she had to be honest about her feelings and emotions. But she was not alone. He was at her side. And he had been for many years. She didn’t remember why she had been so unsure of him, when he had been the only constant in her life. Maybe this was love. And maybe this was exactly what and who they had been all along. The things that had seemed lightyears away, were right there for her to take. He was right there for her to love, to be vulnerable with, and to explore whatever else life would offer them. Together. As more than friends. Two lovers.
reflections of an unquiet mind 