There was a time when I swore I would never let you go.
Then came the time when it was too painful to hold on.
There was a time when I wanted you back – all to myself, mind, body and soul.
Then came the time when I understood that I had to let you fly.
There was a time when I thought you would need me to be happy.
Then came the time when you spread your wings and abandoned me.
There was a time when I mourned your loss.
Then came the time when I realized the cut – as painful and deep as it was, was the best that could have happened to us.
There was a time when I watched you from afar, happy to see that you have found your own happiness.
Then came the time, when I turned away with the knowledge that you are well, safe and sound and I am not needed anymore.
There was a time when my emotions were locked in a cage without a key.
Then came the time, when this lock was broken and I was released from your magical spell.
Fall
“Smile!” She reminded herself looking at her reflection in the mirror. She sighed and tried to muster a smile, but it looked more like a grimace than a smile. Her teeth showed, but her lips didn’t move and her eyes didn’t light up. She shook her head in defeat. Without sparing herself a second glance, she slipped into her daily evening routine. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair. She washed her face and removed the remnants of her make-up. The cotton piled up on the edge of the sink. The reflection caught her eye again. She propped her arms up on the sink and lowered her head. “Smile. Your life could be worse.” She told herself, but she didn’t believe the words she heard, even if it were her own. Or maybe just because it were her own. “Shut up!” She demanded, lifting her chin in defiance. “What do you know anyway? You have no idea. I am single – again, or still. I am out of work. My car broke down. Everything is falling apart. Why am I even here? Nobody cares if I am dead or alive.” Angry tears ran down her cheeks and fell down in the sink. They rolled down and vanished in the drain, effectively concealing that the tears had ever existed.
“Do you really think so? There are many reasons to smile. At least you are alive and have a roof over your self-pitying head.” The conversation with herself took another turn.
Keeping her hands on the sink, she sank down on her knees. She started sobbing. “I don’t want to be here. Nobody loves me anyway.” Here words were drowned out by the heavy sobs and the way she gasped for air. Shaking herself, she took a deep breath and got up again. She faced herself in the mirror, hating how pathetic she looked. Snot was running out of her nose and over her lips. Her eyes were red and swollen, the lashes wet from her tears. With her hand, she wiped away the snot under her nose and washed her hands with soap afterwards.
“You have to love yourself before anyone else can.” She tried to pull herself up with quotes and positive memes she had read on the internet.
“There isn’t anything lovable about me.” Her voice was but a whisper. She shook her hands and drops of water landed on the mirror.
“You are smart and beautiful. Witty and you have a great sense of humor. You have good manners and you are intelligent.” The woman in the mirror told her.
“I am a smart ass and a nerd who can only talk about music and movies.” She countered.
“See it as a gift.”
“Did you know that gift in German translates to poison?” A small smile tugged at her lips this time.
“I am just too tired to fall down this dark and lonely pit again and again.” She admitted and looked herself straight in the eye. She straightened her stance and brushed her hair out of her face to pull it into a loose ponytail.
“Smile. Think positive. A positive attitude makes your life positive.” She snorted. “Get out of my brain, Jon.” Another smile crept up on her face. She had met Jon on Twitter and he posted many positive and inspirational tweets every day. She wanted to live more like him and take him as her role-model, but she couldn’t see her life and herself in a positive light most days. She dried her face with a soft towel and left the bathroom. Jon made her happy and every day, she waited for his tweets to show up in her timeline. Some days, Jon would include personal messages just for her.
She pulled her knitted cardigan closer around herself and shivered. It was end of October and it started to cool down outside.
Before long, she emerged from the kitchen, holding a steaming mug of hot tea in her hands and sat down in her favorite armchair. It was set close to the windows that had a view over the park.
The leaves were turning beautiful shades of orange, red and yellow. She looked at her phone, begging silently for a notification or a message to pop up on her screen. She took a sip of her green tea and let her gaze roam over the beautiful landscape.
“Bad attitude, I apologize.” Said her phone and vibrated in her hand. A new message from Jon. “Do you love the fall as much as I do?” He asked and she debated how to answer and if she should answer at all.
She knew two kinds of fall. The one she had felt mere moments ago in the bathroom. It had made her heart heavy and her thoughts dark. Sadness was like a warm and comforting blanket when she experienced a fall like that. She hated that fall. The other fall, with the colorful leaves, the days which became shorter and the nights that became longer – that was the fall she loved.
Another tweet made her phone vibrate. We all deserve happiness. She agreed and pushed the little star to favorite these four simple words.
Her mood was rising.
She was not complicated. Sometimes all it took to get her back on track was a song or a quote or a message from the right person. Jon was the right person. Every message that he sent and every tweet he published made her fall in love with him a little more. She took another deep breath and drank another sip of her tea. Maybe the conversation with herself had been right and good. Maybe she was lovable after all. This time, her fall had been stopped before she had hit rock bottom.
She opened her email client and started typing a message.
Dear Jon,
I like the fall, but not to fall…
the love of a family
Mirror mirror on the wall
do you really expect me to fall.
All their lies
and their despise,
We used to be a family
Now they chose me as the preferred enemy.
I am breaking underneath their blame
it burns me like a blazing flame.
They are not right
and this time I will fight.
I didn’t make her sick
they can beat me with a stick
but I will stand tall
I am not going to fall.
I am not to blame
this ceased to be a game.
They broke me as a child
and said that I was wild.
They left me scared and damaged
it’s still a wonder to see; all that I’ve managed.
It’s starting anew
bruising me black and blue.
I can’t understand why
and believe me, I do try.
They say my biggest mistake was to be born
looking at me with their scorn.
I never wanted this
where is the much advertised bliss?
I’m broken and still breaking
how much more am I supposed to be taking?
They make me cry and curse and want to scream
Wake me up from this bad dream.
But this is my reality , my life
and their words hurt me worse than did my knife.
it’s all unsaid
And you want to scream and shout but all you manage is a shrug of your shoulder, a disappointed look and you accept defeat once again.
If you only knew how to break out of that unhealthy relationship, tell him to go f@#$ himself and release you, but you stay silent and swallow the hurt.
Again and again and again.
He doesn’t even see how much you break inside each time you’re used like this, but as long as you keep your mouth shut nothing will change.
And so you take a deep breath and shout as loud as you can YOU ASS, YOU BASTARD, YOU STINK AND YOU ARE UGLY, YOU LITTLE SHIT AND HUGE FUCKER and you smirk…
But it was all in your head. It’s all unsaid.
####
Dedicated to the “pretend friends” who treat you like shit all the time and you still love them to bits and would go through hell for them.
And when, then, I’ll be
And when everything falls apart
And when nothing is real anymore
And when something unexpected happens
Then
I’ll be your rock in a storming sea
I’ll be the truth in your reality
I’ll be the glue that fixes the broken shards again
And when you feel like a failure and unloved
Then
I’ll be there and give you my love and make you see how many things you’ve achieved and how beautiful you are.
Fallen Angel
I wanted to catch you
But you fell.
Too heavy were your burdens.
Broken bones
And broken wings.
A fallen angel.
Guardian angel too?
I wanted to catch you
But you slipped through my fingers
Too heavy were your burdens.
I tried to bury myself
But you caught me before I could.
Too heavy were my burdens.
Broken spirit.
Broken dreams.
You’re my fallen angel
And my guardian angel too.
I want you badly
the simplest questions, I had to ask them
and I knew you would decline.
It didn’t hurt.
I had braced myself for rejection.
Your rejection is becoming a permanent part of my days.
It used to hurt,
but it doesn’t anymore.
Those are old wounds
and although I want you badly
the time slipped us by.
Time heals all our wounds
and our scars can be concealed.
I am just not sure if I am ready to let it happen.
I was sure that I had your love
you left and took the light with you
now I am living in a constant nightly daze.
the things you said
I can’t get it out of my head
was it just an idle threat?
it can’t be unsaid.
was I really that bad?
I’m going slightly mad
please come back to bed.
did you forget to take your meds?
come here, I’ll make you forget
in my arms there is nothing to dread.
missing you, missing us.
the love that once was ours is gone
differences become apparent,
outshining the similarities
and I miss you.
I miss us.
you’re gone
hidden in your head
ignoring what we once had
and I miss you.
I miss us.
fear not
Fear no evil,
for I am here
walking with you on this path.
Life is a journey,
with curves and hills, ups and downs
it leads us to our destiny.
Death is part of it all,
it’s scares us and makes us recoil
but it is the ultimate destination of our lives.
Fear no evil
I won’t let your memories be erased
You’ll stay in my heart, until the day I finally fade.
The heart
Once in a while, our hearts get broken.
No matter if it is by a family member, a friend or a lover – the pain is similar, sometimes even worse.
But the heart is a powerful muscle and as long as it beats, we are able to feel all kinds of emotions.
It takes strength and determination to leave someone and break their heart.
It takes strength and determination to brush yourself off, stand up and go on.
Not everything is meant to last eternally and there comes a time to let go.
Not with contempt or hate or misunderstanding,
But with love, forgiveness and a caring heart.
I walk into an uncertain future, but I know I loved and that I have been loved in return.
As long as our hearts go on, there is still life in us. As long as our hearts beat strong, there is still love in us.
Life goes on
While I am busy missing you,
Your life goes on.
While every breath becomes a chore for me,
Your life goes on.
While my life falls apart,
Your life goes on.
I only ever wanted to be a part of your life, but you threw me out.
Now your life goes on and I wonder;
How can I make my life go on without you when my world stopped spinning the moment you stopped loving me.
Nothing is okay and everything has changed, but while I wallow in my own bubble of misery,
Your life goes on.
Hearts are broken – every day.
Life goes on.
Words are spoken – every day.
Life goes on.
Dreamers are awoken – every day.
Life goes on.
Life goes on.
frozen heart
I am hidden in a place far away
with my heart and soul locked in a chest
I am afraid, to open it again and give away the key
too hurt, too shocked to move and to act
feeding me your words
I was listening
fading out the truth and the world
I was caught in your web
I never felt this strong
yet this weak before
Never was so sure of my worth
yet never doubted my words as much before either
Now I know, that yours were a lie
it’s all over
you threw me away
as soon as I started to stand up for myself
I woke up
I am back to reality
and I am grateful for the shove you gave me
It opened my eyes – just in time
In hindsight, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way
Icicles around my heart will melt
the hurt will fade
the lesson I’ve learned will stay with me for a long time.
You left me out in the cold
but there are people who care
people who cover me
and take my frozen hands.
I hold my head up high
and look at my reflection without regret
everything happens for a reason
even the events that threatened to freeze my heart.
awake
I spoke to you in the dark
in my dream you found me
you took my fears away
lifted the veil from my eyes.
You held my hand
while I was tumbling down a long road
caught me, when I fell
and you loved me.
I looked into your eyes
and saw the love you had for me
you helped me find what I was searching
I found my home deep inside your heart.
I found you in my dream
but you are still there, even when I am awake.
lost
my mind is lost
clogged with thoughts
where did I go wrong?
how many times should I say I’m sorry?
I care a lot. Too much?
But I feel lost
there is no peace in my mind
I’m running in circles
and I can’t break free
am I really that bad?
I never thought I was
and now I’m lost
lost in thought
lost in an empty space that once was filled with you
lost, when one word coming from you could make me emerge again
reflections of an unquiet mind 