Insomnia, dear stranger

It’s 2:45 in the morning, and I am wide awake. This hasn’t happened in a while and I feel how my mood is changing. I am irritated with myself because I am to blame for tonight’s insomnia. I was tired but had an appointment tonight. I thought it would be good to have a cup of coffee. I should have drunk espresso instead. No matter how many espressos (espressi?) I drink in the evening, I always sleep through the night.

Also, it is hot, my partner had too much beer (TMI: his farting keeps me awake), and I need to get up for work in three hours.

I tried avoiding my phone for a long while, but gave up eventually. I probably had 2 hours of sleep so far.

On a positive note, I sold two books, and the more I think about it, the happier I about the release. Just 3 more hours at work, and I will be on leave until August 25th. I bought a dress for a wedding, it is unusually colourful, but I look good in it. Waiting for the first review of my novel.

Most of my thoughts these days revolve about the novel and how readers perceive it.

I should try to catch some sleep.

***

Dear Stranger,

It is late, and I can’t sleep. You were on my mind these last days. A lot. All the time. It is good that we are strangers right now, but once in a while, I would love it if we were acquaintances again. Ah, stranger. If you only knew what I know. Am I awake in your dreams? Some nights, I dream myself away to you. My head on your chest, your fingers combing my hair. Sweaty from the day, our skin would stick together, and unbothered, we would lead a naked life. Naked body, naked soul. I close my eyes, and I see you. Always yours, “marriage material”

3:32 – goodnight

ramble…

You know what? Fuck it!!

It’s okay. I am okay the way I am. Including all my flaws.

We are all told every day that we need to change this and that to be loved and to fit in. But honestly? Who cares? No one does. No matter how much we work on us, it’s never okay anyway, and haters will always find something to criticize.

I am just fed up with people. At the same time, I want to acknowledge how far I came these last months. I did not learn a new language or learned to paint. I lost some weight and put it on again because I liked to have a drink (too many) a lot of the time… But skipped meals. And workouts.

I am passionately listening to music again. I haven’t written any poetry or anything else in a moment. I haven’t taken any pictures. And honestly, being here or not – it doesn’t matter. Or does it?

In my life was a person who didn’t speak well of me writing the blog. Did he ever read it? I am not sure. But everyone is a judge these days.

Years ago, someone told me “who cares? It doesn’t matter.” And I was so hurt back then, because I thought that it had to matter and that everyone has to care. But as so often, this person taught me a valuable lesson. How I miss that person…

So… I was sure to take a break and be quiet… Because I felt hurt. But I am a grown-up and will not act like a teenage girl. There is nothing wrong with being a teenage girl, I was one twenty years ago, but I am not anymore.

How is a grown-up supposed to act? How is a mom of three supposed to be?

I am me. I don’t always feel right, but in the end, I am.

I did have a drink tonight, but I also had lots of fun.

I don’t feel right – Tadgh Daly (2020)

Cathy, as a mom (it’s a conscious choice not to share many pics of my kids online. They are at an age where they are allowed to choose if they want to be present in an online world or not – I only share pics with their consent.)

more music

If you use Spotify, take a look at this playlist. It has many many many songs (over 1100 songs to be exact.) It is a mix of what I like to hear and you can find a mix of very different genres. Once in a while, I delete songs that I grew tired of or skip too often, but for every deleted song, there are two added and that’s how the list grew. I hear a song and I add it to that list. I have other private lists, but this one is the one I used daily.

Have fun exploring… and share your thoughts.

xx

Too hot to keep cool

I am clueless. Very often. What is happening?

And what the hell will happen to humanity if we keep going on like this?

The answer is: I don’t know. (Quote from one of my favourite movies: Reality Bites, I need to watch it again soon)

Fucking hell… I am speechless when I see the megalomaniac people, the egocentric ones, the selfish ones. Hate seems to be more valued than love, negativity is praised and “cool”, while positivity is weak and spiritual hippie crap. On the other side, being frail is accepted, flaws are welcome. Mental health issues are en vogue and everywhere and almost worn as a badge, as well as negated and diminished in the same conversation.

The world is full of complexities and opposites, and I am clueless about how to navigate them and about what will happen to us in these times of turmoil.

We will all go down. Fuck me… No one gets out of here alive.

But I am realizing more and more that serenity helps us get past any obstacles.

Most things are in our head, and reacting negatively makes everything worse instead of better. But positivity is so scarce these days, and, I, for one, have not learnt and experienced a lot of positivity in my formative years.

My mind is all over the place. And I am clueless. I often am. How can we sit back and watch as the world turns itself to dust?

What are you doing to make a change?

Me? I watch what I consume, recycle all my waste, take care of the environment, reduce the use of plastic… And, I work at a nursery where I try to educate the kids and share my values.

I also share my liberal values with my kids. I have discussions with them, explaining why I do the things in my own special way.

Yes, I am odd, but I am unique, and no matter how low my self-esteem can be, I also know that my presence enriches the life of everyone who is invited to walk on a part of their journey next to me.

It is too hot to keep cool…

Cathy

Unforgettable

One of my biggest and most irrational fears is to be forgotten. Rationally, I know that we don’t forget the people we like. We don’t forget the people who we invite in our lives or hearts. And yet, I am afraid to be forgotten. Once in a while, I ask people not to forget me. It must sound strange to them; maybe even annoying. Just, at that moment, my mind needs a reminder that I am unforgettable.

I am a piece of work.

Un-asleep

2:45 am. I can’t sleep. I woke up from a dream – not a nightmare, but unsettling too. I keep trying to recall my dream, but it is gone – lost in the corners of my mind. I just know that I was wrong about something. I did the worst one can do when unable to sleep; I took my phone and checked notifications. I was on Twitter and on a whim, I unfollowed a couple of accounts, the one of my former favourite band too – turns out they are a bunch of pretentious bellends. It took me almost 20 years to see it. I still appreciate their music; it was the soundtrack of my life, and yet… I really don’t like the people they became. Or is it me?

Am I drifting away from the person I used to be? I feel empty and overflowing. Sad and happy. Tired and wide awake.

How did that happen? When did everything change?

In a little more than 2 hours my alarm will go off, and I need to go to work. Early shift. I like that – if only it started later, lol.

Birds are beginning to chirp outside (the window is open); my husband is snoring next to me, and my mind is thinking too loud.

Music…

Let’s start this music post with something progressive.

The band is called Gazpacho, and the song is called “Chequered Light Buildings.”

The song is from an album called “Night” (2007, Kscope)

🎧🎵🎶

The second song I recommend is called “A Long Time Listening” from another Nordic band, (Gazpacho are from Norway) Agent Fresco. (Agent Fresco are from Iceland)

The song is from an album with the same name – “A Long Time Listening” (2010, Record Records)

Thoughts?