song of the day

the National – I need my girl

From the album “Trouble Will Find Me” (2013, 4AD)

It must be Matt Berninger’s voice that touches me so much in this song, or his lyrics? I also like Tom Smith’s voice a lot. (from the British band Editors). I guess it is the baritone. I find it soothing. Like a caress or a veil that hides me from the world for a short moment.

Editors – sugar

From the album “The Weight of Your Love” (2013, PIAS Records)

It breaks my heart to love you


Have a nice Tuesday.

I didn’t sleep at night. (well, only for about two hours.) Too much reality, not enough fantasy… I did not share a song yesterday, apart from the one in the post I shared. I did not write any poetry yesterday either. Though, my favourite sentence I wrote yesterday was: hunting ghosts and chasing phantom pains. It would be a good title for my next poetry collection. Although I am not planning or working on a new release right now. But, the quality of my writing these last days is better than it has been in a while. Is it vain to praise oneself? Maybe it is, but writing and my ability to use words (in writing, not in talking) is something that makes me proud of myself. It is my special talent. 🙂 My horoscope said to find something that makes me proud today and allow these feelings. It’s quite hard for me to find something positive about myself. I am used to being a carer and a giver. A childhood-trauma is not being good enough, not being worthy of love and affection unless I forget my own needs and cater to others’. In my head, I am only loveable if I give parts of myself away, whether it does myself some good or not. It is probably a reason why I chose my job. And it shows in my everyday life. I bring my husband coffee to his desk every morning. I ask if he needs anything when I get up from the couch while watching TV, I offer drinks or food at different times of the day… It is my way of showing that I care. I also touch a lot, I caress when I walk by and things like that. It is rarely reciprocated and even less often offered coming from him without asking bluntly. I miss being cared for. I miss being loved and feeling like a million bucks. Twenty years is a long long time. Phew… this turned into something else,



Thoughts of the day while enduring the Hobbit on TV

I miss work. Not the colleagues, but the kids and the work itself. Right now, I am on leave because of my own kids. They have a two week spring break, but after that, they will need to be homeschooled again until May 4th. (At the earliest.) My boss sent out emails to every employee this morning to plan ahead and organise out next weeks; To think about projects and write down activities. As I am working part-time (20hours/week) at a nursery, I was required to write 20 new activities. I did it all in 4 hours, and thinking about it and the development of each child made me miss them even more. Later this morning, I received an email stating that everyone being on leave to be with their kids did not have to do this. Well, I was too fast, it was too late. 20 activities had been written down.

And while I am missing the nursery, the toddlers and babies, I am also happy to be home. I am developing some kind of phobia. I don’t want to see anyone; it makes me uncomfortable. And I can’t do video chats. It makes me even more uncomfortable. Once every week, I need to make a video conference with my two co-workers. It makes me nervous, and I hate seeing myself on the screen. I was offered an opportunity to video chat with Nate Maingard (musician and modern troubadour), I had to decline – with a heavy heart. But at this time, I can’t step out of my comfort zone for a stranger when I can’t even video chat with my sisters.

Before our confinement, I flat out refused to do these video chats. Now, I have to make concessions too. Ah, I am rambling again.

All to say… I want everything to go back to normal, but the thought of leaving the house scares me shitless.

How about you?

PS: since March 13th, I had three calls from my mom; before that, I didn’t have any news in 6 months…

PPS: the title of this post was promising, and it was followed by nothingness. Sorry.