more than you might see

We are different. We all have different minds and different things that shake our worlds. My madness is not worse or better than yours. It is unimportant to the grand scheme of it all. But, little things can have a huge impact. Words carelessly thrown at a stranger might leave them bruised or uplifted. A smile or a hug can change entire lives. A broken string can mean much more than just a broken bracelet.

 A broken string can mean much more than just a broken bracelet

I used to wear the bracelet on the picture around my wrist. Every day for nearly a year and I never took it off. Never. The threads were worn thin and there was a moment when I was in a near panic-like state when I thought about losing this simple piece of jewelry. But I also knew that the day would come. Inevitably. For most, it is just that – another weird thing Cathy wears and fondles all the time. But it is – and was much more. Little things have memories and meaning. And, this piece is unique. It doesn’t exist a second time. I had it custom made for me with these exact words. I needed those words with me. I needed to be reminded of them. I was losing a battle. Not a war, but a battle. Inside. And while I was living, I forgot to exist. I was not there.
Are you there? Is the title of a song (shared at the end of this post). It is also the question I was asked several times by the person who inspired most of last year’s writing, and my personal change and growth in recent times too.
Those words, worn against my pulse, were a daily reminder. As I said, different small things shake our worlds in different ways.
This broken thread would be easily replaced and everything would be fixed. But it is not that easy. It never is as easy as it seems.
Letting go of this little thing means letting go of something else. It means letting hope float to different – distant, shores. The memories and the meaning that were attached to that bracelet will remain with it, always. But sometimes we can’t or shouldn’t fix what is broken, because it will not be the same anymore. It will always just be the thing that was once broken and is fixed now. And it can work, but not for this. Not for me.Sometimes, it is good to put the memories in a box and close the lid on it.
I knew that the day would come the bracelet would come undone. And in my mind, I also knew, that this moment would be emotional. Because it is not something meaningless. To me, this was – this is, meaningful.

The beauty of life, isn’t it? What’s meaningful to you could be absolutely meaningless for me (and the other way around).

Are you there?
He asked and she said yes. She would always be there. Waiting for him.
Are you there?
She wondered about herself. The answer was No. She was not. She lived in a world of unfulfillable fantasies. And he had brought her back.
Back down to earth.

 

Soap bubble in the sky

There is something sad and lonely in this pic. Maybe melancholy, because we know that the bubble will burst. At the same time, there is beauty in it too…

 

Add: 08/10/2019: This is the picture that was used for the cover of my book. Cropped and with a negative filter… Still a beautiful picture. Julian Lennon posted many pictures of soap bubbles on his IG account recently…

just a comment…

It is just a comment but it is more. This was written underneath ‘The Show Must Go On’ 

I wrote that story last night on my phone, just before I closed my eyes to sleep. It didn’t take an hour. To have comments like this is truly humbling. I am deeply grateful for every reader. 

xx

Cathy

happy news

I signed my employment contract today and I couldn’t be happier. It took me a while to find this spot, but it seems to be what I want and need. I had a trial day and I had a blast with the coworkers and I felt well and at ease. This is just a huge step for me.

It’s a week of renewment. Okay, so spellchecker doesn’t like that word. It’s a week to start over. (better?!) I decided to move on and not backward anymore.

Amor Fati… that’s what I read a couple of days ago and was reminded that at one time in the past I did that a lot more than I do now.

I am a working mom now 🙂

So, this morning I went to sign my employment contract. And something happened.
I usually feel young and sometimes I also feel inexperienced in life. Both is untrue… But it’s a feeling. Anyway… Today, I sat in a room with 4 people who had just left school and got jobs at the same company. For the first time, I felt old and capable of teaching them things. Not old as in ancient, but experienced 🙂 And I looked in their frightened faces and thought… Well, I was like that once. And now, look at me… Signing my name on a sheet of paper doesn’t faze me anymore. I was so much calmer than them. And that realisation was an eye-opener… I haven’t felt calm and serene in a while. My restlessness was self-made. My worries were self-made. It all came down to the people I let in my heart and in my mind and who had an easy play to mess with me. You see… Or you know… My heart is on my sleeve, my emotions never very well hidden. And there are people who latch on to that. They suck the happiness out of you until you believe they are your only source of happiness. And they make you believe that you can’t be without them because of reason you will never really understand but make you grateful for their attention and time anyway. Truth is, most often, we are better off without these people.
Look around you! There are people who love you. There is no need to go on a quest to find something that is nothing but can ruin everything.

This post became somewhat strange, lol.

TAKK, MERCI, THANK YOU, for reading

xx

Cathy

World Gratitude Day

​I just read that September 21st is world gratitude day. I am a fan of lists, here are some things I am grateful for:
*living in a safe country without wars or high crime rate

*friends who don’t ask anything in return when I need their shoulder for once

*the strength I recently showed when I reached out and asked for support

*the smile that is always there, even when I am not well

*my husband who makes me feel safe

*clean water and food in abundance

*people who like my writing and comment on it (and don’t shy away from reading my short stories – a not so subtle request to read my short stories, lol. The ones on my profiles and the ones hidden in that collection called ‘Try a Little Tenderness’)

*the air that we breathe daily

*and the sun that kisses our skin

*the ability to write and to read

*Internet

*music that matches my mood

*happy children

*pizza… I so want pizza now, but it’s almost 11pm… I think we’ll have pizza for dinner tomorrow 🙂

*my busy (and often annoying) mind

*(many more, less shallow things)
Can you share 3 things for which you are grateful?
xx

Cathy

her mind is troubled

​Sadness. It covers her like a veil. For no reason. There are no passed memories trying to shred her future to pieces. There is no longing for a love she can’t get. There is nothing. Just emptiness. But the void inside hurts. And the tension, the inner pressure, rises. And rises. Her scars are prickling. Thoughts of suicide, not her own, just the act of it, are circling her mind and poisoning her writing. And the scars. They are begging for an addition. Open the skin. Release what’s inside and let it drip down the outside. It’s getting harder for her to avoid temptation and triggers. Everything is alright. She said it so many times that she stopped believing the lie. Just one tiny cut. Just one more. An addiction. And her drug is the pain she will not feel, only see in crimson droplets and opened skin. The box cutter lies on the shelf. Just one cut. It will make everything alright. Stop telling these lies.

https://youtu.be/FZoojCO2Jbk

I posted this little thing minutes ago on Wattpad. The comment touched me and made me happy

Sunday morning musings

image

As soon as perceived perfection is achieved, it is not perfect enough anymore and we strive for something else.
More.
Always more.
Paradise doesn’t exist as long as we can’t accept it when we see it.
True love stays a myth as long as we destroy every meaningful relationship with our need for more.

Catherine Micqu xx