Wrong

​Wrong looks
Wrong words
Wrong thoughts
Wrong lives
Everything wrong.

Cast them out
Don’t allow them into our circle
They will infect our perfect world with imperfections.

What’s wrong with me?
Who made me this kind of wrong?
Why can’t my thoughts be less wrong?
Will I ever learn how not to be wrong?

I was wrong for too long.
It left me raw.
In their eyes my kind of wrong will never be right.

Judgement
Assessment
A leer
A sneer.

Turn life off. This is all wrong.

Teardrop

I grant you this teardrop
it is my last emotion for you.
Take the memories when you close the door
and erase the broken melodies.
Our friendship is forever stained
and it will never be how it was.
You moved on
and I am still right here.
I’ll make the same mistakes again
countless times and more
Take this last teardrop from me,
lock it up and keep it safe
no need to say sorry
it is just another lonely goodbye.

more than you might see

We are different. We all have different minds and different things that shake our worlds. My madness is not worse or better than yours. It is unimportant to the grand scheme of it all. But, little things can have a huge impact. Words carelessly thrown at a stranger might leave them bruised or uplifted. A smile or a hug can change entire lives. A broken string can mean much more than just a broken bracelet.

 A broken string can mean much more than just a broken bracelet

I used to wear the bracelet on the picture around my wrist. Every day for nearly a year and I never took it off. Never. The threads were worn thin and there was a moment when I was in a near panic-like state when I thought about losing this simple piece of jewelry. But I also knew that the day would come. Inevitably. For most, it is just that – another weird thing Cathy wears and fondles all the time. But it is – and was much more. Little things have memories and meaning. And, this piece is unique. It doesn’t exist a second time. I had it custom made for me with these exact words. I needed those words with me. I needed to be reminded of them. I was losing a battle. Not a war, but a battle. Inside. And while I was living, I forgot to exist. I was not there.
Are you there? Is the title of a song (shared at the end of this post). It is also the question I was asked several times by the person who inspired most of last year’s writing, and my personal change and growth in recent times too.
Those words, worn against my pulse, were a daily reminder. As I said, different small things shake our worlds in different ways.
This broken thread would be easily replaced and everything would be fixed. But it is not that easy. It never is as easy as it seems.
Letting go of this little thing means letting go of something else. It means letting hope float to different – distant, shores. The memories and the meaning that were attached to that bracelet will remain with it, always. But sometimes we can’t or shouldn’t fix what is broken, because it will not be the same anymore. It will always just be the thing that was once broken and is fixed now. And it can work, but not for this. Not for me.Sometimes, it is good to put the memories in a box and close the lid on it.
I knew that the day would come the bracelet would come undone. And in my mind, I also knew, that this moment would be emotional. Because it is not something meaningless. To me, this was – this is, meaningful.

The beauty of life, isn’t it? What’s meaningful to you could be absolutely meaningless for me (and the other way around).

Are you there?
He asked and she said yes. She would always be there. Waiting for him.
Are you there?
She wondered about herself. The answer was No. She was not. She lived in a world of unfulfillable fantasies. And he had brought her back.
Back down to earth.

 

101 things I dislike

​The idea comes from the same blogger as the last one. Thank you Paul. Go read his blog – The Captain’s Speech! That’s an order. So, without fear of being judged (read: with near panic like fear of being judged) I will try to come up with 101 things I don’t like.
1. The colour orange 

2. Flying 

3. The cold weather

4. Snow

5. Chocolate 

6. Ketshup 

7. The new version of ‘Sound of Silence’ by the band Disturbed

8. Waiting 

9. Taking orders

10. People who don’t say thank you

11. Rude people 

12. Unanswered questions 

13. Lemon

14. birds

15. Feathers 

16. The sound of my alarm clock 

17. Being tickled 

18. Being taken for granted

19. Negative people 

20. Emotional vampires 

21. Instruments that are out of tune

22. Cocky people 

23. Jealousy 

24. Drivers not setting the turn signal 

25. Wondering if my English is right and if others understand 

26. Doubting myself

27. People who make lots of noise when they are eating (!! Important one)

28. Fruit

29. Killing animals – even flies

30. Not being taken seriously 

31. That one person who always acts as if he is superior 

32. Belching 

33. The smell of vomit

34. Touching door handles in public spaces 

35. Not seeing anything at a concert

36. Payment declined

37. Forgetting my pin code

38. Water touching my ears (anything touching my ears)

39. Swimming

40. Crowds

41. Ignorance 

42. The smell of cold smoke

43. Sprite

44. Anything bitter

45. Having a stuffed nose 

46. Being surprised 

47. Offering presents

48. Shopping for clothes 

49. Animals 

50. Meat

51. Saying goodbye 

52. Deadlines

53. Gory horror movies

54. Going to church 

55. Thinking about negative things

56. Mess left by the kids after eating nuts or grains

57. Jazz

58. Musicals

59. Long fingernails

60. Not having enough sleep

61. Chanel no 5

62. Visiting a home for disabled people 

63. The sound of chalk on a blackboard

64. Expensive rents or mortgages

65. Working in a garden

66. Scetching, drawing, painting

67. Pens that aren’t working

68. Coffee with sugar

69. My double chin 

70. Milk

71. Hairy feet

72. Star wars 

73. Harry Potter

74. Lord of the rings

75. The way eyes itch from allergies 

76. Almonds and nuts 

77. Bread (with the exception of French baguette)

78. No toilet paper when I am on the loo

79. Autocorrect 

80. Forgetting to save my work

81. 0 likes on stories or poems I thought turned out great.

82. Questions with obvious answers

83. Gossip

84. Talking bad behind someone’s back

85. Losing track of people 

86. A clock that doesn’t work right

87. Forgetting things 

88. Broken promises 

89. Seeing a box cutter when I am in a bad mood

90. Dentists 

91. Being late 

92. Heartache 

93. Migraines 

94. Fishing for more things I dislike

95. No network

96. That social media knows everything about us

97. Being watched while crying 

98. Being stared at

99. Oranges

100. My voice 

101. That I did find 100 things I dislike…
Are you surprised? Why? Disliking something is not hating something, just to be clear. Now, what do you think?

When does this neediness stop?

​So, this is Christmas and I miss you, again. I know you are alone and I am not, but I cannot get you out of my mind. How I wish you would call and say all the things you used to say. I would get in touch but you asked me not to. I hate every moment of this. Can’t you see! We could live in mutual bliss. You and me and all the other people involved. This is just pain you’re putting me through. I know. I know it’s for your best. Not for mine. You know it’s not for me. I got in touch and hoped you would love me. And maybe you did. But our minute is over. And I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts. When I am asleep you love me back. Maybe you do too when I am not? But fuck!! I would like you to love me now. Right the fuck now. No matter how many times I deny it, I hate that you don’t love me. Say that you can’t live without me. Say that you need me in your life. Say that you can’t be without me… Dammit. You can’t. And fuck you but I understand. I wouldn’t love me either.

amor fati

In life, there are many ups and downs, but everything happens for a reason. We walk on a predestined path while seemingly choosing our destination at free will. I believe in free will. At the same time I also believe in a journey we are meant to experience. Sometimes, it feels as if our world is falling apart and we are tempted to give up and let go. I am still here. Many others are survivors too. Others didn’t make it… The moment we begin to accept our fate – love it even, every lesson gets a new meaning. We need to be here in our present. I know that it’s not easy to love life, but it is well worth it. Amor fati – love your fate.