you are light and you came here to shine

Nathan Maingard

Hm… I know what I want to say in my language, but how do I say it in English without being rude?

The above quote was in a newsletter by Nathan (Nate) Maingard. Well, I forgot to unsubscribe to it, but everything happens for a reason, and the quote spoke to me, that’s why I mention it.

I used to support Nate quite a lot on Patreon, because I believed he had something to share and because I met awesome people through him – Julia, Ryan, I am looking at you!

But Nate is an independent thinker, a free spirit – I am not. He struggled and fought a lot in his life and he shares a lot of it, but none of it reaches me. I still believe that he is an awesome man with a lot to give and with stories to tell, but his convictions, and the way he sees the world differs too much from how I experience the world.

I learnt a lot from this self-proclaimed South African troubadour – the most important lessons I learnt was certainly this:

You are not alone, we all suffer and we all have a chance at getting better. We need to listen to our selves to improve our selves.

In the end, I only forgot to cancel a subscription, but it reminded me of this song I quite like:

Without meaning any harm, I want to say again: I like Nathan’s music, but I don’t agree with his worldview.

Is that even possible or allowed?!

I don’t care… Nathan was an important part of my journey for some months/years and I will be forever grateful for the gift of music he gave me. Thank you 💜❤️💜 Our paths parted but I can still acknowledge the benefits of our brief friendship, and I will never forget that Nate read one of my poems to an important audience during a Livestream.

Thank you, and goodnight xx

People are in our lives for a reason…


When someone has the power to unlock the key to the cage that became our comfort zone,

we have to make the decision:

Do we step out and into the wild?

Or do we hide away to stay safe?


Should you forgive the pain others caused? Should you forget how they mistreated you? Is it possible to move past the hurt and the suffering? Can one live on when their entire being is devoured by panic causing demons from the past?

I don’t have a definite answer to this. All I know is that every trauma needs to be addressed for it to become smaller and smaller in size, for it to lose its importance and the control it has over us.

part 3

My words are yours. My self is yours. Tell me: how can I ever go back to the time before? Before you told me everything you knew about me – a list of things I did not even know.

I need to be myself again. But how can I be when one day without you feels so wrong that my skin crawls and my head and heart ache? How can it be? And how can I become? Me?

There is only one way: I need to leave. I need to detox. I need to get over this addiction. I need to forget. You.


part 2

I gave myself to you. I did everything your way, broke my rules and forgot my boundaries. I gave myself to you until none of me was left. I had turned into a stranger to myself.

part 1

I wrote to you until there were no words left in my fingers. My heart was overflowing, my mind was too, but my words were used up. I gave them all to you.


She knew things about him he did not know yet

He knew things about her she did not know yet

It took time to learn

It took time to be

It took time


Do you know that feeling of being without words? A head full of thoughts that are unable to be voiced? As if the words are stuck in your throat and the moment you want to say them, they make no sound?

I experience this once in a while. It started yesterday and it is still there today. I cannot speak. And I also physically feel this, my tongue is stuck against the palate, my jaw is tense – as a result, my neck is tense too, which in turn affects my shoulder.

(I am known to remind people to breathe and to unclench their jaw or teeth when they are anxious – try it. It works. Most of the time.)

This state makes me seem passive-aggressive. I am not; I am just without words, and the ones I am capable of using are often short and that’s interpreted as being rude. But because this is real life, I don’t have the words to explain that I can’t speak – it’s a circle, really.

It’s a sure way of pushing people away, of making them run.

So, instead of replying to messages, I leave them on read and kind of ghost the people until I feel better. Only very few receive an instant reply when they message me anyway – but in a state like this, only the three or four very special ones of those few get my attention. Even at the risk of being perceived as rude or passive-aggressive.

I am weirder than you. Sticky emotional neediness.

Words are weapons or blankets. They can hurt or comfort.

Be kind!

People are very weird, even more so on the internet.

Just a couple of days ago, a band I used to follow on every platform, a band that disbanded in 2020, posted a statement that one of their members made a suicide attempt. The statement shared all kinds of very personal information about mental illnesses and it also addresses rumours that have been floating around for years, about said musician.

I am, of course, talking about Anathema and Daniel Cavanagh.

Anathema’s statement on Facebook (I hope the link works, I don’t use FB, I deactivated my account a while ago)

I was indeed shocked to read the statement, because I was heavily influenced by this band during my formative years. Even now, when I need something comforting, I go back to this band’s music, and I am looking forward to the new project that has been announced a while ago – Weather Systems. Now, I am not a die-hard fan, I am not one who reads rumours or reads comments on posts, but this time, I did. And I shouldn’t have.

Instead of showing compassion though, there are comments (on Instagram) wondering if the statement is even true or if it is a way of extorting more money from fans – Mr Cavanagh, through a fan of the band, was/is asking fans to donate money to a Go Fund Me campaign to be able to record a new album of his new project – Weather Systems.

Where is all this hate coming from? And why is it directed towards a literal stranger? A man who is on his knees as it is.

There are also the comments telling that they love him and how much he influenced them. Nice ones. But they don’t stick out as much.

I wonder… If I were a musician who was suffering through all this, and decided that it is time to step forward, to strip my soul bare; if I read those comments, the nice ones would certainly give me a lift, but the negative ones, I think they would send me down a downward spiral.

What is happening in this world that people can’t show a little respect, compassion, and empathy towards a man who felt so wrong on this earth that he wanted to erase his existence?

I cannot understand this. Not one bit. It makes me lose faith in humanity.

Be kind. Be gentle. And don’t judge without knowing the facts. Everyone is fighting a battle, even if we can’t see it.

To Dan, I wish lots of strength, love, and patience. The world is a better place with you in it. 💜✨💜

Listen to CATHEDRAL by Weather Systems on #SoundCloud