Once, I would have written everything down… Onto your screen or into my journal. But not anymore – or better yet, not right now. I am growing tired. I am weary of this and of me. Of (my) reactions. Of the same stories being told again and again, the only thing that changes are the words. The narrative stays the same. I am afraid to become numb. Or to be too overwhelmed. In both instances, I cannot think clearly.
Someone told me recently: I’ve been through hell, and I know your terrors, but they are nothing compared to mine.
I should have screamed and yelled but all I did was agree with them and become silent. What makes them say that their ordeal or their struggles are worse than mine? They are different. But I believe that mental pain, soul-pain cannot be measured or compared. Statements like that make me grow silent. I don’t see the point in arguing. I just silently disagree and disengage from the conversation.
I shared a picture of myself on IG last night. Two different people, people who I met at different moments in my life, sent private messages saying that I look very happy. I thanked them politely. I am smiling… That much is true.
But I am also masking… It’s the job… I am around adults all the time and I need to be neutral and functioning. I need to listen, observe, and reflect and I need to judge, analyse and write reports about people. And that is draining. Very much so. It is exhausting, and it feels as if I don’t have a moment for myself anymore. I need that though. I need that to recharge my batteries. And I need mornings to sleep in once in a while. Moments to rest. That too is not happening a lot anymore… And it sucks. The lack of personal time is certainly a reason why I don’t write everything down anymore.
Ah well… A new week is around the corner. It’s already July and I am wondering where the time went. Next Friday, my youngest will be 12. The week after that, the summer holidays for the kids will start and then soon, a vacation for the family – if the COVID rules allow us to travel… One can never know these days.
For now, I am on my way to bed.
(PS: the title, I think I already used that years ago, or used that sentence in a post. It came to my mind just now, but there is something familiar about it and I cannot put my finger on it)