Every night

Every night, I have the same dream
Every night
A dream
That turns into a nightmare.

Every night, I have the same nightmare
Every night
The nightmare
Wakes me up with stars in my eyes.

Every night, I wake up with stars in my eyes
Every night
Stars in my eyes
Witness the sorrow I feel without you.

Every night, without you
Every night
Without you
I have the same dream, missing you.

Come back

Can you hear my voice, repeating the words we already said? One day without you, and I feel as if an important piece of me is missing. Can you hear my voice, guiding you back into the safety of my arms? Wherever you are, I beg you, don’t drown in guilt and doubt. I am strong enough to protect us both. I promise.

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Where are you tonight? I saw you walking down the tunnel, but at the end there was no light. I fought for a candle to flicker for you at night. But my light was never right. Where are you now? If I was able to save your soul, it would save my own too.

Being able to lie in the grass at night, on my back, looking at the clouds and the stars, hearing bugs and nature, planes and some cars… It is quite awesome. Even more so when I look at our house. Our home. It feels surreal some times. If I allow myself to look at the successes in my life, I am in awe of it all. But as we all know, I seldom praise my own achievements…

It’s the little things…

guilt

It is so easy to love you and your troubled mind
But it is so hard to love myself with the same troubles
And I can't live with all the things I am not feeling
And I can't live with all the things I am feeling
It is so easy to forgive you for all you've done
But I will never be able to forgive myself.

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His words felt like a warm blanket on a winter’s night. She felt comforted, cared for, and maybe even a little loved. He taught her that all it took was showing her vulnerable side, allowing herself to be weak for once. So simple, yet so hard to do.

Satursongday

Sia – breathe me

From the album “Colour the Small One” (2004)

After a sleepless night and a slow morning, I need to remind myself to breathe. If I don’t, I will slip down a spiral of darkness and sadness.

Good morning to all… Stay strong 💪We’ve got this.

Random things people said to me recently

There is something sensual in your eyes, I like it, but it is dangerous

Everyone likes you, how could people not? You are so serene all the time

You know so much about everything. Why?

I like your glasses

How can you wear black in this heat?

Could you spare a few quids for your best mate?

I expected you to have hidden tattoos

There’s something in your eyes today

You need to make a decision

You are leaving because we didn’t party hard enough

I always appreciated your work and there was no doubt that you are prefect for this position. Welcome back

Are you sure about this?

Your shoes are amazing

Have you tried wearing colours?

Oh, weird. You are wearing something colourful

Your eyes and your voice are so sexy, if you lost weight you’d be my perfect companion

(…)

Not sure what was special about my eyes this week, but people kept commenting on them… I can’t sleep… It’s early, I am exhausted, but I keep tossing and turning, this is the outcome…

My moon

I gave you my moon to shine a light in your darkness
I gave you my moon so that you could control the sea
The light was blinding me and left me lost in the dark
The seas's rough waves were embracing my weak body
I gave you everything so that you could protect me
And now I am slowly drifting out of your reach
Slipping through your fingers, because you are not there
My moon became your light
My moon showed you a way out of your eternal night

Sunday Scribblings #115 – self-care

Aaron over at www.confusingmiddle.com  shares prompts on Wednesdays to write a little something. Often, it sparks ideas, but just as often, I don’t write for these prompts. Today, the new Sunday Scribblings prompt was announced: self-care; in honour of this Sunday’s International self-care day.

For some, self-care is having a long bath, meditation and writing in their journal. For others, self-care is a quiet evening at home with a bottle of wine and no phone. Some stay in bed all day and are unavailable to the world. Other turn the music up, and sing and dance along.

For me personally, it is all of the above, depending on the initial mood.

But something else is self-care too: admitting that something is not what we wanted, and moving on; finding something else.

Today, this means something very specific for me, to walk away from the job I started in May and going back to the place I left in July 2021. My former boss got in touch and offered a position; that was last Friday. She said she had to run it past her superiors, but if I was interested, I was to sent in my CV and paperwork. I did so on Monday. Today I got the call that the job is mine and that I can start in September. Just in time for the start of the new school year. I will be actively working with kids again – I missed that, help and support their homework, organise other activities…

I admit, I am afraid to be judged when I tell people that I changed jobs 3 times in one year just get back to the start. But I also believe that some times one has to move backwards to be able to move forward.

So this week, my self-care is moving forward by moving backwards.

And now, I will write my job resignation letter. (I have no idea if that’s the right way of putting it, hehe)