Wordless

Do you know that feeling of being without words? A head full of thoughts that are unable to be voiced? As if the words are stuck in your throat and the moment you want to say them, they make no sound?

I experience this once in a while. It started yesterday and it is still there today. I cannot speak. And I also physically feel this, my tongue is stuck against the palate, my jaw is tense – as a result, my neck is tense too, which in turn affects my shoulder.

(I am known to remind people to breathe and to unclench their jaw or teeth when they are anxious – try it. It works. Most of the time.)

This state makes me seem passive-aggressive. I am not; I am just without words, and the ones I am capable of using are often short and that’s interpreted as being rude. But because this is real life, I don’t have the words to explain that I can’t speak – it’s a circle, really.

It’s a sure way of pushing people away, of making them run.

So, instead of replying to messages, I leave them on read and kind of ghost the people until I feel better. Only very few receive an instant reply when they message me anyway – but in a state like this, only the three or four very special ones of those few get my attention. Even at the risk of being perceived as rude or passive-aggressive.

I am weirder than you. Sticky emotional neediness.

Words are weapons or blankets. They can hurt or comfort.

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