Promise me to not fall in love with me. And if you do, don’t love me too much. I will be the end of you and it is not fair. No, it is not fair at all.
You see, I am kind and charming. I am understanding and funny. And I help out as much as I can – in every area of your life. I have my naughty sides and my domesticated moments. I am intelligent and caring. I am a good listener who also gives sound advice. But I can also disagree. I don’t fight, I don’t nag. I don’t claim your responsibilities. After all, you are a grown man and lived your own life before I became a part of me.
I also have trust issues and can’t deal with certain situations well. I am eccentric in all the right and wrong ways and even though I say that I love you, I am not sure I know how that feels and if I do.
We have our recurring patterns, it could be part of my ADHD or a sign of autism. (ADHD and autism often go hand in hand… I have never been officially tested for the latter, but the signs are there…) Okay, patterns. If it feels like people need me, I stay with them, even if I am uncomfortable.
You said that you don’t know me and I replied “then ask questions or listen when I want to speak” but as usual you blew it off. You are not interested and yet, you are. You are a bundle of mixed emotions and confusion.
When I was 14, I had a “boyfriend” who was 27. He begged me to be his girlfriend and when I said I needed time to think about it, he called one night and threatened to kill himself. I calmed him down and told him that I loved him and that I wanted to hold him the next day. And indeed, the next day when I saw him, I hugged and kissed him very tightly. And I felt him calm down. He’s also the man who found my first erogenous Zone, but nothing ever really happened between us – just kissing. I enjoyed his attention. He sent me letters doused in perfume and he introduced me to many of his friends. But a month later we called it quits citing our difference in age as the main reason. In the evening he got into an awful fight, ending in hospital with a couple of teeth missing and some minor hematomas and abrasions. But because of that violent outburst, I became very scared of him. He was huge and athletic. And I was tiny. For years when I saw him, I ducked away or hid or turned the other way shaking with fear. Not nice at all. The feeling went away with my next boyfriend almost two years later. One day we were walking down the street when the ex cycled behind us and made remarks about my ass. My new boyfriend laughed and turned to introduce us; they knew each other well. The ex had not recognised me from behind and he was stunned to see me. He tried to win me back… But a lot had happened to and with me during these years. I was not a kid anymore.
Anyway… All this to say, he scared me and instead of standing up for myself, I took care of him and his needs, and that’s a pattern. Not a healthy one but yeah…
Also, I need to be loved, to feel loved. But I cannot stand to be suffocated. Just don’t text me for a day, will you? I will die of longing and worry, but it would be good. I don’t understand your need of texting constantly, mornings and evenings and all the time in between if you don’t love me. I think it is not my love for you that is scaring you. I think it is your love for me that scares you shitless. You mentioned that everyone you loved turned on you. Maybe be less of an entitled asshole and people would stay with you. Or maybe not. Don’t change. Just get healthy and stop fighting with the people who love you.
I love you
You wanted me to say it and I did. You pushed me, cornered me until I said it. Because you want this to be true. But the truth is:
I love you
But I am not in love with you.
Don’t put me on a pedestal, I don’t deserve it. Don’t love me too much. I can’t handle it.
Love me, but not too much. Be attentive. Get to know me and you will realise: I am not special, I never was. I am just me. The same person I was seven years ago – well, a bit older and wiser but more or less the same anyway.
Be careful. Don’t let me break your, heart and soul
As every dear Stranger letter ever written, this is fiction but laced with a little bit about me this time. The boyfriend’s name was Fredy and he was built like a brick wall. I read his old letters today, the still smell of him. 25 years later… It inspired me. I wonder where he is right now and if he ever had his teeth fixed. Happy first of May….