Cage

When someone has the power to unlock the key to the cage that became our comfort zone,

we have to make the decision:

Do we step out and into the wild?

Or do we hide away to stay safe?

Musing

Should you forgive the pain others caused? Should you forget how they mistreated you? Is it possible to move past the hurt and the suffering? Can one live on when their entire being is devoured by panic causing demons from the past?

I don’t have a definite answer to this. All I know is that every trauma needs to be addressed for it to become smaller and smaller in size, for it to lose its importance and the control it has over us.

part 3

My words are yours. My self is yours. Tell me: how can I ever go back to the time before? Before you told me everything you knew about me – a list of things I did not even know.

I need to be myself again. But how can I be when one day without you feels so wrong that my skin crawls and my head and heart ache? How can it be? And how can I become? Me?

There is only one way: I need to leave. I need to detox. I need to get over this addiction. I need to forget. You.

3/3

part 2

I gave myself to you. I did everything your way, broke my rules and forgot my boundaries. I gave myself to you until none of me was left. I had turned into a stranger to myself.

part 1

I wrote to you until there were no words left in my fingers. My heart was overflowing, my mind was too, but my words were used up. I gave them all to you.

untitled

She knew things about him he did not know yet

He knew things about her she did not know yet

It took time to learn

It took time to be

It took time

Wordless

Do you know that feeling of being without words? A head full of thoughts that are unable to be voiced? As if the words are stuck in your throat and the moment you want to say them, they make no sound?

I experience this once in a while. It started yesterday and it is still there today. I cannot speak. And I also physically feel this, my tongue is stuck against the palate, my jaw is tense – as a result, my neck is tense too, which in turn affects my shoulder.

(I am known to remind people to breathe and to unclench their jaw or teeth when they are anxious – try it. It works. Most of the time.)

This state makes me seem passive-aggressive. I am not; I am just without words, and the ones I am capable of using are often short and that’s interpreted as being rude. But because this is real life, I don’t have the words to explain that I can’t speak – it’s a circle, really.

It’s a sure way of pushing people away, of making them run.

So, instead of replying to messages, I leave them on read and kind of ghost the people until I feel better. Only very few receive an instant reply when they message me anyway – but in a state like this, only the three or four very special ones of those few get my attention. Even at the risk of being perceived as rude or passive-aggressive.

I am weirder than you. Sticky emotional neediness.

Words are weapons or blankets. They can hurt or comfort.

Be kind!

People are very weird, even more so on the internet.

Just a couple of days ago, a band I used to follow on every platform, a band that disbanded in 2020, posted a statement that one of their members made a suicide attempt. The statement shared all kinds of very personal information about mental illnesses and it also addresses rumours that have been floating around for years, about said musician.

I am, of course, talking about Anathema and Daniel Cavanagh.

Anathema’s statement on Facebook (I hope the link works, I don’t use FB, I deactivated my account a while ago)

I was indeed shocked to read the statement, because I was heavily influenced by this band during my formative years. Even now, when I need something comforting, I go back to this band’s music, and I am looking forward to the new project that has been announced a while ago – Weather Systems. Now, I am not a die-hard fan, I am not one who reads rumours or reads comments on posts, but this time, I did. And I shouldn’t have.

Instead of showing compassion though, there are comments (on Instagram) wondering if the statement is even true or if it is a way of extorting more money from fans – Mr Cavanagh, through a fan of the band, was/is asking fans to donate money to a Go Fund Me campaign to be able to record a new album of his new project – Weather Systems.

Where is all this hate coming from? And why is it directed towards a literal stranger? A man who is on his knees as it is.

There are also the comments telling that they love him and how much he influenced them. Nice ones. But they don’t stick out as much.

I wonder… If I were a musician who was suffering through all this, and decided that it is time to step forward, to strip my soul bare; if I read those comments, the nice ones would certainly give me a lift, but the negative ones, I think they would send me down a downward spiral.

What is happening in this world that people can’t show a little respect, compassion, and empathy towards a man who felt so wrong on this earth that he wanted to erase his existence?

I cannot understand this. Not one bit. It makes me lose faith in humanity.

Be kind. Be gentle. And don’t judge without knowing the facts. Everyone is fighting a battle, even if we can’t see it.

To Dan, I wish lots of strength, love, and patience. The world is a better place with you in it. 💜✨💜

Listen to CATHEDRAL by Weather Systems on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/4TYve

Goodbye dear Stranger

I loved you with all my heart, but now I am beginning to let you go. I have to. You need to be rid of me to become the man I can see in you. I was protecting you, admiring you. I got you. I understood and encouraged you.
But now I have to go.
This, the distance that is growing between us with every breath we cannot share; it is killing us.
Slowly. Tormenting.
Until we are ashes and dust.
Lost in the dark.
Unimportant remains of a better time.
You will not find another me. I don’t exist twice. Maybe that is just as good. For you. And for me.
I would have given you everything. But you were too afraid to let it happen. Too hurt by the past to allow me to love you with all my heart.