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I can see forever in your eyes
It is not what I deserve
I am lost in truth and hurt; but
I can still recognise beauty in this world, though
I am not capable to understand any of this
I just want a piece of peace
I wish there was forever in my eyes
It is what we deserve; but
Your love is my demise.

Falling in and out of dreams


The moon is trying to find a way into my dreams
It paints white shadows onto my naked skin
I am terrified of falling down a hole in my sleep
But you are there to breathe new light into me
I whisper "please don't let me go" against your neck
"Never," you reply;
One simple word that grows inside my soul
Awakening a mysterious feeling of being found.
Profound!


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You kiss the back of my knees
Before you bite my shoulder and
lick your way up my spine
"I'll keep you. You are now mine"
I feel the words against my ear.
Deep inside, I feel complete.
You grab my hands;
Your skin is touching mine from within
Together as one. Just you and me.
As perfect as a moment could be.
We are lazy lovers in the morning sun.

where did all the colours go?

The beam of light had slowly disappeared from her eyes
And everything she saw became black and white.
In a world that transpired into grey and cold loneliness,
She scraped the dirt off stones to find some colour.
There was a memory of it hidden in the back of her mind
A distant recollection of emotions that were less depressing.
She looked at the pale moon hung in the night sky;
A monochrome scenery made up of hope and dreams.
Forgotten nightmares were unable to frighten her
And so, she moved on, inviting new hues into her life.

Another stolen night

I woke up from the quiet surrounding me. There was no sound but the blood pounding in my ears and the wind rustling the trees, audible through the opened window. The crisp night’s air felt good on my naked skin. But there was something that wasn’t right. A feeling inside that made my heart feel raw and fragile and my thoughts heavy as lead. I couldn’t close my eyes and I couldn’t think. I just existed. I was. For a moment, I just was. Awake while the world was asleep; that too, I was. I played on my phone for a bit. Mindless. Until one hour was over. Stolen time. I scrolled social media. I didn’t engage and nothing captured my attention. More stolen time. I noticed the bright moonlight and how beautiful it was. It left shadows on my ceiling. Not eerie. Peaceful. I pushed the phone away to try and sleep. But my shoulder hurt and my husband snored. I felt the frustration growing and I knew that if I didn’t get my mood to turn around, I would soon have to get up, and I would face another wasted day. A full night of sleep is rare for me, I am never rested or refreshed. Why? And what’s that sound? In the distance I heard a donkey calling out and birds were beginning to wake up. I had been awake for almost two hours by now. Wasted time. No sleep. My eyes were heavy and my mind was too. If only, if only I knew how to rest my mind. But the longer I stayed awake the more agitated I became. Until it took determination and effort to empty my mind. I had to try and force it into a calm nothingness. Of course I failed, or you would not read these words. It’s after 4 am in the morning. Maybe the morning birds will sing me to sleep and allow me another couple of hours to restore my sanity. Maybe.

This sad heart woke me up Tears on my pillow And a mind that tries to find shelter in your arms But you are not there You dreamt yourself away and you are peacefully sleeping somewhere only you know.

Every day dangers

Possibly triggering

As most know, I self-harm(ed). I cut my skin. Mostly in times when I am completely overwhelmed with life and my skin becomes too tight. As an adult, it doesn’t happen often anymore. I have my coping mechanisms. But as attentive readers, you also know that they don’t always work.

Anyway…

This morning I was busy in the kitchen, preparing tomorrow’s dessert. I was chopping and cutting and then it happened, I cut my finger. It hurt like a bitch (language Cathy!!) and I cursed like a sailor. It bled down my arm and all… You can paint the picture (red should be a dominant colour here…).

I did everything one does with a cut finger. (Including putting a band aid on it.) And while I continued my work, the band aid got soaked and the finger throbbed, I wondered:

As someone who self-harm(ed), why does cutting your finger hurt much more than putting a blade against your skin? It was just a fleeting questing in my mind.

But it came back when I sat down to take a coffee break. And of course, I am an intelligent woman (yes, I am), of course, I know the answer. It’s about hormones, anticipation, and all that.

Okay… So while I am writing this, I realise that I forgot what I initially wanted to say with this post. And maybe it is just one of those “nothingness” posts that often leave my fingers.

For those interested, I am still more or less in a good mood. I still feel relieved about the change of jobs. But I also did something stupid and potentially harming for my best friend. I don’t know. I tried being a friend, but it could be that I made it all worse. And that, my dear readers, is why I don’t make friends. Also, my trust issues and abandonment issues make it hard too…

Stop

Stop

Stop…

This is going the wrong way… I will not beat myself up today about things that happened yesterday.

Enjoy this Saturday…

3 times me

So… Here are 3 pics of me… All taken during the last week. Can you spot the day when I quit my job? Also, one selfie was taken today. Hm… Me me me… Quite egocentric, I admit and acknowledge.

Curiously, I straightened my hair often this week. My hair is naturally curly. But whenever I wear it like that, I get stupid comments “did you put your fingers in a power socket?” “Did you walk through a hedge?” Stupid stuff like that and it makes me self-conscious. I like my curls, but there are not many pics of me showing them off.

Anyway… I haven’t smiled like that in a while and felt it genuinely inside.

Now… I need to find a way to get more than 5 hours of sleep each night…

My evening was filled with music and a film (the whole nine yards with Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry) Nice and peaceful. For once.

At the same time, people I like are hitting rock bottom and I don’t know how to catch them. I don’t know how to be there for them and how to show them that I care. It is really hard…

The moon is shining brightly through the blinds. My back hurts, and my daughter is back home after a week with her adopted grands-parents.

Everything will be okay