What’s wrong?

Trigger warning

Why I am writing this? I am looking at the screen in my hand with a scream in my head. Something is very wrong in me. Something was triggered so much so that I lost control.

I have a history of self-harm; of marking myself. I don’t know what happened and what triggered the need to do this, but it was stronger than my rational mind. And as I said, I lost control.

The last time before this time I put a blade against my skin was in December 2020. I remember it well. And I remember the reason too.

The last time I put a knife against my wrist was three days ago. My mind seems to reside in a dark place. I function all the time. My mask is in place. I laugh and joke and hey “you laugh and you work, you can’t be that bad” But I am.

I want to sleep all day and not wake up. I am not suicidal, I am just tired. I am overflowing with emotions I don’t understand. I want to speak to people and scream for help, but they don’t seem to understand. And the ones who understand are the ones who are struggling way worse than I am. Or differently. And yet, when I unloaded on them, they took control and told me how to be and what to do. They sent me links with meditation techniques that work for them. And they told me that they love me.

I couldn’t tell them that I cut myself. I am too ashamed, to embarrassed to tell the truth. Even more so because a week ago we laughed together when I said that considering my biography “I turned out quite almost normal ” and he replied “with all due respect, babe, you are many things, but you are not normal, luv”. We laughed because it is true.

But that was last week and this is now. What else needs to happen? How much lower can I fall. And how can I get out of this is, if everywhere I ask for help, I am told that vitamin D and some sun is all I need. I am not taken seriously.

Because I laugh and I work. Internally, I am torn. Crying, screaming. It’s not that I don’t want to be alive, I just want to live with less pain. I want to be free of the past. I want to be loved and – yes. I just want to feel loved.

Instead, I feel like a failure. I don’t sell books, I am about to quit a job I have not even worked at for a year. I keep away from my family and friends – pft, I don’t have any of those. I have online acquaintances and 3 people I consider friends – people I confide in.

Writing this – is probably not good. Sharing it is worse. I am afraid people are going to think that I am asking for attention. After all, I did say that I would not blog anymore. And I did not add anything for about a month. But – somehow this place is important to me. The people here are important.

And if you allow me to vomit my mind’s overload onto your screens – I mean, you don’t need to read any of this at all, but yeah… I will probably continue to bare myself here.

I used to be a good writer. Eloquent with a grasp of the human emotions. Now, everything feels cold and distant. And I guess that’s because I feel distant from myself.

If I could separate me from myself I’d stay away from me. (ASHES dIVIDE – too late)

Goodnight, sweet friends. The only way is up. But hell, the times are rough, I am raw and fragile and vulnerable and feel abject loneliness about it. When will this struggling stop?

9 thoughts on “What’s wrong?

  1. It was very difficult to ‘like’ this post Cathy. It pains me to see you suffering so deeply, and as someone who also suffers from depression, anxiety and self-doubt, I really feel for you. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your turmoil and pain. Do you husband or children know you’ve cut yourself?

    It may be a trite question, but have you sought professional help from a therapist or counselor recently? It couldn’t hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, he doesn’t know. I told him that I feel very bad and raw. He did not understand it.
      As for the other question: no. I couldn’t get myself to make an appointment.

      Like

  2. I’m glad you feel comfortable spilling your heart here. We all need to let things out sometimes. WP has always been a safe haven for me. I hope you know you’re loved and supported by many of us here, including me. I’ve still not finished reading your book, but I promise to soon. Hugs… ❤️xo

    Liked by 1 person

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