I thought about this letter for a long time. Does it need to be written? Is it obsolete? The truth is, I think this will be the last letter because you are not a stranger anymore. And I could write so many things to you and about you now, but I won’t. There is no need, and most things just matter for a moment anyway. So much has changed in only a few short months – I know, I mentioned change before, but this time, everything is different.
I thought I understood what you were going through, but I did not. I had no idea about your struggles and how they impact every part of your life. I had not even scratched the surface of your demon-iceberg.
In recent months, you opened up to me in a very honest and fragile way, all while putting me in my place too when I became too needy or too demanding when I asked questions that weren’t mine to ask.
It became clear that there can’t be anything romantic between us. We would be perfect together, but right now, it is impossible. And that is okay. You need to heal first, and I have a lot of work to do too. It became clear when we started to talk about therapy sessions. Months ago, when you were very low and told me we could not be in touch anymore because I was too tempting for you, you insisted that we could not be friends, not with our history, and yet… it seems as if we cannot be without each other. Time and time again, you got in touch again to ask for support. And in the end, without consciously trying to establish it, a bond was formed between us. It’s a bond not many will understand, and they don’t have to. It is very layered and laced with memories and mutual care. We know exactly what we are. At one point, you were concerned about sending mixed signals, but the truth is: I am not confused. Not anymore. I know who I am, and I know who you are. I am one of the very few who know every truth about you. And I did not run. I don’t know why I did not turn my back on you as many did. I just didn’t. I couldn’t.
As I am beginning to question my motives; the why’s and how’s, I wonder if I wanted more of you for myself than I knew. But honestly, I don’t know. I just wasn’t ready to give up on you. And I will never give up on you. I see you, dear Stranger.
You deserve people in your corner who support you unconditionally, who give you room when you need it, and who take care of you when you can’t.
What bothers me though is the reason why you are in my corner right now. For the same reasons I mentioned? Do you feel like you have to? Do you feel trapped or guilty? Are you scared and afraid that I could betray you and share your secrets if you walk away? I gave you money. Lots of money; almost 800euros in 8 weeks. Don’t worry, I will not ask for anything of it back. I know money is tight for you and I know that your financial management is not the best. But I definitely cannot afford to keep giving you that much money every month. Also, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth: do you keep me around because I offered to help out financially? No. I want to believe that there is more. After all, there are goodnight texts and good morning texts too. There are the I can’t sleep texts and the I just meditated ones. All these moments did not exist three months ago. And now they do. No, dear Stranger. You are not a stranger anymore. I don’t need to write any letters to you anymore. Because now we talk. We found our voice and nothing is off-limits. But there are boundaries.
Dear Stranger, I will never stop loving you in my unique way. I promised you many things and I intend to keep every one of those promises.
Goodbye, and hello.