What’s in a picture? A stream of consciousness.

Sometimes, I see life differently. There is beauty in the mundane and there is magic in the things we see daily. I took the above picture without being aware of it. In fact, this is only a tiny part of a larger photo, but this small part is so much more expressive than the rest of the picture is.

Every day on my way from work back home, I have to stop at the same red lights before entering a roundabout. That day, it was raining and as I was waiting, I took a photo of the street signs to send to my son. I did not send the picture because the light turned to green. I drove home and did everything a mom does when she comes home after a ten-hour shift. In the evening, I scrolled through my phone and looked at the photo, and I noticed the reflection on the right end. I zoomed in, cropped it, added a little bit of contrast, and was in awe of this little piece of magic. You can see the rain on the pavement – a puddle, and the wind moving it. (or aftermath of a car driving through it.) You can see the lights turning from red to orange… And the reflection of a couple of posts. That’s all there is to see. And after this explanation, there is not much magic left.

I had no intention of posting this photo on the blog because it is on IG (micqu_1), but this morning I had a conversation with an online friend who was unable to sleep. I wanted to entertain him. Little did I know that by the end of the day his blog would gone. It leaves me sad and I am wondering what I did wrong, because that is how my mind works: he is gone – must have something to do with me. It sounds conceited, but I cannot see any fault in my behaviour. Maybe that makes it all worse. His last message was that he hopes he helped me in some way. But the truth is, I did not ask for his help and I did not need it either. I know, that is hurtful too – it sounds as if I did not need said friend; but those are two different things, in my book. I don’t want or need anyone to save me. I don’t want or need anyone’s help – except if I explicitly ask for it. And that – as you all know – is something I rarely do. What I crave however, what I need, is people to be silly with, to take the weight off my shoulder for a moment or two.

I am not weak, I never was. I am not strong, I never was. But I get lonely and needy sometimes – quite often. So much so that I even invited an almost stranger for Christmas – he declined (sadly), but it is all good. My neediness is not about being saved, it is about being seen and about approval. It is about being liked with the walls I built for myself, and without them. It is about being liked despite the ugliness I carry in my soul. It is about being liked with my nerdiness, my flirty side, my intelligence, my clumsiness and my absolutely inappropriate sense of humour. I am not looking to save or fix anyone, but if I can help in any way – by listening, laughing, sharing music, writings or whatever comes to mind – even money in a special case, then I will do that. I am not a very open person, in fact, quite a few people think that I am distant and unapproachable. It is not true, I am just very careful and don’t easily trust for fear of being judged. But we judge and are judged all the time.

I am thinking a lot about roots these days. I don’t feel as if I have roots. I have a family – both parents are still alive, but they are strangers. I would never rely on them. Never. I never could rely on them as a kid or teenager, and now I don’t have to. But I feel rootless. There is no family, and yet there is. I mean, it’s my (half)sister’s birthday next Sunday and I am invited, but there will mostly be family from her mother’s side, not from our dad’s. And that is okay. It really is. But it will show me again, that she has a set of roots I will never have. I have my kids though, and I am painfully aware that I am their safety net.

How did I go from explaining about a photo I randomly took to stripping some of my soul? I don’t know. It’s not the music I am listening to, and definitely not the online meeting I suffered through this afternoon. No, maybe it is indeed that my mood is shifting.

With you in my life, I don’t go under.

4 thoughts on “What’s in a picture? A stream of consciousness.

  1. That’s rather odd that an online friend you were earlier conversing with would later delete his blog. It is curious as to what may have prompted that. This sentence you wrote: “My neediness is not about being saved, it is about being seen and about approval” struck a nerve with me. I think that’s something everyone wants in life, whether they’re conscious about it or not, and it’s especially true for bloggers, otherwise, why would we write stuff and put it out there for others to see? The worse thing of all is indifference, a feeling of being ignored.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. absolutely right. Rejection and abandonment are the worst things in life. In the end, we all just want to be loved.
      Those of us who write and put it out for everyone to see are creative exhibitionists… And we are starving for love too. 💜
      I see you,Jeff and I love what I see.

      Liked by 1 person

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