Sometimes, I see life differently. There is beauty in the mundane and there is magic in the things we see daily. I took the above picture without being aware of it. In fact, this is only a tiny part of a larger photo, but this small part is so much more expressive than the rest of the picture is.
Every day on my way from work back home, I have to stop at the same red lights before entering a roundabout. That day, it was raining and as I was waiting, I took a photo of the street signs to send to my son. I did not send the picture because the light turned to green. I drove home and did everything a mom does when she comes home after a ten-hour shift. In the evening, I scrolled through my phone and looked at the photo, and I noticed the reflection on the right end. I zoomed in, cropped it, added a little bit of contrast, and was in awe of this little piece of magic. You can see the rain on the pavement – a puddle, and the wind moving it. (or aftermath of a car driving through it.) You can see the lights turning from red to orange… And the reflection of a couple of posts. That’s all there is to see. And after this explanation, there is not much magic left.
I had no intention of posting this photo on the blog because it is on IG (micqu_1), but this morning I had a conversation with an online friend who was unable to sleep. I wanted to entertain him. Little did I know that by the end of the day his blog would gone. It leaves me sad and I am wondering what I did wrong, because that is how my mind works: he is gone – must have something to do with me. It sounds conceited, but I cannot see any fault in my behaviour. Maybe that makes it all worse. His last message was that he hopes he helped me in some way. But the truth is, I did not ask for his help and I did not need it either. I know, that is hurtful too – it sounds as if I did not need said friend; but those are two different things, in my book. I don’t want or need anyone to save me. I don’t want or need anyone’s help – except if I explicitly ask for it. And that – as you all know – is something I rarely do. What I crave however, what I need, is people to be silly with, to take the weight off my shoulder for a moment or two.
I am not weak, I never was. I am not strong, I never was. But I get lonely and needy sometimes – quite often. So much so that I even invited an almost stranger for Christmas – he declined (sadly), but it is all good. My neediness is not about being saved, it is about being seen and about approval. It is about being liked with the walls I built for myself, and without them. It is about being liked despite the ugliness I carry in my soul. It is about being liked with my nerdiness, my flirty side, my intelligence, my clumsiness and my absolutely inappropriate sense of humour. I am not looking to save or fix anyone, but if I can help in any way – by listening, laughing, sharing music, writings or whatever comes to mind – even money in a special case, then I will do that. I am not a very open person, in fact, quite a few people think that I am distant and unapproachable. It is not true, I am just very careful and don’t easily trust for fear of being judged. But we judge and are judged all the time.
I am thinking a lot about roots these days. I don’t feel as if I have roots. I have a family – both parents are still alive, but they are strangers. I would never rely on them. Never. I never could rely on them as a kid or teenager, and now I don’t have to. But I feel rootless. There is no family, and yet there is. I mean, it’s my (half)sister’s birthday next Sunday and I am invited, but there will mostly be family from her mother’s side, not from our dad’s. And that is okay. It really is. But it will show me again, that she has a set of roots I will never have. I have my kids though, and I am painfully aware that I am their safety net.
How did I go from explaining about a photo I randomly took to stripping some of my soul? I don’t know. It’s not the music I am listening to, and definitely not the online meeting I suffered through this afternoon. No, maybe it is indeed that my mood is shifting.
With you in my life, I don’t go under.