I don’t have a style. I wear what I like. Unapologetically. I read what I want. I listen to the music I love, and I share the pictures I am comfortable with. Yesterday, I posted a picture of me with a bit of a rant text. I am sorry about that. I meant the words… I don’t understand why people look at me and see someone sensual or mysterious. I don’t see myself that way. I don’t see that person in the mirror. I see my flaws and the things inside no one sees.
I took yesterday’s post down again, but here is the picture… And another to go along.


So, there you go. Yesterday I wore fake leather pants, my boots, a silver very special ring and my watch. I hadn’t worn that ring in a long time, but I owned it for 22 years now. And well… That yellow watch… I love it. Since I mostly wear black, it always stands out.
โค๏ธ๐๐๐งก๐ค๐๐ค๐ค๐
Pearl Jam – alive. From their debut album “ten”. An absolute classic.
I know Iโm a pain in the butt..
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What are you talking about? There is nothing to see here… No comments and such. ๐๐
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๐
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See? I am not the same and you have changed and yet… We still understand each other.
This here, this is the safe space I meant.
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How have you changed?
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I am just me in every stage of existence. But apparently, my job changed me. And honestly, Oktober was a rollercoaster month, but which month is not?
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Iโm sorry
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Nah, that’s just me. And I will continue to bd.
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If I were a woman and I looked like you I wouldnโt be offended.
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I am not goodlooking. And I am not sexy. I don’t understand why people see that in me. But I am not offended. You know, it is just a picture. With my face on it.
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Even I think Iโm ughโฆ
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Maybe, when we look at our reflections in the mirror, we look too much at our flaws and not enough on our beauty?
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I never turned headsโฆ I was always the white noise. Iโm surprised I have the wife I have.
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I don’t think I ever turned heads, but i could be wrong. I have special eyes, that much I know.
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I think youโre lost in your head.
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That could be true.
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Take that as constructive criticism from a friend who is telling you what they observe.
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I do. Thanks.
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Youโre welcome.
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๐
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Soโฆ.. good night? John go away?
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Almost goodnight. I am very tired. Exhausted really.
Sometimes I really want to know what others see in me, how they would describe me. Very mememememe.
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Iโve tried.
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I know. But I am selfish and greedy and I want more.
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Okโฆ
Youโre an awesome person Cat. And I donโt mean for that to sound cliche. You really are. Iโve never got a friend so quick and so close on here before you. Youโre talented. You care. Youโre helpful. You donโt think so but youโre enough!
Physically.. short thick brunette I can definitely tell why some guys have a thing for you. Youโre more than you think! And itโs obvious because men have problemsโฆ stemming from your attractiveness.
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Thank you John.
I am glad we connected here and that you took a chance. And I am happy that you cannot stay away, because I missed this. Not the misunderstandings or the almost arguing, but the banter and the support we both offer freely and plentiful.
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What chance am I taking?
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When you first started commenting… You took a chance.
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I thought I was talking to a very creative and talented probably 20 something year old American girl. I was wrong but not disappointed.
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So wrong… But I am glad you were not disappointed. I would not want to be young again. I like being 38. And yes, I think it is quite clear that I am European. Maybe it’s clichรฉ, but I think we are more open over here and less judgmental. But maybe that’s just me.
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People of all races have told me to go ๐
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Lol… No Luxembourger ever did.
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Got told today that I was aggravating ๐
2 Indian woman kindly told me I was too weird for them.
Most never say anything they just like the comment and move on.
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Ah well, stick with the ones who stay and are kind.
You made yourself vulnerable with your post. Many people have no idea how to react to that.
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Thatโs really apparent!
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Are there people who you thought would react differently? (I hope my reaction was expected! ๐)
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I mean itโs not a fun post. Sex is an awkward topic. I get it. And yeah who wants to read about some guys porn addiction? But itโs what Iโve done itโs a part of my life. I hate it! It affected me.
Thereโs few likes and comments. I know itโs not a great conversation piece.. but I thought a few would have been a little more supportive.
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I understand what you are saying.
As I mentioned in my comment: to understand addiction one has to be educated (informed) and empathetic. Both is not easy. My best friend is a recovering addict too, and to say that I underestimated the implications of it would be an understatement.
I think, you post was well worded and well though out. You combined two parts of you – the addict that will never leave, no matter how hard you try, but also what saved you. In my book that post was very helpful. And I am very sure that in the future some random strangers will read it and learn a lesson from it, or feel understood. And that is a gift.
Your support is there, and more will come.
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The way I see it. Iโm healed. Iโm free from it. It just tries to fight itโs way back in. But I wonโt let it return.
As far as peopleโs reactions, youโre either a garrison soldier or a combat soldier. Youโll stay with me or run. I can only imagine what people would think if I posted about my pantyhose wearing days. I would actually like to. But itโll be a while.
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Writing about yourself is healing too… And it helps to understand yourself differently, at least that is my experience.
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Your weirdness is understandable. At least to me. Iโm sure there are deep layers of weird and all sorts of stuffโฆ but Iโm at the surface.
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I am like an onion. Many layers and some make cry.
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Dear John, it is that time of the day when I tell you that I will go to bed now.
Big big hugs, my friend. Sleep tight… And remember I have your back. xx
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Good night!
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Goodnight ๐
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