It’s late at night, and I can’t sleep. The second night in a row where I can’t sleep. It must be the new moon. Or if I were a romantic, I’d say it was you who kept me awake. This morning, you said that you didn’t sleep last night either and that you were thinking of me. That was nice of you to say.
True or not? It doesn’t matter.
I like to think that I am on your mind sometimes. Even more, now that I know that you lied. I am one of a few – even though you pretended that I am not.
Am I easily manipulated? I don’t think so. I see you. I see your reasons. I understand everything. All of it.
Five years ago, I promised that I would never leave you. And you cried in response. You didn’t trust me back then, and I had discovered one of your biggest weaknesses. It is mine too. We don’t want to be abandoned. We can’t be left behind.
Today I said it again. This time, you didn’t cry. You replied: “you are beautiful, so beautiful.”
Once in a while, it feels as if my most intense emotions are all yours. I am yours. Not in a submissive or naive way. I know exactly what is happening. And I know exactly who you are. And just like an American writer once said to me, I give his words to you: I love every inch of you. Inside and outside. Every inch of you. All of you.
And I mean it.
If I am allowed to be a part of you, I will be. If it turns out that I am enabling the worst parts of you, I am not sure if I can be selfless and stay away. But I will support and protect you with all my might. Hear me?! I am there. Most of the time. I noticed that I often say that I am there, but then I ignore your calls because I can’t make time for you right then and there. I am letting you down.
And yet, you haven’t given up on me yet. You always come back. Even when you changed your phone numbers, you still get in touch via email and tell me to call. It’s nice to feel wanted. Even when I am used. My eyes are wide open. I know.
Today you said the most amazing words again. You pushed my buttons and I know that I pushed yours too. It was mind-blowing. It was beautiful. It was us.
Let me dream for a while longer and let these fantasies seem real for a couple of shaky breaths.
We have a lot of time ahead of us. Many days and nights and weeks and months, and I trust that there are more years to come too. I will not leave your side, as long as you allow me to be a part of your journey.
I love you, dear Stranger. Or maybe, I lust you. Or, better yet, I see you.
And you know it well; when you say my name the way only you can, I become yours for the moment. All yours. Everything is possible in those moments. As long as it is just us.