That title, though, right? I consider myself as being a kind person, showing empathy towards every person I meet online or face to face. I try understanding reasons for behaviours and, true if I like someone, I make up excuses for their ill behaviours too. I am respectful of limits and boundaries. And I am convinced these things help with the quality of my work too.
When I am asked to keep a secret, I do. When someone tells me they don’t want to talk, well, then I don’t push. Not because I don’t care, but because I care. When a friend asks for advice, a shoulder to lean on, then I am there. And when they need space to deal with their own personal lives, then I allow that space.
To be honest, I thought that was called kindness and respect. But as I was taught some hours ago, it makes me seem like a fake and aloof.
I am flabbergasted, to say the least. And ever since I was called the above by a woman who I consider a very good friend, in an email that came out of the blue last night, I keep questioning myself. Did I not ask about her? Did I talk too much about myself? Is sharing information (‘I had my surgery and am recovering well’) the same as using someone as an emotional dumpster?
Am I too selfish and egomaniac to have friends? Am I a narcissist? A user? An emotional vampire? Am I that socially awkward?
See, I am not one who easily trusts others. I don’t pour my heart out all the time, and I try dealing with all my issues without burdening anyone. I am one of those who replies “tired” when I am asked how I am, and am not well.
I don’t have many friends. The ones I have, I cherish them and love them with all my might. But even those friends rarely get to see the whole picture of me. Is that something that makes me fake? Because if it is, it is completely unintentional. I am often holding back because my views are peculiar and not always mainstream, and I am scared to be judged and rejected.
Since 2014/2015, my life changed a lot. I changed a lot. Back then, I had more friends than I do now. I seem to alienate them one by one with who I am.
I always considered myself to be a kind person. Maybe I am not. Maybe I am just fake and selfish.
Words cut deeper than knives. My fragile mind turns in circles, and I am falling into a self-punishing hole.