As I walked down memory lane this afternoon, my chest constricted, and tears flowed freely. It was as if my mind was breaking up with you. I went over everything that happened in these last five years. Some things came back to me; almost forgotten words hit me with such force that I forgot to breathe.
I cannot go on anymore. Not like this. Not when whatever we have is entirely and exclusively orchestrated by you. I don’t have a say in this. And it fucking kills me. How can someone so emotional in his art be so cold toward other people in reality? Don’t you care at all about other people? Do you flee into this fantasy world where I worship you and snap out of it as soon as you caught your breath and cleaned the cum from your stomach?
A while ago, I thought that there was a shift in our relation, but as so often, the shift was followed by rejection and silence. We were real intimate. At least for a moment. And I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was something like a friendship between us. But I am just a stranger, and when things get real or when you feel too seen, too understood, you cut me off. What is it about you? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I just say “fuck it” and ignore you the way you ignore me? Why? What is this about? I don’t want to save or change you. I will not nag. I will just slowly retreat, because that is what I do.
There is a big hole in my soul, and some days you just kiss it, and all is good. Other days, your silence makes the hole grow until it almost devours me. And still, I hold your secrets safe.
I cannot stop crying, mourning. I cannot do this anymore, Stranger. I just can’t. Sometimes, it feels as if I can feel you in me. And I see you standing there, afraid and filled with fear. And yet… I am here. I don’t know how many women left you during our five years (or how many you ghosted), but I am still here. And that, dear Stranger, counts for something too. Maybe it just shows how stupid and blind I am when it comes to you.
I remember my promises to you. I will keep them until the day my last tear falls, and my last breath leaves my body.
If I could just stop myself from feeling anything. If I could be numb. But I am not.
This is fucking insane. But I miss you.