Dream a little dream (or two or three)

It’s you. The man in front of my door. I am perplexed. How? Why? Why are you here? I see the guitar leaning against the wall and a bag is next to your feet. You see me. I know it, but my hands can’t seem to find the handle to let you in. And the moment they do, I take a step back, unable to speak and to understand that it is you. Here. In my home. You don’t belong here. But you fit so well.

🍃

I recognise you from afar. The dreadlocks, the way you carry yourself, the smile. It’s all you. The man I met online. The man I fell in love with solely by sharing text messages and speaking on the phone. And now I am there to meet you. A bit off to the side, I recognise your brother with a beautiful woman holding his hand. They are carefully observing the scene. I don’t know how to greet you. But I can’t stop smiling. The moment the tips of my Converse touch yours, I feel a weight drop off my chest. I see your pale green eyes for the first time, and I kiss you. There is no other way. We take the bus to your home so that I can drop off my luggage. I take your hand, exploring your fingers. Speaking with you is natural. There is a flow and an ease. It carries into my subconsciousness. Behind us, your brother and girlfriend are judging us, speaking in French. They don’t know that I understand every single word they say. But it is okay. They are saying nice things, mostly.

🍃

Pregnant, and you are not there. You are travelling the world for your job, salvaging your career and your legacy. And I am pregnant. It’s a boy. I decided to call him Aiden. You are over the moon to have a son, and yet, you can’t be with me. We cannot be a couple, not even for the kid. You need to leave. And I am trying to convince you that it is okay.

🍃

Dream a little dream. (or two, or three)

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And there it was, the light feeling I had been waiting for. I was laced with dread, as always. My trusted companion – the pain in my shoulder was very severe this morning. So much so that I had to take a painkiller. The first in three days. After that, I went back to bed and slept. I slept until noon. And I am not ashamed to admit it, not after a night that was filled with tossing and turning and vivid dreams. One particular dream stayed in my mind. A good one, don’t worry.

I took a bath and shaved my legs. Don’t be weirded out; these are huge accomplishments two weeks after surgery of the right shoulder. And it made me feel good.

And then I received an email. Out of the blue. I am not allowed to talk about it yet, but if all goes according to plan, I will take a huge step forward in my personal life.

Physiotherapy was something I was not looking forward to today. After this morning’s pain, I was scared. But, the mobility of my arm and shoulder is slowly returning, and I even had some active treatment. You don’t know how heavy your arm is until your tendon is busted and a part of your acromial bone had to be taken away. But I did it. Very well, even. And it made me feel like a million bucks. Or more.

And as today is piano day, I listened to lots of piano music. So beautiful and emotive. And I will not even try to deny that I shed a tear or three or more. No, I am an emotional person. At least on the inside. I don’t like to show it in real life.

The parts of me that you see here and that you get to read about here are parts that I keep to myself in my daily life. I am not outspoken. I am not someone who shares successes and failures with others. Not until I worked them out and worked them over in my mind. But that’s just a tiny part of me.

I am quite lonely in my recovery, and it is hard work to stay afloat, not to let the negativity claim me – the way it so often does. No, right now, I am fighting. And I will win. And so, I decided to keep this positive feeling hostage.

It doesn’t really matter, but everything will be okay.

Monday Song

Today is piano day and there are so many songs and artists to choose from.

I chose an older song:

Ólafur Arnalds – 3704 / 3837

From the album “Eulogy for Evolution 2017” (2017)

This album was originally released in 2007 but Ólafur reworked and remastered the songs he had written as a teenager. Nils Frahm mixed the new and remastered version. It is still a masterpiece and sounds just wonderful on vinyl.

Happy Monday everyone.

A melancholic day…

…draws to a close. The mind, the mood – it wasn’t brightened by the sun caressing my skin or the wind playing with my hair. Preoccupied with the all too familiar pain, I listened to my body and bathed in the hurt. It’s one step forward and two steps back. Progress that fades too quickly and turns a small success into a large nothing. Today’s level of pain was a 7. And it was frustrating. Now I am here, in my bed. I am listening to some music. An eclectic mix. As always.

Ólafur Arnalds (feat JFDR) – back to the sky

From the album “Some Kind of Peace” (2020)

🎶

Sivert Høyem – free as a bird/chained to the sky

From the album “Endless Love” (2014)

🎶

Agent Fresco – bemoan

From the album “Destrier” (2015)

🎶

Sólstafir – Fjara

From the album “Svartir Sandar (2012)

🎶

Petter Carlsen – I love the way you see the world

From the album “The sum of every shade” (2020)

🎶

Fun fact: all of these artists are either from Iceland or from Norway. Something I only noticed now. Five very different songs and artists. Maybe you’ll like one or two or all.

Goodnight dear friends.

This I promise you

And so, I promise to you, I will be there for as long as you need me. Time and time again.

And I will care about you until I took my last breath, until my soul leaves my body. I will protect you with all my might.

You see, I am not blind. I see you and I understand what is happening. My worry for you is real. And I will support your fight to get things right.

To thy heart, I promise this: I will not leave. I will be there.

❤💜❤💜

My Saturday Song

Depeche Mode – somebody

I shared this one countless times before. It’s just one of those songs that gets to me when I am in a certain mood.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be alright. With the right somebody.

Isn’t that one of my special cryptic sentences?! I seem to be doing that a lot.

I hope everyone is well. xx

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It’s close to midnight, I am ready to sleep, but something is keeping me awake. No pain, no longing. No. It’s birds tweeting outside. I would ask them to sing me to sleep, but I am convinced that they don’t know any lullabies.

What’s new?

Weird that tiny cuts like that can change a life. But yeah… It’s rather unspectacular to look at, almost disappointing 😂

So yes, the bandages came off today. The skin is still red and swollen, and the cut that opened a couple of times is a little wider and redder than the other two, but absolutely okay. I feel naked and fragile, but I am sure that I will be used to it by tomorrow.

I am happy to know that there is progress. But as my physio said today, I am making good progress but need to stay patient. Overdoing it could ruin every progress.

Stay calm and carry on. As you suspected, I will keep you in the loop.

Thank you for everything.

By the way, as of this week, the most viewed post on this blog is this one: https://wp.me/p2ZT5k-3Xt I am not entirely sure why, but it is okay. It is a passionate post with many great songs. xx