nightmare

That dream again. I am at work sitting on the floor with the babies, playing. My phone rings. I often don’t take your calls; you know that. But this time, I am in a good mood. I just want to tell you to call later. I take the call while I walk outside of our little space. But it is not your voice that’s asking for me. It is your brother. I am confused at first, trying to understand how and why he is calling when you always said that I am your best-kept secret. “He passed away,” your brother says, and I nod as if he was seeing me. “We will issue a statement today, but I thought you should know. He talked about you. He loved you.” I nod again, say thank you, and drop my phone. It just slides out of my hand. I drop to my knees too. There is no sound. No strength, just tears and an unbearable pain that breaks my heart. My colleagues are concerned; they don’t know my emotional side, not like this. And I can’t speak. I just whisper your name. I wake up with a racing heart. There is no missed call. There is no statement on Facebook or any other social media. I take a deep breath and realise that I miss you. A lot. I am not ready to lose you.

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