Weakness or not?

I care. I am kind. I am authentic. And if I make decisions, I stick with them. I know how to apologise when I’ve done something wrong and I am not afraid to acknowledge that I made a mistake. I don’t have regrets. And yet… I care and I give a fuck. Why the crude language? Because it fits. I will never be numb. If I was, I would not be able to be compassionate and empathetic towards people who don’t give a damn.

But

All this also makes me vulnerable and fragile. Once in a while, I have a hard time understanding that most people simply don’t care and don’t give a fuck. In personal and private matters, it makes me overthink and overanalyse because I will want to try finding out where I went wrong. If I understand the reason why a person acted the way they did, then I can react accordingly.

But

If they act a certain way without reason, just because nothing else matters and just because they can, then my entire thought construct collapses.

Because, I will always care and it will always matter.

Saturday night musings, I guess.

Inspired by a short chat I had this afternoon. I like it when my mind is stimulated to think…

Pain levels: off the charts. One week after the last injection. I can not sleep, and I can not do much around the house. Mood goes up and down because I feel expendable.

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