These days, I am spending lots of time with my youngest daughter and at night, I am watching lots of TV. German Celebrity Big Brother is the chosen program and to be honest, from the 12 people in the house, I only know two. But, whatever… It is entertainment.
Tonight, one celebrity’s cutting scars were talked about, and the camera zoomed in. Well, I have similar scars, but more than what I saw on the celebrity tonight. However, the way he spoke about it was something I recognised from myself. It was apparent that he was uncomfortable.
I started cutting my skin when I was 13 years old. Too much inner pain and no one who would listen or even try to understand. I stopped when I was 17, but it was a lot of work – which I did on my own. Finding something that helped deal with emotions when I never knew how to react to them, that was hard. But, I succeeded for more than 12 years. I was 29 when I was home alone. I drank a bottle of wine and watched a movie, and I was crying like crazy. I don’t remember the film, but I remember that it was around Christmas because there was a Christmas tree and drinks, and there was a knife. All these years later, and I still don’t know what triggered me that night. 2012 was a year when many changes inside myself happened. I grew up, took up writing… Well… After that, I hurt myself more regularly again. Not as much and as deep as before, but still.
I haven’t cut myself in months, but I know that by sabotaging myself I am hurting myself too. These days I am drinking a bit too much once in a while, and I think, that’s not all that different…
When I am overwhelmed, I need to hurt myself.
I know it is wrong, but it is also real and true.
It is hard for people to understand, I am aware of that, on the other hand, I know that many young people experience the same pain.
It gets better. Whatever you are experiencing now, it will get better. If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to get in touch. IG and Twitter is where you can find me, or firstname.lastname@example.org I will not solve your problems, but I can listen to you and tell you my thoughts.
My daughter is asking many questions about my childhood and adolescence, but I never know what to say. I feel uncomfortable telling her about my hardships when I want her to have a good and carefree childhood.
There are scars on my arms and on my soul… They cannot be erased and they are a part of me… ❤
Let go 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈