Sunday Scribblings #16 mountains

We are running and running, hiding in the mountains,

I hear myself breathing your name

A sound barely above a whisper.

Far away from the reality that will crush us,

We are giving in to our secret desires.

The flowers you brought to romance me

Are scattered all over the floor, damaged by our hungry passion.

And I moan your name,

It rolls heavily off my tongue.

Our lust reverberates from these walls,

It is seeping into the floors; invisible to the blind.

And I scream your name in ecstatic bliss,

Flying high, then crashing down in waves of emotions.

The night is falling outside, stars shining bright.

I sign my name across your heart;

It will be protected by the ghosts of the mountains.

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Written for Aaron’s Sunday Scribbling. Take a look at his blog, or consider using the prompts that are published each Wednesday to write, too. Prose, fiction, poetry, non-fiction, essays… everything is allowed.

song of the day

T E Morris – lower (march 24th, 2020)

In March and April, T E Morris released a couple of songs he wrote in isolation – Isolation Songs. He took one hour each day to write a complete song. Sometimes there were some preexisting ideas, some days something new was created. Guitar, piano, electronic, with lyrics and vocals or without. The material is raw around the edges and that is exactly what makes these songs poignant and real. T E Morris is on Patreon – if you want to hear more and want to support the artist, do it via Patreon or BandCamp.

Enjoy.

I woke up, we all do.

For the first time in a long while, I slept through the night. I didn’t wake up as rested as I would have liked, but I felt happy – lighter than I usually do. Maybe it’s because I spoke a lot about my family yesterday. I don’t know. And I don’t want to overthink. Here is a list, I wrote spontaneously, with things that make me happy. Would you do me a favour? In the comments, share one or more things that make you happy. Let’s spread some positivity.

  • Sunrise
  • Standing in the blowing wind
  • The smell of rain
  • A dish that turned out particularly well
  • Receiving mail – personal mail (emails too)
  • Looking at my books and flipping through them
  • Listening to music, singing and dancing along
  • A good book – with a story that is gripping
  • A memory that was almost forgotten and puts a smile on my face
  • Seeing myself through the eyes of others
  • Sleeping through the night without interruption
  • Seeing people I like being happy
  • Being good at my job
  • Hearing a song that touches the right spaces inside of me for the first time
  • Driving with the windows down
  • Seeing plants grow
  • Rainbows and soap bubbles
  • A long bath
  • Feeling loved
  • That look in the eyes of my kids – between awe and she’s crazy
  • Cloud watching
  • Waking up and writing a list of things that make me happy…

Now it’s your turn… What makes you happy or feel light.

Do I need More?

A said: you deserve better than a job at a nursery

D said: you deserve a better man and better friends in your life

J said: if you worked on your poetry it would be even better

A said: do you really need your blog and the people reading it? Sick way of getting attention and approval.

To A I say: I love my job at the nursery. It is important, and half the people belittling my job wouldn’t last a week. It is more than watching kids with a cup of coffee in my hand. It is supporting them in their development (physical and mental). It is working with the parents to make sure the kids are comfortable with us. It is worrying about the little ones when something is not right; when they are sick, or their development is too slow. It is offering security when they feel lost or hurt. It is entertaining them when they are bored. It is teaching them new things all the time. It is listening and understanding their way of communication. Working at a nursery is exhausting and the most beautiful job there is. If my shoulder were not such a killjoy, I wouldn’t be looking for an other job. Being told that I deserve better left a foul taste in my mouth. It is the job I chose, being told that I deserve better feels as if I am too lazy to go big. I am not, but there is nothing better than the proud and happy smile on a child’s face. And I am.making sure that there are many reasons to smile.

To D I say: maybe. But friendships are built over time, and I did (and am doing) my best to keep everyone as far away from me as I possibly can. In my experience, people who know every facet of me use my flaws and weaknesses to stab me in the back. It happens again and again. Maybe, I don’t need better friends at all. I love the handful of close friends I have. Maybe I am sending mixed signals, and I do complain about loneliness a lot (or I did, it is not as bad anymore), but I am content.

To J I say: I am not ambitious enough to want more from my poetry. I like the raw and impulsive way my poetry tumbles out of my fingers. I know I have a certain way with words, I am talented maybe too. But I am shy about it because I am not writing in my mother tongue. And if I were, there would be even fewer readers. Did you know: I have no regular readers in my home country. Once in a while, there is a visitor, but that’s it. And that’s okay. I feel somewhat pretentious that I publish my own poetry and my own writing. But I don’t want to wait for anyone to discover me. And truth be told, if I were rejected too many times, I would probably break from the disappointment. And the other part of my poetry is this: I never revisit it. Sure, if I see a typo, I correct it. But no poem is ever rewritten a day later. Most of my poems are written in under ten minutes. If I don’t edit it in the following thirty minutes (typos excluded), my poem is done. It is that easy, and it is the reason why I write such short pieces.

To A I say: I need this blog. It is my place to vent and rant, be sad, be happy. Most of the readers here are not vocal, and none of them, not one, ever made me feel judged when I shared my personal baggage. Not one ever made fun of me and my typos. Not one ever belittled me for my nerdiness. Not one ever said I should grow up and stop sharing music no one will listen to. Not one made me feel bad about being who I am.

❤🎈❤🎈❤🎈❤🎈

These are things I thought about quite a bit these last few days. Am I settling for less, and could I do more? Is there more in me, and I am just afraid to show it? The truth is, I am not a Russian doll. This version of me – the one you are reading daily, is the only version there is. What you see is what you get. Flaws and all. Qualities too. Sure, I don’t always show all of myself, but let’s be honest, who does? But it doesn’t change that one important fact. I am me. And no one is allowed to tell me how to live my life – even less when I didn’t ask for an opinion or advice.

in a green dream

Fading into the roaring silence of my dreams

A touch on my skin; the tingling feeling lingers

I lick the salty tears off my lips, and I wonder

Where do all the missing kisses hide?

A green veil covers my subconscious mind

I wake up happy, aware that your presence seeped into me.

The trees are burning

We don’t deserve the desert moon

And the burning trees.

Too many words hurt our throats;

We can’t outrun our fears fast enough.

Our eyes are closed, ignoring the sun

Hiding in treasure chests.

The wind blows tears into clouds

Filling an ocean with salt.

We will never understand

That this is the end of our smiles.

Stars are the only dreams left

And we save ourselves in dark fields of burnt trees.

We don’t deserve the cleansing rain.

Song of the day

The Howl and the Hum – hostages

From the album “Human Contact” (2020, AWAL records)

So meet me on the bridge
We’ll hand over our hostages
We’ll shed our skin
And fade into acquaintances

This is how we die
Become just you and I
You turn round and smile
One final time
You were just a state of mind

And two lovers met
Two strangers left

– the howl & the hum – hostages

Enjoy the music. Have a great weekend. 😘

Sunday Scribbles #15 – mirrors

No more empty eyes in the mirror glaring back at her. Done with insecurities fueled by people who never listen or don’t care. No more. No more. She wants to be free. But something is holding her back. Yesterday, she was drowning herself in tears and regrets, but not anymore. She puts her hands on either side of the sink and lowers her head. Her hair covers her face like a dark curtain. With a determined and defiant sneer, she throws her head back and looks at her reflection. She has no idea who she is seeing. Is that really her? Has she changed as much as she is accused of having? She feels broken and bruised inside, but none of it is visible on the outside. Her soul is in shards, cutting her from the inside. Broken heart. But her skin is unblemished; the battle scars hidden under layers of life. Her brown eyes scan her face once more. All she ever wanted was human contact. She hates being vulnerable and only rarely shows it, because if she opens up, shares her most profound wants and needs, talks about her opinions and fantasies, it always ends in her being pushed away. She tries to smile. It is only a grimace. She wants to feel alive. And loved. But the real her is not loveable. She tries staring into her soul but doesn’t see anything—only empty eyes in the mirror. And as much as she tries to pretend that everything is okay, nothing is. She is a hostage in her own cage.

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This is my contribution to Aaron’s weekly prompts. I don’t participate every week; I am not that creative these days. And it is not much this week either. Just something I improvised when I saw the prompt. Visit Aaron’s site Confusing Middle

song of the night

Her Name is Calla – the dead rift

From the EP “the Dead Rift” 2018, function records

Her Name is Calla – a moment of clarity

From the last album Her Name is Calla released before they split as a band: Animal Choir (2019)

And that sound is the crunch of the human spirit breaking

Her Name is Calla – a moment of clarity

It is 2:10 am as I am typing this out. I am tired, but I can’t sleep.

Goodnight and please enjoy the music 😘

Song of the night

Johannes Oerding – anfassen

From the album called “Konturen”. (2019, Columbia Records)

The lyrics to this song are very touching and valid.

German original:

Wir wissen alles überall
Doch viel zu wenig über uns
Und dieses Bisschen wird dann noch geteilt
Was einmal echt war, ist jetzt kalt
Heute künstlich, früher Kunst
Weil Grenzen nicht bemerkt, geht oft zu weit

Wir haben tausende von Freunden
Doch Haben sie jedoch noch nie geseh’n
Viel zu grell blendet der bunte Schein
Wir haben tausende von Träumen
Doch verlieren das echte Leben
Es zerfällt zu Staub aus Nullen und Einsen

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert

Falsche Richtung Schritt für Schritt
Bis die nächste Welle bricht
Keine Zeit um noch mal Luft zu holen
Wir entfernen uns Klick für Klick
Von dem was eigentlich wirklich ist
Schwimmen wir gegen oder mit dem Strom

Wir haben tausende von Träumen
Doch verlieren das echte Leben
Wir verlaufen uns im Smog und Nebel

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert

Und wie oft habe ich schon gedacht
Wie oft haben wir uns verpasst
Weil unsere Welt zu laut blinkt
Man kann viel klarer hören und sehen
Viel besser fühlen und verstehen
Komm lass mal wieder ein Bisschen reden
Und die Köpfe wieder hochnehmen

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr were

English translation:

We know everything everywhere
But far too little about us
And that little bit is then shared
What was once real is now cold
Artificial today, art in the past
Because limits are not noticed, often goes too far

We have thousands of friends
But have never seen them before
The colorful glow is far too bright
We have thousands of dreams
Yet lose real life
It disintegrates into dust of zeros and ones

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

Wrong direction step by step
Until the next wave breaks
No time to breathe again
We move away click by click
Of what actually is
Let’s swim against or with the current

We have thousands of dreams
Yet lose real life
We get lost in smog and fog

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

And how often have I thought
How many times have we missed each other
Because our world is blinking too loud
You can hear and see much more clearly
Feel and understand much better
Come on, let’s talk a little more
And put your heads up again

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

This is google translate but I was not calm and focussed enough tonight to give a proper translation.

Change is coming, but as of this moment, I am not allowed to share more information.

But the books… The support is overwhelming; the sales not impressive at all. But… I’ll keep on keeping on. There are fire and passion in me, and everything will be okay. There was another anxiety attack today, after some calm and quiet weeks.

In other news… I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary last Monday. I am longing for a lot of love, but the truth is, over 20 years ago I met my best friend and married him. Maybe we are not the most conservative and regular couple, but we love each other. Phew…

Love me.