We are running and running, hiding in the mountains,
I hear myself breathing your name
A sound barely above a whisper.
Far away from the reality that will crush us,
We are giving in to our secret desires.
The flowers you brought to romance me
Are scattered all over the floor, damaged by our hungry passion.
And I moan your name,
It rolls heavily off my tongue.
Our lust reverberates from these walls,
It is seeping into the floors; invisible to the blind.
And I scream your name in ecstatic bliss,
Flying high, then crashing down in waves of emotions.
The night is falling outside, stars shining bright.
I sign my name across your heart;
It will be protected by the ghosts of the mountains.
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Written for Aaron’s Sunday Scribbling. Take a look at his blog, or consider using the prompts that are published each Wednesday to write, too. Prose, fiction, poetry, non-fiction, essays… everything is allowed.
In March and April, T E Morris released a couple of songs he wrote in isolation – Isolation Songs. He took one hour each day to write a complete song. Sometimes there were some preexisting ideas, some days something new was created. Guitar, piano, electronic, with lyrics and vocals or without. The material is raw around the edges and that is exactly what makes these songs poignant and real. T E Morris is on Patreon – if you want to hear more and want to support the artist, do it via Patreon or BandCamp.
For the first time in a long while, I slept through the night. I didn’t wake up as rested as I would have liked, but I felt happy – lighter than I usually do. Maybe it’s because I spoke a lot about my family yesterday. I don’t know. And I don’t want to overthink. Here is a list, I wrote spontaneously, with things that make me happy. Would you do me a favour? In the comments, share one or more things that make you happy. Let’s spread some positivity.
Sunrise
Standing in the blowing wind
The smell of rain
A dish that turned out particularly well
Receiving mail – personal mail (emails too)
Looking at my books and flipping through them
Listening to music, singing and dancing along
A good book – with a story that is gripping
A memory that was almost forgotten and puts a smile on my face
Seeing myself through the eyes of others
Sleeping through the night without interruption
Seeing people I like being happy
Being good at my job
Hearing a song that touches the right spaces inside of me for the first time
Driving with the windows down
Seeing plants grow
Rainbows and soap bubbles
A long bath
Feeling loved
That look in the eyes of my kids – between awe and she’s crazy
Cloud watching
Waking up and writing a list of things that make me happy…
Now it’s your turn… What makes you happy or feel light.
A said: you deserve better than a job at a nursery
D said: you deserve a better man and better friends in your life
J said: if you worked on your poetry it would be even better
A said: do you really need your blog and the people reading it? Sick way of getting attention and approval.
To A I say: I love my job at the nursery. It is important, and half the people belittling my job wouldn’t last a week. It is more than watching kids with a cup of coffee in my hand. It is supporting them in their development (physical and mental). It is working with the parents to make sure the kids are comfortable with us. It is worrying about the little ones when something is not right; when they are sick, or their development is too slow. It is offering security when they feel lost or hurt. It is entertaining them when they are bored. It is teaching them new things all the time. It is listening and understanding their way of communication. Working at a nursery is exhausting and the most beautiful job there is. If my shoulder were not such a killjoy, I wouldn’t be looking for an other job. Being told that I deserve better left a foul taste in my mouth. It is the job I chose, being told that I deserve better feels as if I am too lazy to go big. I am not, but there is nothing better than the proud and happy smile on a child’s face. And I am.making sure that there are many reasons to smile.
To D I say: maybe. But friendships are built over time, and I did (and am doing) my best to keep everyone as far away from me as I possibly can. In my experience, people who know every facet of me use my flaws and weaknesses to stab me in the back. It happens again and again. Maybe, I don’t need better friends at all. I love the handful of close friends I have. Maybe I am sending mixed signals, and I do complain about loneliness a lot (or I did, it is not as bad anymore), but I am content.
To J I say: I am not ambitious enough to want more from my poetry. I like the raw and impulsive way my poetry tumbles out of my fingers. I know I have a certain way with words, I am talented maybe too. But I am shy about it because I am not writing in my mother tongue. And if I were, there would be even fewer readers. Did you know: I have no regular readers in my home country. Once in a while, there is a visitor, but that’s it. And that’s okay. I feel somewhat pretentious that I publish my own poetry and my own writing. But I don’t want to wait for anyone to discover me. And truth be told, if I were rejected too many times, I would probably break from the disappointment. And the other part of my poetry is this: I never revisit it. Sure, if I see a typo, I correct it. But no poem is ever rewritten a day later. Most of my poems are written in under ten minutes. If I don’t edit it in the following thirty minutes (typos excluded), my poem is done. It is that easy, and it is the reason why I write such short pieces.
To A I say: I need this blog. It is my place to vent and rant, be sad, be happy. Most of the readers here are not vocal, and none of them, not one, ever made me feel judged when I shared my personal baggage. Not one ever made fun of me and my typos. Not one ever belittled me for my nerdiness. Not one ever said I should grow up and stop sharing music no one will listen to. Not one made me feel bad about being who I am.
❤🎈❤🎈❤🎈❤🎈
These are things I thought about quite a bit these last few days. Am I settling for less, and could I do more? Is there more in me, and I am just afraid to show it? The truth is, I am not a Russian doll. This version of me – the one you are reading daily, is the only version there is. What you see is what you get. Flaws and all. Qualities too. Sure, I don’t always show all of myself, but let’s be honest, who does? But it doesn’t change that one important fact. I am me. And no one is allowed to tell me how to live my life – even less when I didn’t ask for an opinion or advice.
No more empty eyes in the mirror glaring back at her. Done with insecurities fueled by people who never listen or don’t care. No more. No more. She wants to be free. But something is holding her back. Yesterday, she was drowning herself in tears and regrets, but not anymore. She puts her hands on either side of the sink and lowers her head. Her hair covers her face like a dark curtain. With a determined and defiant sneer, she throws her head back and looks at her reflection. She has no idea who she is seeing. Is that really her? Has she changed as much as she is accused of having? She feels broken and bruised inside, but none of it is visible on the outside. Her soul is in shards, cutting her from the inside. Broken heart. But her skin is unblemished; the battle scars hidden under layers of life. Her brown eyes scan her face once more. All she ever wanted was human contact. She hates being vulnerable and only rarely shows it, because if she opens up, shares her most profound wants and needs, talks about her opinions and fantasies, it always ends in her being pushed away. She tries to smile. It is only a grimace. She wants to feel alive. And loved. But the real her is not loveable. She tries staring into her soul but doesn’t see anything—only empty eyes in the mirror. And as much as she tries to pretend that everything is okay, nothing is. She is a hostage in her own cage.
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This is my contribution to Aaron’s weekly prompts. I don’t participate every week; I am not that creative these days. And it is not much this week either. Just something I improvised when I saw the prompt. Visit Aaron’s site Confusing Middle
From the album called “Konturen”. (2019, Columbia Records)
The lyrics to this song are very touching and valid.
German original:
Wir wissen alles überall Doch viel zu wenig über uns Und dieses Bisschen wird dann noch geteilt Was einmal echt war, ist jetzt kalt Heute künstlich, früher Kunst Weil Grenzen nicht bemerkt, geht oft zu weit
Wir haben tausende von Freunden Doch Haben sie jedoch noch nie geseh’n Viel zu grell blendet der bunte Schein Wir haben tausende von Träumen Doch verlieren das echte Leben Es zerfällt zu Staub aus Nullen und Einsen
Ich brauche was zum Anfassen Dann kann ich wieder loslassen Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer Wenn überall über alles geht Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert
Falsche Richtung Schritt für Schritt Bis die nächste Welle bricht Keine Zeit um noch mal Luft zu holen Wir entfernen uns Klick für Klick Von dem was eigentlich wirklich ist Schwimmen wir gegen oder mit dem Strom
Wir haben tausende von Träumen Doch verlieren das echte Leben Wir verlaufen uns im Smog und Nebel
Ich brauche was zum Anfassen Dann kann ich wieder loslassen Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer Wenn überall über alles geht Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert
Und wie oft habe ich schon gedacht Wie oft haben wir uns verpasst Weil unsere Welt zu laut blinkt Man kann viel klarer hören und sehen Viel besser fühlen und verstehen Komm lass mal wieder ein Bisschen reden Und die Köpfe wieder hochnehmen
Ich brauche was zum Anfassen Dann kann ich wieder loslassen Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer Wenn überall über alles geht Ist der Moment nichts mehr were
English translation:
We know everything everywhere But far too little about us And that little bit is then shared What was once real is now cold Artificial today, art in the past Because limits are not noticed, often goes too far
We have thousands of friends But have never seen them before The colorful glow is far too bright We have thousands of dreams Yet lose real life It disintegrates into dust of zeros and ones
I need something to touch Then I can let go again I don’t want to adjust anymore I want to have my life in my own hands again If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea When everything goes above and beyond The moment is no longer worth anything
Wrong direction step by step Until the next wave breaks No time to breathe again We move away click by click Of what actually is Let’s swim against or with the current
We have thousands of dreams Yet lose real life We get lost in smog and fog
I need something to touch Then I can let go again I don’t want to adjust anymore I want to have my life in my own hands again If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea When everything goes above and beyond The moment is no longer worth anything
And how often have I thought How many times have we missed each other Because our world is blinking too loud You can hear and see much more clearly Feel and understand much better Come on, let’s talk a little more And put your heads up again
I need something to touch Then I can let go again I don’t want to adjust anymore I want to have my life in my own hands again If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea When everything goes above and beyond The moment is no longer worth anything
This is google translate but I was not calm and focussed enough tonight to give a proper translation.
Change is coming, but as of this moment, I am not allowed to share more information.
But the books… The support is overwhelming; the sales not impressive at all. But… I’ll keep on keeping on. There are fire and passion in me, and everything will be okay. There was another anxiety attack today, after some calm and quiet weeks.
In other news… I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary last Monday. I am longing for a lot of love, but the truth is, over 20 years ago I met my best friend and married him. Maybe we are not the most conservative and regular couple, but we love each other. Phew…
reflections of an unquiet mind 