As of today, I am a published author. Everything fell in place much faster than anticipated, and today, my novel went live.

For now, only available as paperback via Amazon worldwide.


There are only ten signed copies available through this blog. First come, first served.

The Ebook- version will follow, but I had some troubles with my laptop today and I gave up. Instead, I chose to celebrate my achievement.

But, here it comes: I am scared, almost a wreck, to be honest. It’s very different from when I published my poetry, I was more confident then.

But, my novel is good. The writing is good and the story too. I believe in my story.

So… Celebrate with me the release of my first novel, Heart of Stone. Buy it, read it, love it.

we didn’t start the fire

There is a fire
sparks I can’t control
Light or dust? What will it be?

There is a fire
in my soul
Destruction or life? What will it be?

There is a fire
ashes and dust
But as the smoke fades, I see.

There was a fire
no wounds or scars
Everything new.

song of the day (Thursday)

Felix Räuber – road to chaos

This song was released in July 2020 on Every Motion Records, which is Felix’s own label. He is an artist through and through, an extraordinary vocalist and his interviews show an intelligent man who cares about life and the state of this earth. Felix is probably better known to a broader audience as the singer of the band Polarkreis 18, they had a huge hit single with the song “Allein Allein” in 2007. Definitely an artist to watch. Hearing him live is a treat too. I saw him years ago at a gig with Maximilian Hecker. 36 people with the staff manning the bar… a gem of a gig that I will never forget.

Enjoy your day. xx

Wednesday 3

This spoke to me because I am ready to leap. I waited for a long while, but I think, if I can muster the courage and maybe have a little final shove, then change is near. It is about time I act and brush away my self-doubt.

1. I almost finalised my novel. The format and ISBN are sorted, I just need to revise one last time to get rid of the pesky spelling errors that fly under the spellchecking radar

2. I made pizza from scratch, yummy

3. I rediscovered how much fun writing can be. I am a good writer. I really am.

4. Chatted with an old acquaintance

5. Was asked about my opinion on a new track by a musician who follows me on Twitter. I was honest and kind.

6. I accepted something to come to its end, even though I would have preferred it to continue.

7. I am struggling a lot with myself these days, but I will get there. If I could only allow myself the same kindness and care I offer freely to others.

8. Music. Braver and Stronger was my song of the day (see post). Song of the night:

Glen Hansard – Leave. From the motion picture “Once”. There is so much emotion in that song. I like Glen’s music a lot. I saw him live once and it was the first time I shed a tear at a live gig. He played this song:

Bird of sorrow from the album Rhythm & Repose (2012)

9. It is okay to fail. It is okay to have flaws. It is okay to show emotions (not only write about them…)

10. Goodnight. xx


Desktop view

This is a screenshot of today’s blog. As you can see, there is something new in the right corner. I am in the process of having my first novel printed. Ten copies to start, and then we will see how it goes. First come, first served. Pre-orders are open now. Shipping will follow mid-August.

Mobile view

This is quite exciting, and I am looking forward to holding my book in my hands, and I am looking forward to hear thoughts about it too.

Wish me luck.


song of the day

Nate Maingard – Braver and Stronger (2012)


My favourite Nate Maingard song… He is a South-African self-proclaimed troubadour who finances his life through sustainable living and patreon. Interesting guy, but I cannot always agree with his eccentric views. And I don’t have to, because we are all intelligent people who can think for ourselves.

Have a great day…

Keep your eyes open! A surprise is headed your way.

What am I even doing here?!

I had a bad day. That’s the biggest understatement today.

I barely slept. How do things go from “why aren’t you on FB?” to “why didn’t you reply to my message?” (a message that said I will go to bed in a minute and that I only saw in the morning in my notification bar – I didn’t think it was important!) How do things go from “I want you in my life and I want to know everything about you” to “I struggle every month of the year.” (as a reply to me explaining that July is particularly strenuous and challenging for me because it is the month I lost my best friend and the anniversary of my suicide attempt and I am preoccupied with my own wars instead of being my usual supportive self). How do things go from “We have a deep connection” to being blocked on FB (facebook that I only reactivated because they insisted!). I am unwanted.

I was sent home at work because there was no work for me… I wasn’t needed. My boss apologised when I pointed out that it is hurtful to be sent home as much as I am sent home right now. I know, we are saving my hours to use them when I am really needed, but honestly it hurts. And it makes me angry. We were three people with four kids, of course, I had to leave, I am the one with overtime, but I was also the only one of us three doing something with the kids, while my colleagues sat on their asses, complaining about a change of schedule, I entertained the kids – it is our job, for fuck’s sake. But, I was not needed.

I feel useless as it is and now I read this… And mere moments ago, I read a personal blog post that basically said that the concept of survival of the fittest is destroyed by modern civilization (sick people taking medication now that would have died years ago) and that everything was better when people were free. I don’t disagree with everything. But, I was born to a sick mother. She was sick before I was born, according to the logic of this writer, she should have died and I would not have been born at all. I have no right to be here.

And wow… that just plays into that whole shitty day thing.

Please listen to Damien Rice singing Sia’s Chandelier:


You closed the door for good
No light to guide my way back into your arms,
No back window left ajar for me to sneak in.

Brick by brick, I’ll build a wall around myself
An ivory tower, painted in black,
Just to stay away from you.

I want to fly from a bridge
Cover myself in water
Just to set my mind free.

Autumn leaves reveal shattered minds
Dry rivers, left no tears to cry
Just soundless silent pain.

A chain with too many keys
None of them opens your heart for me
No screaming and yelling will break the lock.

You closed the door for good…

Where is my light?

Where is my light?

I lost the sun, the moon, the stars,
now I am following a map with no directions.
Like a seed that is never watered,
parched lips – starving for affection.

Where is the light?

And I exhale my last life’s breath,
Giving it away to make you stay.
Can you feel me now?
A kiss from your soul will end the everlasting night.

Where is the light ?

I am running, but my legs aren’t moving,
wishing to be in someone else’s mind for a while.
Like waves that are licking the sand,
Tasting what is missing – unable to hold on to the things I find.

Where is my light?

I woke up with a poem in my fingers.