It’s been so long since I had a decent night’s sleep. I feel old and worn out. No makeup and no styling my hair can hide how much older I look these days. My eyes are puffy and swollen, which seems to be a constant these days. Lack of sleep, allergies? Just the way things are now? I also gained a lot of weight again, and it is a pain to get rid of it. I have to face it, I am not 20 or 30 anymore. And I am not 35 anymore either.
Years of being at war with myself left traces, and I can’t hide them well. Living is exhausting. I am tired.
I lost myself on the tip of my broken tongue.
I usually don’t allow myself to re-feel old emotions, but maybe it is time to revisit the places that made me happy. The faces too.
I tried sharing less of all the ugliness that is me. But I can’t. It makes me look bad, but it is the most real part of me. Maybe I should just go into hiding and sit it out.
As I said, I am exhausted and tired. Powerless and useless too. Sad for no reason apparent to anyone. And I don’t have to vocabulary to give this – whatever it is – a voice and words.