zen (a to z)

Agitated, nervous, rapid breathing. Anxiety was a part of her now. Panic attacks that felt like she was dying. Constricted lungs, exploding hearts. There was nothing zen about her. Not anymore. Life had taken away her feeling of safety. No one was looking out for her or protecting her. She had to do it on her own and it was harder than it looked. Other people were fine on their own, or at least they weren’t visibly failing at life, but she was and it was scary. The inner restless spread inside of her and she wished she could just not be there. She ran her hands over her face to feel herself, but that gesture made it all worse. She couldn’t be touched, not even by herself. She wanted to scream, but there was no air to form a sound. She wanted to crawl out of her skin. Where was that zen everyone talked about? There was just pain. The pain of existing. The pain of being alive. Nothing zen. Just pretending that everything was well.

Bush – Everything Zen (from the album Sixteen Stone released in 1994 on Interscope)


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