I am jumping from this to that, mostly because I feel like being in a bit of a manic phase tonight.
People ask: “How are you?”
My usual reply: “Fine, just tired.”
But these days, I am too exhausted to pretend and if I am asked how I am, I reply truthfully.
I am overwhelmed. Everything is too much. Too many feelings. Too many emotions. Too much pain. Too much of everything.
Most people have no idea what to do with this admission. But tonight, someone found words that got to me and helped me in some unexpected way.
I didn’t ask him if it is ok to share parts of our brief conversation, that’s why I keep him anonymous. Suffice to say, that he didn’t help me for the first time without doing it on purpose.
And it is too much… That’s still true. I think, it is a mix of mental health struggles and the constant pain in my shoulder getting the best of me. I have been lamenting since last November… I am still in a lot of pain. A simple touch or caress on the shoulder makes me move away from the touch. I had two MRTs and I will have the results on February 26th. Before that, I will work at least one double shift and I will go on a short trip to the Netherlands with my husband and kids.
I had new painkillers yesterday. So far, they only seem to work for 3 hours (maximum). I tried CBD, but that too doesn’t lower the pain levels (so far), it only makes me tired.
I am beyond exhausted. With everything. Sometimes I wish I could delete or erase myself as easily as I deleted my story… The muse got busy with other things and I realized that I lost my writing skills and talent… If found, please return to me. Thank you.