Randomness

I am having a speechless and lonely night.

Actually, these last weeks are like that, and that is a reason why I am taking and sharing so many photos these days.

I noticed that the photos I take are often dark and the atmosphere leans to the eerie side. Maybe that has to do with my mindset.

There is a pain deeply rooted in my soul. And I am trying to accept it, to live with it. My childhood was tough. But is that a reason? I have been living with depression for more than twenty years. Some moments were harder and others were easier. Last year was very hard. I look around myself and see all the good. I have a beautiful family, a nice job, a comfortable home. There is a lot of good in my life. I can see it. I can feel it.

But there is this melancholy that I cannot shake off. It has been oppressive these last months. And I admit, I was neglecting it for a the longest times, until out of the blue, it came crushing down on me last week. I turned to one of my most cherished people in the world, but they were not there. And that is okay, but it just added to my loneliness. It is not their fault. Not at all. They couldn’t know. And i am trying to keep my struggles away from the people I love. I want to be strong for everyone, all the time.

I am not striving to be perfect or even appear perfect. Perfection is boring and an utopian concept. I just don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I am not used to people showing worry or affection toward me.

So… Either way… I am not sure what this ramble was all about… It just came pouring out. And there is a lot more… But who really wants to read that…?

Random thought: i have seen too many movies, heard too much music, and read too many books.

xx