Rea Garvey – can’t stand the silence
I had forgotten about this song until it came on the radio today.
Silence means rejection or abandonment. I cannot stand silence from friends.
Also, the silence around me means that my mind goes into overdrive and that in itself is dangerous.
Yesterday, I was at a birthday party — a 40th birthday.
The party was in Germany, and there were people from Germany, Luxembourg, France, Wales (Cardiff), and Canada (Ontario). Once again, I was in awe about how fast I can switch from one language to the other and still be fluent in all of them. Also, translating comes naturally to me.
Being quadrilingual is common in Luxembourg. Many people even know five languages. (Like my dad, although he is not fluent, he understands it and speaks some.)
I am proud of this skill.
Lately, I was wondering and also trying to write in a different language, but the truth is, English is my preferred writing language. I even do my journaling in English. For me, it is easiest to put my emotions into words like that. Is that weird? Maybe it is.
Yesterday at that party, I was asked if I ever thought about seeing a professional. Not for the mental health issues, but this person had recently discovered that she is on the autistic spectrum, and she had been treated for mental health issues all her life, and no medicine ever helped or eased her troubles. It got me thinking. Maybe she is right.
There are plenty of signs that I am not the norm. It is scary, but also nothing extraordinary for me.
I had a couple of very social weeks. I need to retreat to refuel. Because, it is true, I am running on empty. I gave it my all. There is a void and an emptiness spreading inside me. Gaping wounds… I will bleed myself dry.