His perfect girl, (repost October 3rd 2017)

He lay on his back and stared at the night sky stretching above him. A glittering veil was covering the black. The moon was shining brightly; not whole yet. He felt the same, not whole. A part of him was missing. She was six hundred and fifty-six miles away.

He met his twin flame online. He had met her in real life too. He fell for her. He fell in love with her. He loved her; made love to her. And then, then he had pushed her away. From one day to the next he couldn’t deal with the connection they shared, he couldn’t live with the distance between them. Dealing with the unexpected explosion of emotions was too complicated. And he was not a complicated man. There was no room for complications in his life. He just knew that being with her felt like destroying himself. Being without her felt like missing a part of his soul. Her presence scared him. Almost as much as the knowledge that the sky is infinite and time is finite. Her absence terrified him even more.

He couldn’t admit that he was running away from her. He didn’t dare to admit that it was all too intense and overwhelming. It was easier to manipulate her into thinking that she had done something wrong and that it was her who was pushing him away.

The truth was, he was missing her. With every breath he took. He was missing the way she made his soul lighter, and his thoughts less heavy. He missed how she inspired his work, the intimacy and, the sex too. Yes, he missed how it felt to fill her body. He had had many girls and women in his life. They had never felt like her on his skin. Her kisses were like magic; her orgasms were bliss, his own release couldn’t be compared to anything he ever experienced in bed with anyone else. An intimacy that spread onto many levels connected them.

From the moment they had first spoken, something had clicked. Profoundly. And now he was running away. He had an ugly soul, an empty heart, heavy thoughts. Others had described him that way. And he couldn’t deny it, he didn’t know if it was true or not, he only knew that if enough people believed those words, they held some truth. But she didn’t care. She seemed to like all the facets of him. Everything he hated about himself were things she loved about him; and she never tired of saying so. The good and the bad. And he was not prepared for that. He was not prepared to open himself to her to let her see who he was. Who he is. Bare. Nowhere to hide his imperfections. He had always wanted to be seen and to be able to be himself without getting strange looks. Now that he had met someone comfortable and sure enough of themselves to accept him for who he was, he couldn’t handle it. It made him wipe angry tears out of the corner of his eye.

He slapped the grass next to him in frustration. Since when was he such a coward? Since when was he lamenting to have no one to love him, knowing full well that she was there. Was he so used to being hurt and rejected that being wanted and accepted scared him?

That woman. She was addictive. Always on his mind. There was that fear of going back to her and letting her see his vulnerable side. There was that irrational panic that she could use it against him. And there was the dread that she would reject him and run away.

Until then, she never ran. She had proven that she was trustworthy on many occasions. He hated how much she completed him. He loved it too.

A raindrop landed on his forehead breaking his thoughts. From the porch, a women called him to get out of the rain and go inside; it was his wife. He grunted a response and got off the lawn just in time before the light dribble became a rainstorm.

Minutes ago, he had stared at the clear night sky. He had been sunken so deep in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the clouds hiding the stars. Standing on the porch, he kept looking into the dark. She was his dark. Behind him, his wife was standing with a dishtowel. She was beautiful. He loved her. But she didn’t understand him. He had changed; evolved – without her. She was not the one to fill that empty space in his heart. She was not the one who knew every secret, nothing withheld. But she was enough. She had to be. He took a quick look at his phone. He had no messages, but he still wanted to see what she was doing and who. He liked to see and know that she was online. Her profile picture was beautiful. For the moment, it was all he got from her. It was all he deserved. But he wanted more. He wanted all of her. Even if it meant leaving the safety of his family. After all, She was the one — his twin flame.

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