Today, I logged into Facebook again. My account had been deactivated last September, and I never regretted nor missed it. I only deactivated my account because I use Messenger a lot and I didn’t want to lose that. I was not active on FB before I left. I was merely scrolling and liking here or there, but I wasn’t posting a lot. I didn’t see the need to keep an active account.
So… Today I logged in and updated my profile picture and mere minutes later, the first notifications came in. Likes and a handful of comments welcoming me back. It made me smile. It made me feel good. But all these people (apart from 1) never bothered to get in touch in any other way. No one asked if I was okay… No one was curious. Now they are. And it feels quite fake to me.
The smiles and the good feeling vanished quickly when I noticed that moved on and that I don’t have anything to do on FB anymore. (Did I grow out of it?)
The same is true for Twitter too. Twitter is like talking to yourself hoping someone else is listening. I am scrolling and reading and liking. But my own reach is minimal. I share links to my poetry or posts on here, and they are completely ignored. And it is okay. I am just wondering though if Twitter is not working for me, why should I keep it?
The thing with me and social media is simple. It makes me feel connected. Fake-connection. I don’t have friends. I have colleagues at work. I have online friends, but not real friends. Partly, it is my own doing because I prefer keeping people at arm’s length. I don’t want to push anyone away with my oddities, and that is why I just don’t let anyone in from the start. It is a vicious circle though because not having friends makes me lonely. Loneliness deepens my depression. My depression keeps people away – it makes me lonely.
Question: how does a 36yr old woman make new friends? (I am honestly clueless)
In the end, social media doesn’t connect me to other people; it disconnects me from myself.