Fake smiles

Today, I logged into Facebook again. My account had been deactivated last September, and I never regretted nor missed it. I only deactivated my account because I use Messenger a lot and I didn’t want to lose that. I was not active on FB before I left. I was merely scrolling and liking here or there, but I wasn’t posting a lot. I didn’t see the need to keep an active account.

So… Today I logged in and updated my profile picture and mere minutes later, the first notifications came in. Likes and a handful of comments welcoming me back. It made me smile. It made me feel good. But all these people (apart from 1) never bothered to get in touch in any other way. No one asked if I was okay… No one was curious. Now they are. And it feels quite fake to me.

The smiles and the good feeling vanished quickly when I noticed that moved on and that I don’t have anything to do on FB anymore. (Did I grow out of it?)

The same is true for Twitter too. Twitter is like talking to yourself hoping someone else is listening. I am scrolling and reading and liking. But my own reach is minimal. I share links to my poetry or posts on here, and they are completely ignored. And it is okay. I am just wondering though if Twitter is not working for me, why should I keep it?

The thing with me and social media is simple. It makes me feel connected. Fake-connection. I don’t have friends. I have colleagues at work. I have online friends, but not real friends. Partly, it is my own doing because I prefer keeping people at arm’s length. I don’t want to push anyone away with my oddities, and that is why I just don’t let anyone in from the start. It is a vicious circle though because not having friends makes me lonely. Loneliness deepens my depression. My depression keeps people away – it makes me lonely.

Question: how does a 36yr old woman make new friends? (I am honestly clueless)

In the end, social media doesn’t connect me to other people; it disconnects me from myself.



11 Replies to “Fake smiles”

  1. Your recent set of posts resonate with me deeply. You’re right about the fake connection online also about how difficult it is to live offline.
    People are easier through a screen and connections too are easier to make no matter how surface level.
    Life is difficult and very disillusioned there are no buts to it. Some things are better and most of it isn’t all that grand.
    I don’t really know what the point is to this comment and I’m hoping it makes sense.
    But I do want you to know I value your words for even when I doubt they still come back like a comforting voice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Full respect for sharing. I think a lot of people on deeper reflection would find themselves in your situation. Our online communities are made of smoke and mirrors – unfulfilling and unreal on one hand and addictive and manipulative on the other. So hard to offer advice because we’re all so different but I guess it’s about looking for what real humans do in your area, switching off the inner critic and trying a few things. I’ve often thought about the same topic – how about creating a ‘meet up group’ and rolling the cosmic dice! This is such an important topic…hope you get some useful feedback

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Switching off the inner critic,” I want to yell yes and raise my fist into the air, but at the same time, I am looking at my feet and wondering where that damned switch is hiding.


            1. I like meditation, but these days it is hard. I can’t focus. And that lack of focus agitates me when I am trying to meditate. Lol… One day, it will happen again for me too. For now, I am finally using Reiki again. Almost ten years ago I learned it, but after a while I stopped using it. Getting back at it again.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Meditation is all about time put in…it really takes a few days/weeks to settle….I find just having a go once in a while a bit pointless and frustrating like you say. Has to be daily I think

                Liked by 1 person

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