untitled (suggestions welcome)

Leaves dancing in the rain
Sun licking the morning dew;
Reflections in the window pane
Grey skies turning blue.

Behind a concealing mask
Feelings are an uncomfortable mess,
To understand is an unbearable task
And it’s easier to leave than to stay, I guess.

Toxic thoughts and actions;
Driving​ so-called friends away
Understanding their reactions
But missing them forever and a day.

More light in the dark
More tears in an ocean
Another life’s mark
Overcome by emotion.

A head full of spinning thoughts
Cowering in the corner of my mind
To unfurl their knots.
Once again, I am left behind.

A soap bubble of for never
Floating up to the clouds
A memory to stay forever
Hidden from the crowds.

I am the shadow in my light
I am the hope in my despair
But after my lastest sleepless night
I can say that I am still there.

epiphany

I am my own worst bully.

I am the voice in my own head telling me that I don’t deserve this or that. I am the voice in my head pulling me down and belittling things I am passionate about. I am the voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough. I am the voice in my head telling me that I will never succeed. I am the voice in my head telling me to be ashamed to be seen. I am the voice in my head telling me that I don’t deserve happiness, joy, or the men in my life. I am the voice in my head that keeps me from daring things. I am the voice in my head overthinking every little thing until it is blown out of proportion. I am that voice in my own head.

I am my own worst bully.

20170515

The abyss is beguiling me
“Jump” it says
“Join me” it whispers.
And I can’t fight it anymore
One step closer to the ledge.
I fall.

a brief conversation with my son

 

Today, my son asked about the stripes on my arm. I told him that they are scars. My heart began pounding… I am not ready to have that conversation. Not when I am still dealing with it.
I am not ashamed. I am just not sure how to explain it without sounding pathetic and at the same time, teaching him that it is a harmful way to deal with pain and frustration… The above is an exact transcript of what was said.

xx

 

(On this picture, you can only see the bigger scars, there are faint ones you can almost only see when you really look for them… apparently, he did. Also, I am not sure why the scars are this swollen today)IMG_20170514_194638201

Please, don’t disappear

Pure lust
Left our hearts bleeding
Ends came too soon
And I keep wondering if I bruised your
Soul more than I will ever know.
Everything happened too fast.

Did we play a game and lost
Or did we fall and failed to be caught?
Not you me? Not me you?
Talk to me!

Dreams were shattered
Ice cold water drenched us from within
Seldom did I feel this protective and worried
And I want you to be here
Please, don’t disappear.
Pounding hope, inside
Eyes filled with fear.
And I wish I could 
Reach out to make you see they way I see.