Random

I moan a lot about this and about that, mostly about me and the sadness and emptiness inside of me. Maybe my view of things is wrong though. Because what if I am not empty but overflowing? And I don’t mean overwhelmed. 

I spend a lot of time pulling me down and finding reasons to not like me. What if there are valid reasons to like me, though? What if my quirks are adorable and not annoying?

I live with that notion of being a bother and of stealing people’s time. What if they give it willingly? Why is that such a strange concept for me?

If I could love me, if I could like the person I am, these questions would be easily answered. But for me, they are not. I can not go easy on myself. I cannot forgive myself any shortcomings. And I have no idea why.

Tonight, I spent a great evening with work colleagues. It was the first for me. Ever. We ate and drank and laughed and had an amazing time. And I was not sitting just there in a corner fiddling with my glass… No, I fit right in. And it felt nice to be a part of this amazing team of people. Because that’s what they-we are; an extraordinary team of colleagues. I love going to work with these people. And evenings like tonight are very important. They are for me. They mean more than they should, but they raise my self-esteem just the slightest bit.

Still… It doesn’t change that I am in a bad emotional place. I can’t say why or what… I know why and what, but I can’t find words to describe it. It is just very hard to be and to exist right now. It never felt like this before. And I often have my down-moments. Never like this. It’s quite bad and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I tried to talk to my best friend, but she didn’t listen. She made everything I said about her and I gave up trying to talk.I let her lead the conversation and I let her speak and I gave advice and was interested. But when I was alone again, I felt worse than before because of it.

I am going to try to sleep right now. I wonder what I can do to pull myself out of the dark. This has been going on for too long. 

I’ll think about it tomorrow.

PS: The ending of this post suck… Sorry.

paper man

Paper man
Pale and unseen
Crumbled and bruised
So many ways
To be de-creased, uncreased.
But no one is there
To pull at the edges
Of your sheet.
Too many lit fires 🔥
Too many coffee stains
Not a blank page anymore
And still
There is room left
To write a new story
Paper man.

Hide

Let’s get high and high
Hide.
Let the wave swallow us
Hide.

Breathe me away
Drink what’s left of me
And when I’m resurrected
Let’s do it again.

Let’s get high and high
Hide.
Let the fantasy become reality
Hide.

Spit me out
Don’t touch my skin
And when I am wilted away
Let’s do it again.

Let’s get high and
Hide.

unfelt

​Empty tears fill a bottomless jar
I can hear the silence in the air
I can feel my soul disappear.
Hands cover my face.
Not there.
Hidden in the unknown.
Too many feelings were left unfelt
I turn into a shadow of myself after I melt…