I wrote some sort of memoir about my childhood…
A moment. A smile. Changing mood. Maybe.
I had a rough time lately. I can never really explain what is happening, but a dark mood rolls over me and captures me. I feel trapped. In my life. In my body. And all I want to do is run. Fading. Vanishing. Not being there. But I am there. And I need to live life even if it is hard to get up each morning. Even if I feel no joy in anything, not even my family that I love so much. And I want to scream, but there is no sound. And no one to hear my silent screams. Am I a master of disguise? I don’t think so… But I am stressed all the time and it’s easy to deflect what is really happening inside. And how could I reach out when I don’t find the words or thoughts for it myself? I suffer in silence. And there are days when I can’t do life. I just can’t. But I must. And so I keep giving and I keep exhausting myself and I keep neglecting what shouldn’t be neglected. My own health. My own well-being.
Often, it doesn’t take much to get up and pull myself out of these deep dark holes. A good day or something unexpected can make me see that it isn’t all that bad and that maybe life is better and less confining that I think it is. Because, it is true. It is.
There are all these things that are happening and that are in my favour… It’s just a matter of appreciating them; seeing them.
I don’t see a single tree in a forest.
I wonder if this is depression. It sounds like it… Maybe I am just bored? See… That’s something I am worrying about. What if I have this mental illness in me and I am too afraid to see a professional? What if this is just normal for everyone and they call it boredom?
There is definitely something wrong with me. I do like my moods… I mean, there is not much choice. It’s me. It’s in me. I think a lot. Too much? I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t get my thoughts straight at the moment. Maybe I should step away for a while.
Friday night was amazing. I thought the dark veil would lift. It didn’t. I am still not well. And I feel abandoned with this. I am expected to function. To be. To live. And to be happy. But I can’t be. And I don’t know why…
Maybe the same person who found the light in me in September 2015 switched it off when he left a year later in September 2016. Maybe he broke me. But it would be too easy to blame someone else. It is me.
Every raindrop on my skin
Reminds me of you
Of the sweat and its drops on me
Every teardrop kept inside
Reminds me of you
Of the best memories we shared
Every raindrop soaks my soul
The way you seeped into me
When we shared the sheets
Every teardrop shed in lost hope
Becomes an ocean
Drowning me whenever I forget to swim
Drops of us. Rain forever in my soul. Tears of happiness. Drops of you. All of you. Inside all of me.
I know you are there
but I don’t know where
I’m trying to find you in the dark
To feel your presence in my heart.
Staring out into the cold
Reaching for your hand to have and to hold
Our love has gone away
There was no valuable reason to make it stay.
And while the world keeps turning
my soul keeps yearning
for you – who completed my lost mind
and to whom my heart was assigned.
Darkness in her eyes
swallowing the light
Whenever life means well
Old wounds begin to swell.
The misery still unspoken
The nightmares reawoken.
A never disappearing sadness
Vanishing into never fading blackness.