Just some thoughts.

I am tired of needing to be seen.
I want to own an invisible cloak.

And that’s why I don’t tag my posts on here. If I am found so be it. Yes, I share some of these posts on Twitter and that goes against what I said. Knowing though that I only reach two or three people by sharing, I feel safe enough here. Sure,closing my Wattpad account made me resort to this place to share my thoughts. And that’s good. I need that. But I don’t ask for the same amount of attention and validation. And that’s a good lesson and exercise for me.

I thought that I would doubt my decision by now,but I don’t. Makes me kind of proud. I will only miss one person I met on there one of the very first too, but if they want to find me, they will. I am not hidden nor hiding.

Welcome in this new chapter of Cathy’s journey. 🙂

I wash my skin clean of you

I’m in the shower scrubbing my skin until it’s raw.
I want to see your feigned feelings being washed down the drain, but all I see is nothingness.
I snort. How fitting?! Your feelings for me and the nothingness vanishing in a hole.
But I keep scrubbing my skin.
I want to be rid of the imprints you left on me and I need them to get off me before they stay for good.
I don’t want you to get under my skin but maybe it’s already too late.

And as I close my eyes and raise my head to be pelted by the shower spray, I understand that I will never be cleaned of you. Too many years. Too many memories. Too many words. Written and spoken. Too much of everything. You are in me. You are on me. No water and no soap can wash you off me.

Please stay

You came into my life and took everything and more. Until I was empty and lost. Then you left.
I fell in a deep hole but I also came out stronger and happier than I had been before.

You came back into my life unexpectedly and again you took everything and more. Until I was an empty vessel. Then you left.
I fell in hate, that time, but it didn’t last and I was strong and happy again.

And I know you will come back again and I will give you everything and more. Until I am needy and greedy and ask for you in return. Then you will vanish again.
I am selfish and see what you take and what I gave. What if you need the time to digest my overwhelming self?

And so I wait and pray you stay away.
I wait and wish that next time you will stay.

I closed the door

Sometimes, you need to pack your bags and leave.
That’s exactly what I did today. I left a site that ignited my passion for writing and kept the spark ablaze for a long time.
Lately, it felt like a burden. Unable to produce anything of substance, I felt under pressure, by readers who asked for more and by myself. Truth is, writing should never be a chore.
And so, after I had the Wattpad detox, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to close my account. At first I only removed my short stories. No one reacted to that. Then I began to save all my poems – because many of them were written on the app and I didn’t have a backup of them. It was important though to keep them. They show me, who I am, and my state of mind at this time or another. The poems aren’t autobiographical and yet I know which one I wrote at what particular time. I guess every writer knows those things.
And then this morning, without saying goodbye to anyone, I just left. No fuss. No tears or doubts. It was the right choice. For now.

xx
Cathy

Blank space used up with meaningless words and pointless points

I made it about me when in truth it was all about you.
I’m sorry I didn’t see you while it was exactly what I was demanding you do.

Regret

I am burning.
Naked
Rotting flesh.
Regret
Devouring me from within.

I love you
I hate you
I need you
I leave you.

I am fading to dust.
Wind
Scattered soul.
Lost
Fragments of my future self.

The rain is a symphony on your skin.
A melancholic melody.
A song for you and me.
What-could-have-beens become wasted opportunities.
Forever longing for memories we didn’t have the time to make.