Month: April 2015

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we were lovers

we were lovers in the morning
graced by the eternal sun.
lust had brought us together,
but it couldn’t save us through love’s autumn.

we were lovers in the afternoon
clinging to how it had started,
ignoring how distance and silence crept in
leaving us both broken-hearted.

we were lovers in the evening
nothing left of the careless bliss.
tears and insults were the result.
Was this our last kiss?

we were lovers in the night
hidden in the dark
rekindling lost feelings
with an intimate walk in the park.

we were lovers
not able to stay apart
I was the addict and you were the drug
it probably wasn’t very smart.

we were lovers forever and always
sharing the best of us
what mattered most was,
not being resentful of ancient little cuts.

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Rain-Kissed

There are tears on your cheeks.
Let me lick them away.
I want to taste those salty drops,
Swallow them,
bury them deep within myself;
Just to keep them off your face.
We could lie for a moment
And pretend that they were kisses from the rain.

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River. My River.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
And I stood with my naked feet in the river, feeling your strength pulling at my legs. I knew you would pull me under sooner or later. And it was no surprise when you did. I didn’t stand a chance. I held me breath and I gave up. Without a fight. There was nothing – no one worth fighting for. The noise of the waves breaking above my head was deafening and my heart began to race. I was scared. Afraid. Alone too. And yet, I couldn’t swim. Because I knew that you wouldn’t be there waiting for me at the shore. You wouldn’t save me. You weren’t there the moment I needed you most. I closed my eyes and let my body float. Weightless. The water took care of me. I pretended to be ready to be taken and held my breath. But I was not. I was not ready to lose. I was not ready to go.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
For a moment I considered praying. But what good would it do? I don’t believe. Not in God. Just in you. And I refused to ask for help. Just like I always do. My lungs were burning and my feet began to move. My legs began to tread water. With all my might, I pushed myself out of the river’s grip and took a deep breath of fresh air.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
Trembling and crying hot tears, I did my best to swim to the safety of the pebbled beach. Waves were still lapping at my legs and it was cold. So cold. My breath froze in the evening air, forming little clouds around me. I closed my eyes. So tired. Too tired. But my mind was cold and my bones were freezing. Sleep was not near. No redemption for me. The winter sun set behind the trees and the night sky became dark. Black. No moon. No stars. Hopeless, just like me. The world was eerily quiet, except for the waves of the river singing a soothing song. Just for me. Only for me.

River. My river. Safety and threat.
I couldn’t keep from shaking and my mind – my thoughts, they belonged to you. A serenity claimed me and heat spread around my heart like a warm blanket. I opened my eyes and I saw you. Felt your presence.
I can see you. You are the light. You are the love. You came to get me. My heart ached, but it was also filled with joy. My lungs burned with every breath I took, but it all went away the moment I took your hand. Completed by you. Filled by you. I became aware that this, this was my final moment. My last breath. My end. And I spent it with you.
River. My River.

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Suicide gone wrong

The noose pulls tighter around your neck.
It makes you wish you could take it all back.
The rope cuts into your skin
And you see the fire that you’ve set in the bin.
Your memories are ablaze
While your thoughts are trying to figure out how to exit the maze.
You don’t see the legs of the chair give in and bend.
“Fuck” you think, “I am not ready to meet my end.”
That realization, I’m afraid,
came one, two, three, four minutes too late.

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memories are fading

The taste of your name lingered for too long on my lips,
and I felt the imprint you have left in every nooks, crannies and dips.
But the memory,
it is fading.

I once loved you with all my might,
that was before everything we did turned into a fight.
But the memory,
it is fading.

You were so special to me,
fulfilled all my wishes without me needing to plea.
But the memory,
it is fading.

We are history in an old book,
days long gone, only just a distant brook.
But the memory,
it is fading.

The memory of all the good we had,
it is slowly replacing the bad.
We will never meet again,
never relive all the pain.

Falling stars and fading scars,
I can still hear you and your guitar.
But it is okay, you know it is.
It was necessary, in order to find bliss.

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repentance offers no redemption

she walked a thin line with her arms outstretched
leaning this way and that
it was a struggle to keep life in balance.

he danced around her
pushing her from one side
catching her from the other.

push and shove
twist and turn
hero and tormentor

their love was perfect on the outside
a failure on the inside
and the pressure pulled her apart.

he was her soul mate
for no more than two weeks
by then, she was in too deep.

manipulation was his daily feat
making her small to feel tall
and she – she thought she deserved it all.

for months it went on
on her knees, she tried to repent her former life
but there was no sign of redemption in sight.

in her misery all she knew was to take a knife.
it was her clear intention to end a life,
his or hers? both of them alike.

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with arms wide open

I opened my arms
I opened my doors.
I tried to catch you
when I saw you stumble
I tried to catch you
when you fell.

You ran and ran and ran
Your eyes fixed on me.
And you ran and ran and ran
Straight past me.
I turned around to see
I saw you in the arms of someone else – not me.

I had opened my heart
I had opened my doors
I offered you everything I had
But it was never enough
Maybe too much?

I stood my ground
Never leaving you out of sight.
‘You are family’ I once said and meant it too.
Now I am tired to fight,
For you to see me too.

I opened my arms
And I opened my doors.
I became blind to the truths
One of them is that I am expandable to you.

And while I mourn a friendship that never was
I see you flirting with others – en masse.
You see, I need more than a weekly smile.
I need to talk and be happy once in while.

I opened my heart
And I opened my arms.
I invited you in and wanted you there
Seeing you leave is almost a reason for despair.

Almost…
Because I am stronger than that.
Maybe crazy too?
I still believe in us – in you.
I’d love to know that you do too.

I opened my arms
And I opened my doors.
In the grant scheme of it all,
I know that you will never turn to me when you fall.

It is sad really
And driving me mad nearly.
But I can’t make you love me – need me.
It’s just – I miss what we could have had. Clearly.

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My dream is to…

Record Store Day made me think of a couple of things. My mind works in weird ways and so, my thoughts never work linear and they are rarely relatable for others.
Well, Record Store Day… It made me think about want vs need. My money is very tight right now. There were a couple of unexpected expenses (like my car getting fixed up and stuff). Record Store Day was a tease and a threat for my tight budget. All those wonderful artists and bands who put out limited editions of their merchandise. Signed stuff at an affordable price… It could have been heaven… But… Yes, money made me think twice. It’s so easy to click buy and type your PayPal password. Too easy and too tempting. Oh, there were things I wanted. Really very much. But I don’t need them. A bit crushed and still proud, I avoided those BandCamp shops. That’s a lie! I did check how many of the limited editions were left. But I stayed strong. I don’t need these things. They make me happy for a while, but I don’t need them. It’s nice to have them, but they are not vital. And that is something I have to repeat to myself again and again.
You don’t need this… And like a little pouting child my mind answers But I want it. It’s golden and nice and look… 😉

Another thought that came from Record Store Day was to look up how many record stores are left in Luxembourg. The answer is, a handful. True, nowadays records can be bought at grocery shops, gas stations or at other places we pass daily… So maybe there is no need for more? And of course, online shops are convenient too… It’s sad though.

Here is something not many people know about me:
I really want to open a café or bar. I want to sell music and have live bands on weekends. Weeknights too, why not? A small festival in the summer… I want to sell records too at that café/bar. Maybe have booths were music can be listened…. And I know it’s nothing new. I also know that finding a location (not too far out, but far enough to not have close neighbors because of the live music) is not easy and all in all, who is crazy enough to open something new in this economical times and anyway, I don’t want my kids to grow up in a bar and yet…
And yet… It’s still a dream and maybe one day… When I am old and wrinkly and when my hearing starts to fail, I will do it. Right now I have 1001 excuses why I shouldn’t risk it and to be honest, it’s nice to only dream about something and adding new crazy bits to that dream once in a while. Music is something that I am passionate about.

Because let’s be honest! There is nothing better in this world than music and supporting those who make it. 🙂

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in tune with you

You don’t know how you changed my life.
Stirred my mind.
My soul.

Come to me soul brother.
I want to lose myself in you.
In lust.

Your melody is branded in my brain.
Can we dance together?
Become one.

I am yearning for us to meet again.
Truth is, we have never met.
Meet me!

I believe that you aren’t but a dream to me.
Reveal yourself?
Please do.

We could be good together, I know.
I am in tune with you
See me too.

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Sleepless

Sing me to sleep
Take me away on your wings
And throw me into the darkness that lingers in the pits of my dreams.

Darkness?
No. No darkness today. Tonight.
A clarity and a sense of understanding are making me float.

Clarity?
Yes. Thoughts fell into place today. Tonight.
A touchless embrace and a river of empathy are making me float.

Sing me to sleep
Lift the tired veil
And reveal the shining light that guides me through my life.