frozen heart

I am hidden in a place far away

with my heart and soul locked in a chest

I am afraid, to open it again and give away the key

too hurt, too shocked to move and to act

 

feeding me your words

I was listening

fading out the truth and the world

I was caught in your web

 

I never felt this strong

yet this weak before

Never was so sure of my worth

yet never doubted my words as much before either

 

Now I know, that yours were a lie

it’s all over

you threw me away

as soon as I started to stand up for myself

 

I woke up

I am back to reality

and I am grateful for the shove you gave me

It opened my eyes – just in time

 

In hindsight, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way

Icicles around my heart will melt

the hurt will fade

the lesson I’ve learned will stay with me for a long time.

 

You left me out in the cold

but there are people who care

people who cover me

and take my frozen hands.

 

I hold my head up high

and look at my reflection without regret

everything happens for a reason

even the events that threatened to freeze my heart.

awake

I spoke to you in the dark

in my dream you found me

you took my fears away

lifted the veil from my eyes.

 

You held my hand

while I was tumbling down a long road

caught me, when I fell

and you loved me.

 

I looked into your eyes

and saw the love you had for me

you helped me find what I was searching

I found my home deep inside your heart.

 

I found you in my dream

but you are still there, even when I am awake.

dream coming true…

ever since I started writing, one of my goals was to publish one of my books and right now, it looks like that dream is about to come true. Until I get there though, it is still a long way. Right now, my plan is to try self-publishing. A friend guided me in the right direction and it seems, that right now is the right moment for me to try it out.
It’s not easy, but I am willing to give it my all. I know, that I have a good story. Good length, well written (for a non-native English speaker) engaging lead characters and lots and lots of drama.
That story has been my baby and I want to share it with the world. I asked two people to read it through and help me find the mistakes that I am too blind to see by now. I asked them to point out plot holes or lengths and give any input they have, to help me make an even better story.

There are still a couple of things missing though and they are very important too:
1. a pen name – Do I need a pen name or do I want to publish with my real name? Do I want my real name out there for everyone to know? How about C A Thrine? See what I did there?! I am not sure… Thoughts?

2. a cover – I need a good cover, one that suits the story, without revealing too much. I have a great cover… but I can’t use it to publish. I had a look at some professionally made covers and although the cover I saw was really amazing and had it all, it was expensive too. £100 for 3 years. Don’t get me wrong, the pic was worth it, but I don’t have that kind of money right now and since I have no idea if there will be readers in the end, 125€ are simply too much. 😦 *sad pout*

3. and then there is this and that and little things that become bigger things 😉

Now, I am happy, terrified, thrilled, anxious… my emotions are all over the place, but I am mostly happy and proud…

wish me luck 🙂 I’ll keep you up to date about it 🙂

xx

Cathy

lost

my mind is lost
clogged with thoughts
where did I go wrong?
how many times should I say I’m sorry?

I care a lot. Too much?
But I feel lost
there is no peace in my mind
I’m running in circles

and I can’t break free
am I really that bad?
I never thought I was
and now I’m lost

lost in thought
lost in an empty space that once was filled with you
lost, when one word coming from you could make me emerge again

keep your eyes on the tide

I kept my eyes on the tide and saw the waves crash around my naked feet. The water was cold, but I stood up anyway. The cold beguiled me to come closer and I did. Step after step, the water around me got higher and the sand beneath my feet pushed through in between my toes. My nakedness didn’t shield me from the cold November day, as goosebumps arose on my skin. Every other day, I would have turned around to get out of the cold and warm myself and my weary body. But today wasn’t any other day. Today was the anniversary. My teeth began to clatter and I felt my body tremble to try and preserve what little heat was still inside. My waist long hair began sticking to my back and I walked on. I couldn’t bear the loss anymore. My hands lay on the water, feeling the waves and the gentle movements of them. The dark water called my name and I followed the call. Nothing made sense in the days and weeks without you. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I stopped and opened my eyes again. Was I really ready to go on? I remembered how you always told me not to doubt myself this much. The sea was wilder now and the waves that crashed against my body weren’t gentle anymore. They hurt like whippings. The salt burned in my eyes. I rubbed them, but it was to no avail. It only got worse. I gave up. This was my fate now. I gulped and I coughed, as some of the water found a way into my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but I had already swallowed a mouthful. It reminded me faintly of that soup you once made for us. You had put too much salt in it and we laughed about it for weeks.
Another step. Yes. The darkness, became a lightness. A lightness, that made me float. I lost my footing and had no other choice than go with the flow. I would not swim. I would not fight. I let it take me. Claim me. Darkness wiped all the bad memories away.
-^–^–^-
I sit by my window looking outside. I am grounded once again. My mom caught me looking at porn. I’m thirteen and curious and I have internet. I am not a kid anymore. The day is grey and clouds hide the sun, it has no chance to shine. I listen to the waves that hit the shore and let the sound calm me. I am used to the sound, but some days, it calms me more than others. I am nervous – anxious, but I don’t know why. I put my chin in the palm of my hand to support my head. I am tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. I worried too much. Not only about my mom, but also about life and death and being a teenager and an adult.
That feeling in my stomach, that something terrible is about to happen refused to be calmed at night and even today, it is still there. Persisting. I yawn and then I see her. A woman. Her hair is long and brown. Is she naked? She is too far away to tell, but maybe she wears one of these modern nude colored bathing suits that I saw in my mom’s fashion magazines. I don’t know. Her hair stands in dark contrast to her skin or the piece of cloth she wears. I see her walking right towards the water. The thought of it makes me shudder. It must be freezing. It’s cold outside on this day in November. I watch her walking on and see the sea lap at her calves and thighs. I wonder, if I should call the police or an ambulance, but I don’t do it. It’s none of my business anyway. I am just a grounded child. Who would believe me anyway. I just sit on my windowsill and watch the sea swallow the woman. And suddenly, she is gone. Completely gone. I can’t see her anymore.
I assume that she went back to the shore and I turn my back on the scene too. The queasiness I felt before is gone. The anxiety is gone too. I sit on my bed and turn up the volume of my music. I fall asleep. I let my dreams take me. Claim me. Darkness wipes all the bad memories away.

–^–^–^-
Inspired by this song:

Love Is A Bird To Carry Us by T E Morris

Today, something else. A little interesting project that shows us how to be creative while releasing your music.

For six weeks, T E Morris shared a picture on his instagram account and that, every Monday. Nothing special about that, I hear you say. And you are right, but in every week’s description of said picture was a link to a song. Every week a new song was uploaded on SoundCloud and finally, last Monday the last picture and thous the last song was posted and it completed an album called “Love Is A Bird To Carry Us”. You can listen to it here:

http://soundcloud.com/temorris/sets/love-is-a-bird-to-carry-us

Or, like the good people I know you are, you can go to bandcamp and buy it.

https://olynkarecords.bandcamp.com/album/love-is-a-bird-to-carry-us
There are several options to chose from, but I am sure that you will find what suits you best.

Let me finish this post by saying, that these 6 songs are great. Different yet again, because of the use of electronics, but great nonetheless. One song that stood out for me personally was mettle
By the way, the physical copy of the album will have one additional track.

Enjoy this little album and don’t forget to reward the artist for his hard work.

xx

Cathy