you came to me in my dream
and somehow I knew,
that I had to find you.
you came to me in my dream
and my life became a tormenting haunt, a lifelong journey
just to be with you.
you came to me in my dream
and found your way into my soul with such force,
that I knew I could live forever just to feel you.
you came to me in my dream
and even though you were chasing my sleep, you left no doubt,
that my love for you is real.
I want to be somebody’s world.
I want to be somebody’s everything.
I want to be somebody’s light.
I want to be somebody you need.
I want to be somebody you care about.
I want to be somebody you turn to, first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
I want to be somebody you can always count on.
I want to be somebody who is more important to you than anyone else.
I want to be somebody you can laugh with.
I want to be somebody who makes you happy.
I want to be somebody who you’ll miss whenever I’m not near.
I want to be somebody.
“Questions for Cathy; some random, serious or to hopefully make you smile.”
Personal questions:
Your best friend:
That’s easy, because I only have less than a handful of friends in total.
My best female friend is a woman I’ve known for 16 years now. We met in school and we have not many similarities at all. But despite our differences, I love her to bits and I know, that she’ll always be there for me, no matter what.
First crush:
A boy called Yann and who was/is a year older than me. I was 9 and he was 10. He’s also the reason I wear my watch and the right wrist. 🙂 Yann was a twin. His brother was never as gorgeous as he was, but most girls disagreed with me on that. He had blonde hair and brown eyes. Really dark eyes and a wicked smile.
Hot or cold
My tea should be hot. Beer should be cold as should be white wine. My feet should be neither too hot or too cold. My bath is scalding and my coffee lukewarm. I like dry and cold winter days as much as I like rainy summer days.
Biggest regret
I don’t believe in regrets, but if I would allow myself one, it would be that I rushed into many things and therefor settled for less.
Favorite person
My husband. He’s a great friend. Makes me laugh so much and he makes me happy. The moment our romantic feelings will become less, I know that we will remain good friends. He supports me silently. And lets me live my life the way I want to live it. He doesn’t cage me.
Favorite thing to do
Sitting down with a good book, a glass of chilled white wine (or hot maté tea), my favorite music in the background and diving into a story, forgetting life for a brief period of time
Worst thing to do
scrubbing toilets
Goal in life
Finding happiness and a state of serenity within myself, that I can preserve even in times of inner darkness.
Favorite song
Running up that hill by Kate Bush
Favorite poem
If you forget me – Pablo Neruda
What makes you happy?
Music. Falling leaves. My kids. Seeing others succeed. Sunrise. Little things that I didn’t expect – aka surprises. Art. Sleeping in. A message in my mailbox from people I like. Stormy weather, that tousles through my long hair…
Do you live by certain rules?
Yes! Part of those rules are: no regrets… choose carefully… you always have a choice… never get up with the left foot first… always put CDs back in their original case… always tell the truth… be kind… be honest… never judge a book by it’s cover and many many more…
Favorite male and female celebrity?
I like Matthew Rhys and Christian Slater. Female, I’d say Angelina Jolie (because she is passionate and fearless. She stands up for her principles, is strong and still vulnerable) and Emma Thompson.
Role model (famous or non-famous)
I honestly don’t know. There are so many inspiring people all around the world and most of the would be good role models, but in the end, the most important thing is to find my own way.
Writing
Which of your stories would you publish? Why?
That’s a no-brainer. Definitely “When The Right Door Opens”. It’s a good story without clichés. The characters, although flawed, are lovable. The end is unpredictable and unusual too. Maybe it’s only because it’s the one of my books that were the most successful when I first posted it here on Wattpad or maybe, because the story just flowed out of my fingers. The story has since found a home at http://www.tablo.io
Where do your ideas come from?
A sentence in a book can inspire an entire character for me. A line of lyrics can set the mood for a story. A visual in a movie can make me want to write a story.
Why romance/ mxm?
Hm… I never really thought about why I write romance. My romance has a heavy side of drama too. I don’t know. And mxm… well, I started writing fanfiction for a TV show called Brothers & Sisters and it had a gay couple. I did some research on the actors and the whole new world of fanfiction suddenly lay at my feet. After asking someone to write a story for me with an idea I had, she pushed me to write it myself and so, one day, I sat down and wrote. That was the start. 2 years ago. Before that, I only wrote poems or lyrics to songs.
I kind of stuck with mxm and when I started creating my own characters for a challenge (these characters were Darragh and Callum from “A Long Journey To Love”) it really took off.
What’s your spelling/grammar like?
It’s not the best, but not the worst either. I learned English grammar in school, but that’s a long time ago. It’s not perfect, but I give my best. I also write lots of typos, even more so when I am tired. I try to correct them and always work with a spellchecker and a translator in the back, but some things just fly under the radar.
How long does it take to finish your writing?
If it is a one-shot and I am really inspired, I can write really quick. A short story can be written in 2 hours plus time to edit it. A long story with multiple chapters usually takes me around 3 months to finish, but that is the rawest draft and without being edited.
What do you look for in a story?
As a reader, I am very visual. If the writer can show me the story rather than tell it, I am sold. I want strong characters who are no stereotypes and a story line that is refreshing and not like every second story I find. I can read a book in a day or two, if I am really interested in the story. I am one of those who has trouble setting down a good book before it is finished.
Would you prefer to write on paper or electronic equipment?
My poems and lyrics are all written on paper. Some ideas and chapters for stories have been on paper too, but I also like to write on my laptop. My typing has improved a lot recently.
Paperback or Ebook?
Paperback.
Bonus question
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?
I would try to be happier and less withdrawn.
You are waiting to see me fail
with your claws out and your mouths hungry
You are waiting for me to fall
with your arms crossed and your face in distortion
You are waiting for me to ask for help
with refusals on your tongue and your nose scrunched up in disgust
You are waiting for me to cry
with a sneer on your face and destructive words forming in your throat
I struggle, but I won’t let you see me fail.
I should go to sleep and let the darkness claim me, but you won’t let me
I should cling to the serenity I felt these last days, but you won’t let me
I should be myself and stand up for myself, but you won’t let me
you won’t let me, but I need to
I beg you, please don’t drag me down
Please don’t pull me under
I could spend my days blissfully unaware of all the inner turmoil, but you won’t let me
I ask you and I beg and plead – let me go, but you won’t let me
I steal myself away from you and I feel you slip away, but I won’t let you
memories
powerful in the deepest recess of my mind
and I remember, it was not you, it was me
you wanted me to set you free, but I didn’t let you
In time you’ll see
see what?
What does it have to do with anything?
anything can happen at all time
time will heal your wounds
wounds turn into scars
scars remind us that the past is real
real love is hard to find
find inner peace
peace can only come from within yourself
your self-esteem is pulling you under
under your spell everything was better
better safe than sorry
sorry seems to be the hardest word
words are sharp tools
tools for fools
fool if you think it’s over
over mountains and hills I would drive to find you
you’ll see in time
This needs a warning. It contains a little sexual content. Gay sex to be precise…
A blessing in disguise
As soon as the digits on my clock turned to 5:00 PM, I dropped my pen, turned off my computer and the little lamp on my desk and left the office. It was Friday afternoon and there was nothing that would keep me from going home to my boyfriend. Nothing. He worked shifts and with a little luck, I would have one hour with him tonight before he had to be at work. On my way to the elevator, I saw my boss speaking to one of my colleagues. He waved with papers and pointed at documents, that’s when I decided to run the other way. He was one of those guys, who could coax you into staying late or coming in on a Saturday, without even being aware of it, until you said you’d be there and couldn’t back out of it. I had been trapped in his little games often enough, but not today. I took the stairs, two at a time and when I was in the lobby, I greeted the doorman on my way out. As soon, as my foot touched the pavement, the sky opened up and it began to rain. No, it wasn’t raining, it was pouring. I decided that a little rain wouldn’t be enough to keep me away from my partner. Smiling, I tried to wave for a cab, but they all ignored me. With a sigh, I held my briefcase over my head and with the other hand, I tried to keep my coat closed as much as possible, I made my way on foot to the next subway. The wind was taking up and blew the cool rain right into my face and my mood shifted. From happy and hopeful to foul and pissed off. I had to wait at a crossing for the little green man to appear and announce that it was safe to cross the road and right in that moment, a truck drove through a huge hole that was filled with rain. It splashed out and in a matter of seconds, I was soaked. I was contemplating to shouting my displeasure out form the top of my lungs, but I refrained form doing it. I let the briefcase drop down at my side and my shoulders slumped. If this was any indicator of how my weekend would go on, I was down on my luck. My phone buzzed and while crossing the street, I took it out to see that I had a message from David. David – my partner for the last seven years.
reflections of an unquiet mind 