You

you dry the tears on my face

you heal the wounds on my soul

you wreck the walls around my lonely heart

you see me, even when I try to hide away

you understand me, without words

you wake me up, from all of my bad dreams

you chase away my fears

you hold me, when I need to be held

you love me, every day

you give me yourself

for all that, I give you myself and my undying love

–^–^–

I wrote this, this morning and when I was finished with the last words, the cynic in me came out once again and challenged the words “undying love” Is there even such a thing? I don’t know, but I know, that for a brief moment, I meant what I wrote. And tonight, when I share this on this blog, I am a believer too.

❤ micqu

the sunrise

And as she sat on her porch, enveloped in a nice warm cardigan, watching the sunrise, a sudden blissful feeling entered her. She pulled the cardigan tighter around herself and exhaled deeply. Her breath froze in the cold morning air. The blissful feeling intensified and slowly lowered itself onto her, like the morning dew lowers on the leaves of grass. Like a thin veil, it heated her heart from within. Her stomach fluttered and a small smile tugged at her lips. It was a rare occurrence. To smile and be alone. She had no idea what was happening, as she continued to see the golden orb shower the sky in different beautiful shades of orange and rose. She pulled her knees up on her chair on rested her chin on them. Her brown hair fell over her shoulders and into her face, almost like a curtain and she brushed it behind her ear, just like she had done so many times in her life. She soaked up the quiet and beautiful scenery. A moment of calm. A moment of happiness, in a life that was hectic and dappled with sadness. She could feel the energy that was setting free in her body and straightened her spine. Her fingers absentmindedly played with a loose threat at the hem of her cardigan, while she continued watching the sun rise. It was rising higher with every passing moment. The orange and the rose slowly faded and the beautiful spectacle mother nature played out every morning, became the ordinary everyday sky.

She exhaled again deeply, putting her feet back on the ground. Her smile was fading too. Her thoughts were already starting to take over again, making shopping lists, remembering different schedules and appointments. Her phone buzzed close to her and a new smile broke out on her face. She had been waiting for that message.

“Good morning, dear. Are you watching the sunrise too?”

A simple question, but it helped chasing the remains of a bad mood and preserve the fragile bliss and energy, she had just soaked in. She didn’t answer right away. Instead, she walked inside and went straight to the kitchen. She poured herself a mug of her favorite tea, that she had brewed before and blew the steam from the mug. She took a long sip, suddenly sure, that this would be a great day. She put down the mug and took out her phone.

“Yes love, I’ve seen it too.” she smiled and put the phone away again, diving in her daily chores and routines, thinking that it is true, that we share the same sun and the same sky.

 

IMG_20140304_072624375_HDR

My last mistake, my last goodbye (short story)

Ronny felt it. This time he had succeeded. This time, no one would come and save him. This time, he wouldn’t have to endure the walk of shame down his high school’s corridors the next Monday. Fingers pointing at him. People talking about him as if he wouldn’t hear it. Pitying looks from the teachers and the fussing of his own mother over him. As if she was not to blame. She and her homophobic slurs and the degrading way she spoke about the girls from school, as if they were all sluts who jumped the boys to get pregnant and ruined their lives. She, who looked away every night, when the beast showed up in his room and laid hand on an innocent boy.

He would never need to hear any of them again. Never see any of them again. They didn’t know a single thing about him and yet, they thought they had him all figured out. They had not. Far from it.

At school, they said, he was gay. Nobody said it right to his face but he heard the whispers when he walked down the halls. He wasn’t gay. No, he even liked girls. But most of them only seemed to see him as a freak.

So his hair was dyed jet black with blue streaks. So he wore only black tight clothes and liked accessories like his belt with the silver skulls. So he wore make-up and nail polish. All that didn’t make him gay. Lusting after Jared Leto… well, who wasn’t lusting after that man, it didn’t make him gay either. Jared Leto was cool and a very good singer and actor. With huge blue eyes and such a beautiful lean and trim body, it almost hurt to look at him. And sometimes, Ronny jerked off, looking at the giant poster on his wall, but that didn’t make him gay. Or so Ronny wanted to make himself believe. Because deep down inside, he knew the truth. Getting a hard on in the showers at the gym, while watching Ivan Romanov lathering himself up, was perfectly normal too. Ogling that perfect bubbly ass, when he bend over and storing these images away for the nights, when his father would show up uninvited and unannounced, that didn’t make him gay. It made him a surviver. But deep down inside, Ronny knew that it was a lie. A beautiful lie.

But all that didn’t matter anyway. It didn’t matter anymore.

Tears made their way out of his eyes. He brushed them away angrily. Another evidence to show how weak he really was. But he was not weak. He had the courage to end his own life. Who could say that about himself? No one… because no one lived to tell about it and those who survived simply hadn’t tried hard enough or they hadn’t wanted it hard enough. Ronny wanted it. He wanted to vanish and leave this world behind. He wasn’t afraid of death anymore.

But he had regrets. All those letters he had written to Ivan anonymously. He would never get an answer to them and Ivan would never know who sent them. It didn’t matter anymore anyway. Ronny would never learn what it meant to be loved and love in return. He would never learn how it felt to be in love. All he knew was unrequited love.

At least he didn’t die a virgin. Ronny wasn’t thinking about the virginity he had lost to his father when he was a young boy. This had not been his choice. He had been thinking about the ways he had lost his virginity willingly and maybe a bit manipulative too. A smile crept on his face. He would never be forgotten, of that he was sure.

Mister Ross, his gymnastic teacher had been a bit rough at first, but it wasn’t too bad. It had hurt, but shoving such a huge tube up his tight ass was not supposed to feel good. Ronny got used to it though and yes, he loved it. But he would never admit it. Mister Ross was seriously hung and when he wanted to speak to Ronny in private, Ronny knew that it was time for him to seize the moment. Carpe Diem. Ronny had fantasized about this situation more than once. It was a fantasy come true and it had been a scene that could have belonged into a porn movie. Mister Ross had been very receptive to his advances, it had almost been to easy for it all to happen. Of course Ronny now had leverage against his gym teacher and so he had coaxed him into fucking him more than once more.

But Ronny had also fucked a girl Chelsea Rosenthal. It had merely been to prove himself, that he was not gay, but that had not been fun. It was hard work to keep his dick up and hard, very different from when he fantasized about Jared Leto or was fucked by Coach Ross. It had helped, when he had slipped his finger inside his ass though. Chelsea had not noticed it. She had been under him anyway and had her eyes closed the whole time. It didn’t matter to Ronny either way and as soon as he had finished, he got dressed and got out, not caring if it had been good for her too. After that, he avoided her at school and didn’t answer his phone. A clingy girl was not what he needed. Having sex with men and women was only another box checked on his “to do before I die” list.

Ronny felt his eyes getting heavier and he became unbearably tired. The sleeping pills finally kicked in. His parents where far away in Palms Springs, visiting his sick aunt Rita and he had the whole weekend to himself. Two bottles of whiskey where gone. It was hardly feasible to drink the amber liquid without gagging. How could grown ups drink so much of it without even wincing? He knew his father drank a lot of that stuff.  His breath always raked from it. The pills, they where from his mother’s stash. A legal drug. It made Ronny smile. This time, he wouldn’t leave a mess and it wouldn’t leave any scars. No bloodstains for his mother to scrub. He would appear to be asleep, when they got home, but he would never wake up again.

He wouldn’t be touched again at night. Waking up with that big hairy hand on his dick. If he was gay, it was only because of his father. And even if he had let Coach Ross fuck him, it didn’t make him gay. He couldn’t be. He didn’t want to be.

The note in his hand slipped to the floor. He was unable to close his hand and grab it to keep it from falling. Soundless, it hit the floor.

It was hard to breathe all of a sudden and Ronny started to panic. He held Jared Leto’s gaze. It was like an anchor. The last person he would see in life. There was so much he wanted to do in his life. So much to achieve. So much that still needed to be done and why he deserved to be alive. Becoming a lawyer. Seeing Thirty Seconds to Mars live in concert. Seeing Dallas Buyers Club at the movies. Going to the gym and putting on some muscles. Making love. Falling in love and being loved in return. Having children. A dog. A big one. Kissing. Being kissed with real passion.

Ronny fell asleep. Dreamless sleep. Seamlessly going from sleeping to dying. One last unconscious breath. The light of sixteen year old Ronald Burns gone out. Death at his own hand.

“Dear Mom and Dad,

I waited for you to leave. I’ve got a lot that’s on my mind and I can not breathe anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. You deserve a better son. Tell Coach Ross that it’s not his fault and Chelsea Rosenthal’s either. Tell Ivan (Romanov) that the anonymous letters are from me. At last, I need to admit it. I love him.

Mom… I hate you for always looking the other way. You could have saved me from the beast. But I don’t blame you. I love you too. You gave me the life that I am taking away myself again.

Dad… I hate you. You touched me like no father should touch his son. The smell of alcohol from your breath will always disgust me. But I also love you. You are my daddy. From the seed that you planted in my ass daily, I sprung. Is that the circle of life?

I am sorry that I am not the son you wanted me to be, but take solace in these words… I will never fuck up again. This is my last mistake and my last goodbye.

Ronald James Burns (Ronny)”  

you are different

 

I wake up feeling warm and cozy and safe. I shift a little away from you, to get more comfortable and to watch you. Carefully I disentangle myself from you and hope that I won’t wake you up. I like to watch you when you sleep. I like to watch you when you are awake too, but I have never seen you like this before and I want to memorize these moments. I want to store the peaceful look on your face away for later use. I want to remember the way the sun illuminates your skin.

The birds are singing outside the window and the blinds, that were closed in a hast the night before, now let in the first rays of the sun that bathes you in a golden light. Your chest raises rhythmically and the air leaving your slightly parted lips caresses my bare skin over and over again. I never liked the feeling of someone breathing on me, but with you it’s different. A lot of things are different with you. My fingers itch to touch the tattoos on your skin, but I am afraid that I would wake you up. It’s not time yet.

Your arm is stretched out over your head and half hidden by the pillow that supports your head, while your hands are curled into loose fists. I look at your peaceful face again. You look serene and happy, a small smile is on your lips and I wonder what you are dreaming about. Are you dreaming about me? Whatever it is, it seems to be something good. My gaze travels from your hair and eyes further down, your stubble is slowly growing into a light ginger beard. I love it and I’d like too touch it, but I don’t want to wake you, not yet, you deserve your sleep. I never had a thing for beards or ginger men, but with you, it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

You start shifting and move to your back. Your eyes are still closed and your breathing is still even, but not as deep anymore. For a moment you frown and I can see your eyes move hastily under the closed lids. I know you are fighting against the inevitable moment you’ll wake up and a groan rumbles through your body. The breathing has changed and your muscles aren’t as relaxed anymore. Any moment now, you’ll open your light blue eyes and look at me.

Your eyes are still closed, but you start stretching your limbs. The sheet moves down, revealing your strong legs. Both your arms are lifted above your head and it reminds me of something you did to me the night before. I have to grin at the memory. A memory of complete loss of control, ecstasy, satisfaction and exhaustion. You turn to your side again and you entwine your legs with mine. I never liked the feeling of hairy man legs against mine, but with you it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

With your eyes still closed, you move even closer to me. Touching as much of my body with your’s as you possibly can and finally those pale blue eyes are opened. You are awake and looking at me. The first moment, you look confused, but confusion changes to a bright smile that enlightens your entire face. You pull me closer into your arms, so that our bodies are pressed firmly together. You gently smooth back my long hair from my face and simultaneously, our lips meet for the first time today. There is no urge and no pressure to take this further. We simply lie in bed, touch each other and kiss lazily.

 

A perfect morning after a date. We live in our bubble, kissing our morning breaths away. Not talking too much. Simply being caught up in that perfect moment, enjoying the close presence of each other. I want it to be the first of a long row of mornings like this. The thought scares me for a moment. I never thought about being with a man for the long run, but with you, it’s different. A lot of things are different with you.

 

–^–^–

It’s still a short story, merely 700 words long and it could be read as sequel to “Destination Unkown” and as a prequel to “Rare Bird

destination unknown

 

I was nervous. It wasn’t only the flight, but it was the knowledge, that in a few hours, I would be able to look into his eyes, to hear his real voice, to feel his arms around myself and to smell his scent.

This was not my typical self. I was never the adventurous type, I preferred to live my life as straight and predictably as possible.

But then I met him. A lot of things are different with him. We met on the web. It was never really my world and meeting a man and falling in love? That was for fools only. He made the first step, chatting me up and at first it was only meant to be fun and distracting for me. Banter and flirting, where’s the harm in that? Slowly though, his mails and the photos he send me day after day, became the highlight of my mornings.

 

****

 

The plane started to move and took me out of my memories. Instantly, my hands became clammy. Trees were only a blur anymore and then I got pushed into my seat. Take off. Silent tears streamed down my face. I wasn’t able to stop them and I was too panicked to make a noise. I looked out of the window and I could only see the clear blue sky. I looked past the other passengers in the same row and looked out of the opposite window. I could only see green fields. My hands gripped the armrest, that separated me from the empty seat next to me, until my knuckles were white and my fingers hurt, but I wasn’t ready letting go. And suddenly, the plane seemed to have reached it’s travel height. The tension slowly faded away and I breathed relieved. I was not really afraid to fly, I was panicked for the take off and with no one by my side, to soothe or distract me, the panic was almost overwhelming. Once the plane was up in the air, everything was okay, I had to sit by the window though, I needed to see everything around me.

 

****

 

I gave up my old life for him. I sold everything I couldn’t fit into a few bags, I gave up my job and my flat, only to fly into the unknown. A new continent, a different language, no job, no apartment and I had never met the man in person, who was supposed to take me in and help me get my feet on the ground. What, if he doesn’t like me? What if we don’t get along? And what if he is just some creep?Before I could rile myself up too badly, I felt my eyelids becoming heavy and I slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

 

Next thing I knew, was that a nice flight attended woke me up and asked me to fasten my seat belt. “We are going to land soon.” Had I really slept almost six hours? In a plane? Alone?

 

The plane landed effortlessly and I breathed again. The landing was never as hard for me, as the take off, because of the simple knowledge, that soon there would be solid ground under my feet again. People scrambled together their belongings and made their ways to the exit, where a flight attendant waited and said good-bye to every passenger.

 

As soon as I entered the terminal, my heart began pounding in my chest. The inevitable moment was close. My bags came and I heaved them onto my luggage cart and pushed it to the exit. Ropes separated the newly arrived from the ones being there to pick them up. My heart beat so fast, it threatened to burst my ribcage. I saw people falling into each others arms, crying happy tears and clinging onto each other. Families, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons….

The crowd slowly dissipated and I was still looking for the one who was set to pick me up. Through a group as laughing teenagers, I saw a man holding up a poster. It simply read SHELLY. That was my nickname. It was him. It took me a moment to get my legs to move. At first sight, he was even more gorgeous than he was on his pictures. I saw him stretching and scanning the crowd and then he saw me too and he recognized me too. A bright smile erupted on his face and I knew it was mirroring my own. Step by tiny step, we got closer to each other, until we both stopped in our tracks. Only three steps separated us and I saw his face becoming serious, the smile faded. I was unsure what to do, my instinct told me to run away, but my body wouldn’t obey. And I didn’t know where to hide anyway. Dreadful moments passed and I waited. Frozen. Unable to act or react.

“Shelly.” he whispered almost inaudible, because of the busy people hurrying to get to their planes and the ones hurrying to get home. I nodded, not knowing what else to do.

The poster glided from his hands and slid to the floor, while he took another step towards me. The suspense and anticipation was killing me. I couldn’t wait any longer and almost jumped into his arms. He was shorter than I had imagined him to be, but he was still a few inches taller than me. My body fit his perfectly. I buried my nose against his neck and smiled, when I noticed his scent. It was an aphrodisiac for me. His arms came up and circled my waist almost lifting me off the floor and I laughed happily.

My hands cupped his cheeks and I looked him in the eyes – beautiful light blue eyes, while taking a step back to look at him. His cheeks were stubbly, just how I loved it and his ginger hair was cut close to the head, but not too close. He was gorgeous. His lush lower lip begged to be kissed and again, it was me, who took the first step and I kissed him hesitantly. He kissed me back and pulled me even closer against him. Reluctantly, he let go of me and now, he looked me up and down, making me slightly uncomfortable.

“Let’s go home” he said smiling and got behind my luggage cart to push it towards to parking lot.

Time and time again, we looked at each other, only to shyly look away again. We loaded my bags into his truck and he came around to open my door.

Before I could climb in, he held me by the wrist and spun me around and into his arms. He kissed me passionately. I’ve been kissed before – a lot, but I’ve never been kissed like this before, it took my breath away. My heart skipped a beat and it was as though an electrical shock rushed through my entire body.

“I am glad you are here. Finally.” His voice was gentle, but deep and a little hoarse. I liked it very much and I wondered what it would sound like in the morning, when he woke up.

“You must be starving. Would you like to go out on a dinner date with me?” he asked formally. Finally, I found my voice too and I accepted his invitation. We sealed the agreement to our first date with a long kiss and we drove off. Destination unknown.

 

–^–^–

This can be read as the first part of three, but it can also be read on its own.

neglected love

maybe I’m just too demanding

never understanding

Just know, that your words a branding,

burning deep inside my soul

sparkling a yearning

I never knew before

Don’t neglect the love I feel for you

it’s all I have – and that is sadly true

sinking in a sea of memories

I swore I wouldn’t cry

I swore I’d keep the tears at bay

pretending to be all cried out anyway

but there you are

so familiar

pulling me under

in a sea of dreadful memories

I’m not sleeping

I’m thinking

sinking

let me go

set me free

allow me to burst this bubble full of agony

stay away from me

until I am ready, to call you back to me

I just want to be your everything

Tell me you need me

as much as I need you

Tell me you love me

as much as I love you

Tell me, that I am special

as special as you are to me

Tell me your deepest secrets

because I’ll tell you mine

 

Touch my heart

I want to touch yours too

Touch my soul

I want to touch yours too

Touch me

I want to touch you too

Touch me in any way you’d like

because I want to touch you too

 

Set me apart

because I set you apart as well

 

I don’t want too much

I just want to be your everything

you are my secret

You are my greatest escape

my biggest secret

giving, never taking

For you, I feel my love growing

and my despair too

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

I don’t want to be like them

I allow you to see me

and to love me

but I shouldn’t

I am not free

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

you are my biggest secret

the man who makes me rise above every doubt and fear

I dream of you and I want you

until reality comes crushing down on me

and I fall

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

my heart couldn’t bear the loss

 

I don’t want to be hurt

but I’m hurting you

I am not free

but I love you

and yet, I shouldn’t

 

don’t forget me

don’t ignore me

loosing you would break me

 

–^–^–

now remember, I know how this sounds, but most everything I write is fiction and plays in my mind…

poem: music

to love

to sing

to weep

to laugh

 

feeling emotions

stepping out of the dark

picking up pieces shard by shard

 

to dance

to feel

to cry

to be

 

fleeting emotions

falling into the dark

breaking into tiny pieces shard by shard

 

to laugh

to cry

to love

to be

 

a passion

a savior

that’s what music is to me