I write…

I am a writer. It took me some time to admit it, because people don’t know what to do of it. What does a writer do? What do I, as a writer do?

I create. I create characters and story lines. I tell stories and (try to) take you on a journey, suck you in, until you are completely in love with my characters… I don’t say that I am a good writer nor do I say, that you absolutely need to read what I write, because you don’t. I write gay contemporary fiction. (not exclusively, but mostly) Nothing kinky, but with an occasional steamy scene nonetheless. I can’t even say, why I stuck to that genre, but I like it and I continue to write it with a passion. I don’t write books or bestsellers. What I write is more like novelettes and yet, as I said, I do it with a passion.

My characters are most often flawed, or they have some kind of trauma. Happy fluff is not my cup of tea, although most often, my stories have a happy ending. I try to write as realistically as possible. I don’t want people to roll their eyes and close the story, because the story line is implausible. I want to write characters, that could be real and situations, that could be real too. Research is one thing, an overactive imagination another, that come in very handy when I write. 

But, I admit it. I am chaotic. I have a loose story in my head and I write from there. I never lay out a plan and I usually have no idea what will happen during the story at the beginning of sitting down and writing it. On good days, I sit down and the words just flow out of my fingers and when I look at the screen and see, that I wrote 1000+ words, I am surprised myself. On bad days, I think too much and I sit and stare at the blinking cursor. I can’t write under pressure and I can’t write, when other things are preoccupying my mind.

Ever since I joined wattpad.com I became something of an addict for Votes and Comments. I love to see, that people like what I write and I admit, it did wonders for my self-esteem. I get hate-mail too, quite a lot for that one book that I mentioned more than once before, but I also get a lot of positive feedback and that is what keeps me going. 

I am enjoying this book. You are taking the reader through uncharted territory for most and describing it accurately. And yes it is a heartbrakingly work to read but good for people to have some idea of the evils that happen in this world. And perhaps be a little more thoughtful and kinder to others no matter their situation in life. 
Thank you for bringing this story to life.

 

That is what I strive for. (This comment was for a chapter in this book: http://www.wattpad.com/story/11643925-find-me-save-me-love-me )

 

That was a Beautiful story. Tears when I read a book show how much a story pulls be along for all of the highs and lows in the lives of the characters. Please keep writing

 

You are a wonderful writer that’s all to it. This story made me cry

 

this book is literally one of the most amazing book I’ve ever read on wattpad. I was bawling when Jaime died like literally tears streaming down my face. I’m happy though that Sebastian could move on from Jaime instead of stuck with the past. looking forward to read your other books! ❤

 

Not ashamed to admit I cried when I read this. Good thing I was alone, though.

(comment from a man)

 

This story was soooo amazing and I cried when Jamie died and I really wih he hadn’t… The story ended beautifully but I just finished and I feel like I have a frog In my throat because this story was so moving….you should consider a second book about them….

That is what keeps me going. (comments are taken form chapters of this book:  http://www.wattpad.com/story/8235584-when-the-right-door-opens-mxm ) I said it before and I say it again… That book is the best I have written so far. I love it and I love how it affects the readers. Of course, it needs editing, a lot of it, but this is a good book! Sad but good. Those who follow this blog a little closer know, that I rarely say something like that about myself… I’m really proud of it…

 

And then I get random comments like this: 

I am not a very good editor But I am an avid reader and have enjoyed reading your stories very much Thank you

 

and I wonder, why do they thank me? I should thank them, for taking the time to read my stuff (and I do. I thank them all the time)

 

You write such beautiful love stories!

 

So, yeah… this is what makes me go on and on and on, spinning plot bunnies in my head and scribbling little notes on every surface available… I love writing and to think, that I only started doing this in May 2012…

I joined wattpad.com in 2013 (April). Until now, I have gathered over 400 readers (more or less faithful), 3324 Votes and many many comments on the 18 stories I posted. I have not one single regret having done this so far and I plan on continuing for a long time. And last but not least, I found a bunch a very nice people on that site, some of them even share a love for music with me…

 

THANK YOU – for your time, your support and everything you give to me… It is never taken for granted, but deeply appreciated.

 

❤ micqu (Cathy) 

our love

For years, I have been lost

in the wilderness,

living in the deepest recess

of my mind.

Then you came along and

captured my soul

you took me on an adventure

Opened my heart to the beauty

of life and love.

 

Fourteen years ago, you’ve changed my world

and rearranged my stars

every day, you show me that you love me

and we even find our path through rocky roads

you love me and remind me

of what’s real

Our love, our life and our journey together,

that will only end after we are old and grey, bald and incontinent, without teeth and without hearing, but we will still have us!

until the day comes, when eternity calls 

see me…

see me,

don’t look at me,

but if you look at  me and see me,

please love me

 

–^–

This will sound strange, weird, odd, whatever… but this is how I live. I want to be seen and acknowledged, but at the same time, I want to stay unnoticed. Flying under the radar. I am torn. Do I want the attention or not? And I don’t want to be judged or hated for what I do either. I just want to be loved and that is a feeling I have since my earliest childhood. As simple as these four lines are, they are me. Cathy

A year ago…

On a happier note:

a year ago, I had my disastrous encounter with Maximilian Hecker. I think, that’s one of the funniest (and most embarrassing) things I have ever done, I still don’t know how I had the courage to do it and that with only drinking a coke and no alcohol!

This is what happened:

next, we went to Maximilian to get our things signed. I said to him that he played a real good concert even with the slip-ups. he looks me straight in the eye and starts to stammer. what slip-up did you mean? the big one or the smaller ones. I said the big one, the smaller ones we could simply forget about. I told him that I didn’t see him from where I sat and that it sounded like he was crying and the moment it left my mouth I cursed myself. but he still talked and I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. it was really awkward. a real foot-in-mouth moment. It reminded me that I better keep my mouth shut when nervous… Did I really just tell Maximilian Hecker, that I think he is a crybaby?!NOOOOOO!! that wasn’t my intention.

my friend made fun of me, that I broke poor Maximilian Hecker. I was joking. wasn’t he? insecurities? where are you tonight? oh- there you are! I missed you! NOT!

at home I started my laptop and went to twitter. I follow him, he follows me too, he follows most of his followers. I send him a DM, apologizing and reassuring him, that it was a very very good gig. 5min later I have a reply: thank you so much for your kind words. love, Maximilian

 

(from this entry: https://micqu.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/go-see-maximilian-hecker-felix-rauber-now/ )

 

So, if you are a musician and I should meet you, just interrupt me before I embarrass myself to no end 🙂 Or simply run or find another way to shut me up…

❤ Cathy

 

I’ve been thinking

Maybe I share too much with you. Maybe you only know half of it.

We all create our online personas carefully. I choose to show you my nerdy music side. In real life, this is an annoying habit. I am the one of your friends, who knows a song for almost every sentence you say. I am the one of your friends, who hears (and recognizes) the songs playing in the background and which are barely audible. I am the one, who hums along, while listening to you.

I am a listener, an observer. I give advice and make you think with a few well placed thoughts.

But that is only half of the truth. Because I am strongly opinionated. I know what I like and what I don’t like and I know, when to show myself and when to hide in the shadow. I choose people I let into my life (and to a certain extend soul too) very very carefully. I may appear distant and uninterested, but I am not. I think a lot and I think a lot about you and about the image I leave with you. Some of you left a deep impression on me. Some of you changed the way I see the world around myself and some of you make me want to give you a hug and take care of you.

I am a passionate person. I really am. I talk a lot, when I talk about things I like. My hands are all over the place and my eyes light up. I know that too and I have been told so too and apparently (I’ve been told so twice this last month) my smile lights my entire face up.

I laugh a lot, even if I am not in the mood. I am sad a lot. Sometimes, I know exactly why and sometimes, the sadness creeps up on me and hugs me like a comforting blanket. It sucks me into a darkness. A darkness, that I like and despise at the same time. It makes me creative, but it’s also paralyzing. Draining.

Most people in my real life, don’t know that I write. One reason, it being in English and a second reason is the nature of my writings. I write contemporary gay fiction and when I am not writing about two gay men and the obstacles they have to overcome, I write darkness and misery. My short stories are rarely invigorating. They make people cry and shake their heads, as does my so-called poetry. Hurt and misery are emotions, that are so easily to write for me, whereas love and happiness, fluff… they never seem authentic when I write them (or so I think).

I used to cut my arms. It was like a valve I opened once the pressure was too much and threatening to suffocate me. My new outlet seems to be writing and this blog too. It means a lot to me. The followers of this blog mean a lot to me and the readers of my books too.

I wonder if I am overwhelming at times. And sometimes I wonder why I do this at all. Who cares about me?! I am a small fish in a huge pond and what makes me different from every other writer out there? What makes this blog different and why should anyone come back day after day after day to read about my ramblings?

You don’t know me and I don’t know you. It’s a conscious choice to write what I do and keep some things hidden.

My soul and my mind is a deep abyss.

 

3 things not many people know about me:

1. I love to read biographies about famous people. The last one I read was about Richard Burton.

2. I am very self-aware and my self-confidence is low. I know that by writing and publishing this blog every day, I leave a virtual footprint. It is frightening to know that people will always find a trace of me in the world wide web and yet, isn’t it what we all strive to do?! Get recognition for what we do and being seen?

3.My biggest fear in life, is to be alone. I can deal with loneliness, it’s a constant companion, but really being alone… it scares me to death.

 

People who should read threads like this, never do…

Rare bird (… or a little something I wrote)

Here we are. You and me. I have dreamed about you, before I even met you and now, I am lying in your arms. Discovering your skin. Learning everything about your body. Memorizing moles, cutie marks, scars. Tasting as much of you as I can. Keep you on my tongue. Your scent is like an aphrodisiac and I feel like I am slowly becoming addicted to you. You are like a drug without a description and without warnings.

Your breath mingles with mine, as we become one. Our eyes, yours blue, mine brown, meet. Lustfully gazes. I am mesmerized by you and your presence. I feel like I have known you all my life and I ignore that we have just met for the first time. Pleasure takes over in my body. Your hands brush my hair out of my face. Sweat. I moan. You smile. And we find our rhythm. A rhythm so old, but new to us. Our bodies are slick with sweat, but we move slow. Excruciating slow. Every move prolonging our pleasure. A kiss. So sweet and tender, yet so demanding. An intimate dance, that will stay in my mind forever. Burned into my brain. It’s you I’ve been waiting for my whole life. My heart races as I see you crystal clear and I become yours. I fall. But you are there. Stars explode before my inner eye and I am left breathless. Heat. Wonderful heat engulfs me. The sweetest sounds escape your mouth and I kiss you. In this moment, we have it all. The world belongs to us and the future is ours to explore. It’s waiting for us. My senses cloud and I close my eyes. My hands touch the skin on your back. I kiss your forearms. My hands wander lower. I squeeze. You smile and bite my lip playfully.

You leave a tattoo on my skin. A permanent mark that no one will ever erase or overwrite. I feel you tumbling over the edge too, but just like you caught me, I catch you too. You tremble. There is the smile again. It’s more of a chuckle this time. Sparkling eyes. Your pale milky skin has a red sheen. You look like the most handsome man I have ever seen and you are mine. At least for now. Your hands never cease to touch me. Leaving fingerprints on my skin, that can never be washed off and I wouldn’t want it any other way. For this night, I am yours and you are mine. We don’t need words. I can’t speak your language right now anyway. Our bodies part. A regretful moan slips from my mouth. It makes me smile. I am not the insatiable type and yet, you woke up so many emotions in my sleeping heart.

When it all started, I never thought that we would meet. And yet, you are here. You know my deepest darkest secrets and still – you want me.

Our forever is over too soon. Life is catching up on us and reality too, as our love-bubble bursts. Passion and long lost feelings overwhelmed us. Made us act with our hearts and forget our brains. I have no regrets. I turn in your arms, my head on your chest. I hear your heartbeat. It’s in tune with mine. I am in heaven and you are my light. I always lived in the dark, loving the night. You guided me into the light. I don’t want this moment to end.

No one has ever put me under a spell like you and I know, that I want more. One more caress. One more kiss. One more night with you. It’s not a dream.

I am one in a million, but you picked me to stay with you. I see you, even when you think no one is watching. It makes us different and we won’t walk away from what we have. It makes me different from the rest of them. We both feel it, I can tell.

 

You are a rare bird. Abide with me and I’ll abide with you.

****

Author’s notice: The title, as well as the last sentence are inspired by a song called “rare bird” by Glen Hansard. The people in this short one-shot are a woman and a man. I think that’s all I need to explain.

 

Cathy